Dear Bestfriend,

3-15-15          
         Oh my God Nick! Im dying down here without you. I need you now more than ever. I need to talk to you now, I need to feel your strong embrace around me. I need you so much. I love you Nick more than anything and I just.. I just want you to come get me from this hell hole. I want you to come and take me to Neverland with you. Please Nick I need this more than ever. Everyone says that they can see someone or feel them but I still haven't felt you or seen you. It makes me wonder that maybe you didn't love me like I love you. I say you're my best friend but I'lll never know if you felt the same. I should be used to sleepless nights, I should be used to crying myself to sleep but I'm not and I'll never be. I need you now best friend, I really need you. Everyone is losing someone lately and it just makes me remember the day I found out. I wasn't supposed to know best friend. It was going to be a secret. But they told me best friend and sometimes I wish they didn't. They wanted to tell me you moved away, no goodbye, no letters, nothing.. just nothing. I have my moments where I really hope I didn't know. I cry at school sometimes best friend. I see these tiny little things that remind me of you and I just break down. I just can't anymore. Not without you anymore, I just can't imagine my future any more. All I think about is you, you, you, you, and you. I need you best friend. Please just come get me now. I can't do this anymore best friend. Please I'm begging you. Get me from this hell hole others call earth. I used to feel like things would get better but as I get older I realize that things never will be. Things will never be the same, I will never be happy, I will never replace you, I will never have someone quite like you and I hate my life. This is possibly one of the worst things to have ever happened to me in my whole life. Nicholas Buceta, you are and forever will be my best friend and I can't believe I've lasted this long without you. It just sucks knowing my best friend is gone forever. Im just waiting for my time, so we can be together forever. I don't know if you miss me as much as I miss you and I surely hope you never feel this pain that I feel. I will never be okay and no matter what I say things will never get better. Things will never be okay. Please just come get me and take me to Neverland. I know I'm 13 and haven't experienced life yet or what ever but I really can't take this anymore. Please just please. I just can't do this any longer. Ive cried forever and just when I think I'm done, I cry some more. Please best friend. I've never wanted anything more than to see you at least one more time. I need you and I want you and just please. All I can say now is that I love you so much and I miss you more than words could ever possibly explain. I can't wait to see you again, best friend! Good night. I love you forever and always. "Best friends understand us better than we understand ourselves."
3-22-15
         Oh God. I'm literally dead right now. Every time I think about you I can't help but die a little inside. The day I see you again will possibly be the best day of my life. I never feel your presence. I just need you so much. I just lost Tyler and it just feels like I'm losing every one lately. Every day I think of you and everything we ever did together. From the laughs, to the teaching, to the letters. No matter what you're on my mind. I always try to get my mind off things but I never can. If I'm not thinking about you then im thinking about Natalie or Tyler or Ronan or someone else. The days just keep going by and it never ends. You are my best friend and I will never forget you. I cry and I cry and I cry and it just never gets better. My days are long and dreadful and my nights are sleepless and tearful. Will things ever get better? I sure do hope so. Every now and then I picture you laying in that casket lifeless. You don't have a grave or a gravestone. You are in a vase, you're ashes. I can't visit you because you're at your families house.
4-1-15
         I don't miss you anymore Nick Im completely over losing you.. April Fools. That has to be one of the biggest lies of my life. Im in pain without you. But you see thats the thing about pain, it demands to be felt. Im going to start carrying around a blade. When people ask me why i'll say "I have it because it reminds me that im strong and that even though I think I need it, I know ill get through without it." It'll be a metaphor just like Augustus Waters's cigarette in "The Fault in our Stars. You see you put the cutting thing on your skin but don't give it the power to cut you. It'll work Nick I'm sure of it. (I think). You know everyday it doesn't get easier. No matter what people say, I still feel the same pain I felt when I found out. I know pain demands to be felt and that I shouldn't let it over power me but sometimes its easier said than done. So every once and a while I sit on my computer and write to you. Even though I know you'll never see it, it kinda helps me deal. It makes me feel like I'm talking to you. It makes me feel like you know what I'm going through. Sure everyone eventually loses someone but it shouldn't have been this soon. I should be going to Streets and seeing you, not just your pictures but you. Everyone talks about these moments where they feel the presence of someone that passed, those are the lucky ones. Because its been 3 years and I've still never had my moment. It makes me think that maybe you're waiting for the right time when I need you most. Its like your poem, you see two footprints in the sand until the other one disappear. You become confused and realize that those were the times when someone carried you. Thats like a brief description. but the point is that God carries you through the rough times and walks beside you through the easier times. Sure it may not feel like you're carrying me but I sure hope you are. You know I sit down here and tell everyone yea he was my best friend when I don't even know if you consider me your best friend. And it kills me knowing it could be just me. Sure you probably would've cried if it were me instead of you but you most likely would've gotten over it. But you see thats the thing, you were 23 you had incredible friends and I was 10 with pretty shitty friends. To you I was just some kid, but to me you were my role model, my best friend, my number one, and now that you're gone I don't know if I can trust anyone. Im so afraid of letting people in, I'm tired of losing them. I lost Samantha, I'm kind of happy and kind of sad. I mean of course she didn't mean as much to me as you did, but she was still there for me. It just helped knowing someone loved me but now theres no one. I have no true friends anymore except for Bryan, Faithlyn, and Jada sure they annoy and piss me off sometimes but I'm so lucky to have them. They will never be as special and important as you were/are but they are pretty damn close. But Nicholas Buceta you are and always will be my most treasured memory. And even though we had a short time together, I am eternally grateful to have known and met you. Streets isn't as amazing with out you. I hate going there because it reminds me of you. Theres pictures of you everywhere and it just makes things hard. My life is rough and I miss you but I will spend the rest of my life to be even half the person you were. I love you so much and I miss you. Im dying down here but ill live for you, you're the only thing keeping me alive at this point Nick.