Through the Despair of Youth

She tells me that I'm not good enough, that I have wasted my potential and intelligence and sacrificed my future for a man who is an addict. How could I move across the United States she asks, for someone who is a recovering addict?

There is no simple answer to any of her inquires because they are slanted by her constant degradation and insults that cut deep into my heart and soul, threatening the joy that once filled this space. However, I will not allow her to ruin this beautiful state of mind and recent optimism that has lead me to so much self growth and understanding. I will stand strong, as I should have many years ago, not only to defend my own character, and stand behind my decisions as an adult, but also to prove to myself that I am capable of being worthy of love and support. Her darkness shall not threaten my peace of mind or cloud my enthusiasm for this ever present gift that has been bestowed upon me this year. I cannot become a failure because I need to prove her views of me wrong.

I have the privilege of having met my life partner, best friend and copilot for this journey that we like to think of as "life," and I am eternally grateful that he accepts me for my weaknesses and strengths, as I do him. Where one of us falters, the other one is there to continue fighting for our joint cause. I have the opportunity to be whomever I envision, and I support his dreams and path as well.

As we enter the most exciting challenge in life, of becoming parents, and devoting our lives to becoming closer as a partnership in order to be the best possible role models and support system that we can be, I remember what is was like to feel completely helpless and lonely as a child. There is no one to turn to for encouragement or positive reinforcement, only my own thoughts of self motivation can guide me towards the success and happiness that I seek in life. I vow to make a constant effort to my husband, my child and myself, that I will be emotionally present in every moment, supportive and share all of the love that I have been holding onto since I was young. I have just been waiting to share it with our child, as my own mother never seemed to reciprocate the same feelings of devotion. There will be lots of hugs, kisses and "I love you's" to fill the void of love that I had as a child. I want our son to be able to confront us with his most immense challenges and know that he will not be facing any of these alone, and we will always be waiting along the sidelines, rooting for his success.

It is hard to imagine wanting a childhood so different from your own and not following the same pattern of the youth that you endured, however; I have faith that with a lot of dedication, I will be able to become the mom that I always hoped for. I promise to myself, god and our child that I will be the best mother that I possibly can, and I will never lose sight of the blessings of motherhood.