beer legends 1+2

Beer legends

Comedy



Once every 4 years, the citizens of Red Falls offer tribute to the man who saved their city from the fire of "82 and give him beer so strong that it would give the most competitive drunk a run for his money.  One day, supplies of beer got so low that the government ordered a 27 day embargo on beer.  If they were reading this, they would realize that it was long gone. This led to many attempts to break into the beer factories and steal 2 to 4 kegs of beer. One man even managed to steal the coveted Fire starter vodka aptly named because the victim caught fire after drinking. Needless to say, he died. Named after Thomas "fire starter" Jones, this vodka originated in the mountains of California and was reportedly made by the devil himself. If that's true, poor tom was in one heck of a court battle because he tried to patent the drink and wound up in jail where he died. Legend says, the devil came and offered him two kegs of fire starter vodka to melt the bars.



Another well known legend in Red falls is the case of Johnny "old hickory" Davis who (according to legend) consumed 12 dozen packs of screaming and burning hot vodka in under six minutes. The poor man had to be transported to the hospital shortly after. His esophagus was so burnt that they had to use extreme caution when draining the excess liquid.



Lastly, there is the case of Timmy "iron stomach" Jackson. Where he came from is a mystery but he drank 400 pounds of whiskey, vodka and ashes in six days and that was all she wrote. The doctor found his whiskey soaked and charred remains on the floor in the bar.















Beer legends 2: The River Runs Red



Moving on to 1847, in the town of West Ridge there was a man by the name of Jack Daniels that made, patented and sold the now infamously deadly drink: the liquor of unspeakable torment otherwise known as Molten Lava in a glass.



Here's the reason why he made it: Jack was in competition with another well known brewery called Gold Beer. He was already on the verge of bankruptcy and needed a solution. Some say he went half mad and petitioned the devil for help, who in turn gave him the beer that I just described. Others say he spiked his beer with a mixture of vodka and lava. Whatever the case, the result was hell in a glass. No one could drink it as it dried up their stomachs, emptied their veins and left them trying to gasp for breath. It also attracted the attention of the local sheriff. He tried it and surprisingly was found to have an iron gullet. He named it the best in town but swore Jack to secrecy over its origin. Needless to say, all the town drunks, furious over the poor quality of the local beer, rammed in the door of jacks brewery, stole the beer and left. The sheriff found their dried corpses near the Comanche river and took back the beer. Now Jack was a decent fellow but he died penniless due to low customers and rising taxes.



{}Another lesser known legend is the strange case of the brothers named Michael and Tommy Winston. Coming to west ridge by train, they became lost and found an old saloon out by Bloody Gulch Canyon and asked for the strongest drink available. The bartender stood dumbfounded and asked them one simple question: are you prepared to meet your maker?













They excused this as crazy talk and ordered the now obscure Ruin Wine and before they could drink they heard a voice call to them from outside. It told them to stop or suffer dire consequences. Once again, they ignored it and drank the Wine. Suddenly the cloaked figure stepped inside and the bartender grabbed his shotgun and fired two perfectly aimed rounds into the strangers head. Still the stranger advanced until he was right on top of the now dazed and confused men. Then they were gone. All that was left were two pistols. They were never found although the residents still hear their screams from the old saloon where the bartender still works¦ at least his spirit does.  His body died but his spirit refused to go to heaven and stayed in the saloon for eternity



The last legend has to do with the beer drinking contest in West Ridge.Its one thing to call a town contest. Its another thing entirely to challenge Lucifer himself. He strode into town on a golden horse drawn wagon, walked up to the bartender, started a tab and went to work. A man by the name of John King challenged him and for six hours, they went through 47 glasses of beer and swapped tales of the frontier. The fiddlers played and the pianists improvised wonderful melodies in light of the joyous occasion. Finally a belch was heard from Lucifer and he fell down dead. They found other alcoholic beverages in his cavernous gut and concluded that John was god in the flesh. But he died too.  What was the punishment?

Have a rematch and drink the same amount of beer without leaving the table. John died again after his bladder imploded.



}Maybe they were fake, made up or just plain coincidental but one thing is for sure: alcohol is deadly