Battles with Myself

I've lain awake all night long
Left alone for all these hours
To my thoughts and inner demons
Feeling the depression over power

I fall into my routine escape
Shut the world out, my music loud
Fight to slow the inevitable
Get myself to the highest cloud

But darker thoughts keep forming
Pop up scares at every turn
Reminding me that I'm worthless
Asking if this time I'll cut or burn

Insecure voices in my head
Poke fun at my self harm
Egg on my suicidal thoughts
"Deep and vertical, left fore arm"

I really need to feel again
Before I pull the trigger
Before I step off of this ledge
And my darker side grows bigger

I hold back tears, listen close
I won't make the slightest sound
Not a single moan or peep from me
Unless it wants, it can't be found

It'll hide away for a while
Stow away inside my head
Make me believe I've gotten better
Until my heart drops, filled with lead

It gets worse every single time
Tries killing me with a vengeance
It comes back a hundred thousand fold
Cackling, "Let the battle commence!"

I always want to let it win
Swallow the bullet, pop every pill
Dig the razor deep, into my vein
Until I lie here, deadly still

Strange to think that when its gone
I miss the dark and the pain
Without them I'm just plain empty
I don't get rainbows with my rain

I look forward to every fight
And wait for the beautiful pain
I fight it away as long as I can
But the darkness is a stain

After a long fight, I succumb
Press the cold metal to my skin
Sighing in relief, I drag it slowly
Letting the warmth flow from within

Mesmerized, I watch it flow
Well up, spill, and run in streams
Pooling as it hits the floor
I can hear it's happy screams

Was that a second thought up there?
Not in my demented head
Cutting deeper, I squash all doubt
It runs the perfect shade of red

Cut until I'm shaking hard
I think the darkness won
I lay still in m pool of blood
Feeling euphoria, I'm finally done

Done with all the emptiness
When the darkness wasn't there
And done with all the pure torture
When it was all too much to bear

Slowly slipping from consciousness
My vision fades to black
I close my eyes and welcome death
I've no desire to turn back

My eyes slowly flicker open
And snap shut when it's too bright
There's no way I've gone to heaven
I just fell asleep, I won the fight

I sit up and begin to cry
Silent tears streaming down my face
Pooling on top of my dried blood
Another day I must face

I can't let others see the battles
I hide my skin and toss the tools
I clean up my nasty, bloody mess
So even my reflection is fooled.