The Monster Within

The sun beat down on my face through my car’s windshield. My eyes were squinted as I sized up the building in front of me for the fifth time. I should get out of the car, I had to get out of the car. My heart was pounding a mile a minute, my hands were sweating. I shouldn’t be so nervous, it’s just Amber. I chewed on my lip, forcing myself to tear my gaze away from the red brick building. Without really thinking about it, my eyes wandered over to the picture sitting on the passenger seat in a gold frame. Gold was always her favorite.

I gingerly picked it up, rubbing my thumb along the smooth, cool side. The picture was my favorite of the two of us. We were on the beach, Amber was up on my back. She was in the middle of laughing: her nose was scrunched up, her smile bright. Her thin arms were wrapped around my neck. I was smiling at the camera, holding on to her waist so she wouldn’t fall. I would never let her fall.

I pressed the frame up close to my chest and swung open the door. It was a beautiful day. The skies were bright blue without a single cloud in them, birds were singing in the distance. Maybe I could take her outside for a little bit, I know she would love that. Timidly, I started my way up to the front door. My legs shook with each step, my knuckles went white from clutching the frame so tightly.

It was still just Amber. The girl I had fallen in love with, the girl who could make me laugh when I needed to. I slowly lifted my head back, locking eyes on the sign hanging above the door. This would just be her new home for a while. ‘Beckville Mental Facility.’

I peered inside the glass door, surprised to see that the lights were turned off. I shuddered a little despite the heat. I wrapped my free hand around the metal bar and yanked it open with one swift motion. It was unlocked. I slipped inside the cool room, my skin prickling from the extreme temperature difference. The front desk was very neat and organized but no one was standing behind it. I swallowed hard, craning my neck around the sharp corner on the left. Nothing. The lights were off in that hallway too.

My head told me to stay where I was, to wait for someone to come lead me to Amber. My heart thought differently. I needed to see her: right now. My legs shook as I began to walk towards the hallway, my teeth chattering. I stopped in my tracks as soon as the hallway split into two different paths.

My feet didn’t allow me to stop for long. I found myself turning down the left hall. The lights were off here too and since there were no windows I had to squint my eyes a little to see everything. There were doors lining the sides of the walls with little glass cutouts to see into the rooms. Maybe Amber was here.

I walked up to the first door and peered inside. The room was pretty much empty besides a plain bed and a desk. There was a person sitting on top of the bed, her snow white arms folded in her lap. I could barely see the left side of her face. Her head was bowed, shading as much as possible from me.

All a sudden, the girl snapped her head to the side, looked me dead in the eyes as if she had known I was there the whole time. My stomach dropped. “Dad?” she whimpered, her huge black eyes softening. “Dad?” I slowly shook my head, taking a step back. The girl frowned and sprang from the bed. A scream caught in my throat, my heart rate increased to a mile a second. She floated towards me, never breaking our gaze. She pressed her forehead against the glass, a small smile forming on her lips. Her face was covered in scars with a thick one running from her left temple to her right jawbone. Even though there was a wall separating us, the air somehow got five degrees colder. She stared at me, trying to decide if I was her father or not. Her smile faded. She figured it out. “You aren’t my dad!” she shrieked. I winced. “Sh-she told me about you,” the girl stuttered, taking a step away from me while pointing her long finger at me. “Stay away from me, monster!” she spat.

That’s when she started screaming. I stumbled back and sprinted down the hall. I didn’t bother checking the other rooms, I just had to get away from that girl. Her screams echoed around my head, even when I was sure I was far enough away from the room to hear her.

Inhale, exhale. I slowed my legs. Inhale, exhale. My heart was still running a marathon. Inhale, exhale. I was safe. I looked around my surroundings, helplessly lost. I leaned my back against the cold wall. It felt like stone, although I couldn’t really see it since it was so dark in here. Where was Amber? I thought this would be easier… why did I think this would be easier?

I squeezed my eyes shut. No. I was not the monster, she was. I had done nothing wrong. The hairs at the bottom of my neck spiked up. There was someone watching me. I could feel it. It could be a worker, which would be awesome. But something told me it wasn’t. My lower jaw started to tremble as I tried my hardest to stay still. Any move could give myself away. I bowed my head and imagined I was somewhere else…

“C’mon Hunter!” Amber shrieked with delight, reaching out her arm to grab my hand. “It’ll be fun!” How could I say no to that smile? Her brown eyes danced with excitement as I smirked at her. She knew she won. She threw her head back and laughed, dragging me to the biggest roller coaster in the park. I hated heights but I would do anything to make her happy. The line was forever, I could already tell we’d be here for a while. But I didn’t mind. I got to spend more time with the love of my life.

“How did I get so lucky?” I asked her, wrapping my arm around her waist.

She smiled up at me, a cute little blush forming on her cheeks. “Hey Hunt?” she whispered. She was the only one I let call me that.

“Yes Am,” I said back, leaning down a little to let my lips graze against her cheek.

“I love you.”

My heart rate had lowered. I slowly peeled my eyes open with a new determination. I had to find Amber. I had to get her out of here. Something wasn’t right. I heaved myself off of the wall, reminding myself that I had to protect her. My hands began to shake as I turned in a complete circle. The bad news was I still had no idea where I was. The good news was that the screaming had stopped and the feeling of being watched had decreased.

I took a step forward and then glanced behind my shoulder. The end of this hallway just got darker and darker. This place would be a lot better if they, oh I don’t know, had lights. Maybe it was the darkness that was causing these people to go insane.

I slowly put one foot in front of the other, heading to God knows where. “Amber?” I whispered, not really to see if she was there but just so I could hear a human voice. “Amber? Hey, I’m here.” I continued talking to myself, tiptoeing across the hall. I came across another split in the path, I must have blindly ran through a few of these trying to get away from that girl. I shuddered just thinking about her.

I craned my head to the right – blackness; to the left – blackness. Either way I was going to be completely lost. I decided to go to the left, something was telling me this was the way to go. I stretched my arm out, letting my fingers trace the wall. Having something to hold on to comforted me. The wall was smooth and cold, the air was damp.

She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. First day of freshman year was one of the best days of my life, although I’ve heard many horror stories of that very same day from other people. Our school had this exercise for the first day for freshman to start to get to know each other. They grouped us up with a few seniors and we spent the entire day just getting to know each other. Technically, it wasn’t really the first day since the other kids weren’t at school yet.

My group consisted of me, a senior named Tyler, Brittany who was incredibly shy and Amber. I was captivated by her, I had never seen anyone like her. She had big, brown eyes and long, strawberry blonde hair that was pulled back into a ponytail. When I talked to her, she listened. When I told her my lame jokes, she laughed. We spent that entire day together, never leaving each other’s side. I would sometimes brush my hand across her arm just to make her smile. I loved that smile.

“Hey Hunter?” she asked me during our lunch break.

“Yeah?”

“This is going to sound a little crazy,” she said with a little laugh. Gosh she was adorable. “But I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.”

“I feel the same way about you,” I confessed, tilting my head to give her a smile.

Amber breathed a sigh of relief. “So I can trust you then, right?”

“Of course.”

“I have a few…. Secrets.”

I froze when my hand slipped under a thin layer of paper. I tried to look at what it was but I couldn’t see all that well. I raised my hand up along the way, carefully tearing off the piece of tape that was holding the paper onto the wall. I lifted the paper up to my face, squinting my eyes to see if there was anything written on it. My heart stopped. ‘Can you keep a secret?’ was written in blood red ink.

She knows you’re here.

“No! Shut up!” I shouted at myself. My own thoughts scared me sometimes. I crumpled up the paper and threw it on the ground. My teeth were chattering but I wasn’t sure if it was because of the fear I felt at the bottom of my heart or the pure anger in my head.

How could she do this to me? It was her own fault. I did nothing wrong! I held my head in my hands, clutching onto my hair. Stop it, stop it, stop it! I couldn’t think of that now! This place was making me crazy and I hadn’t been here for an hour yet. Or had I? I had no idea.

Once I felt like I could breathe again, I started putting one foot in front of the other. I needed to find Amber and get out of here. She could already be hurt by the monster that was running around. I tried not to think about it as I pushed myself to continue walking. I couldn’t do that to myself right now.

My life had never been easy. I was born into a broken family. My older sister had died in a car crash two weeks before I was born and my dad left two weeks after that. My mom had fallen into a deep depression and couldn’t really take care of me. So my grandmother raised me. I watched my mom, learning what it was like to not be in control of your life.

I was a strange kid – I hated sports and most people. I would spend time by myself just reading while the other kids played with each other during recess, because of that they would make fun of me. In first grade, I had cooties. In second grade, I was sent from Mars to study and observe humans. In third grade, kids started shoving me into the walls and taking my lunch money. Fourth grade was when I found a frog in my backpack one day. From fifth grade on, I was considered invisible.

I focused on my studies really hard. It was the one thing I could control in my life and trust me, I was going to take full advantage of it. I loved knowing that I could change my grade all by myself, that if I worked hard I could be smart. Control was powerful, control felt amazing. I couldn’t control the kids at school but that was alright.

High school is when I figured out how to control almost everyone around me. At school, at home, at work. Amber was the easiest. She needed a leader, she needed someone to tell her she was loved and cared for. She needed me. I needed her too, I found out. I needed her right now.

Amber and I started dating a few months after that first day of freshman year. It was simple, really. Every Friday or Saturday night, or some weeks both, we would spend time together. I would pick the movie, a restaurant or whether we were just going to stay at my house and do homework. Amber would just smile and go along with me, never wanting to make the decisions and I never wanted to not make them. Our relationship was just one more thing I could control, that I could make sure was a constant in my life. I found out in the middle of that summer that no matter how hard I tried, I could not control other people’s emotions – even Amber’s.

It was a hot Tuesday afternoon, the sun was hidden by a canopy of tree branches that were hanging over us. The perfect spot for a picnic. Amber had brought a red and white checkered blanket and a basket full of food – sandwiches, chips, cookies, fruit and popcorn. We had just finished lunch and Amber was sitting with her back against an old oak tree, my head in her lap.

“So Hunter,” Amber murmured slowly. I hummed in reply. “About Friday night…” she said, choosing her words carefully. “You see, Bethany invited me to her all-girls sleepover that she’s having for her birthday.”

“And you want to go,” I muttered dryly.

“Y-yes,” she stuttered. “I know we’ve been planning to go mini-golfing but we can always do that next week.”

“Next week,” I mused, closing my eyes.

“Yes! See! That’ll work out even better because –“

“Let me guess,” I snapped, opening my eyes. “You have another party to go to.”

“W-well,” she stammered. “Its m-my cousin’s graduation and –“

“So you’re blowing me off again,” I said calmly, rubbing my hands together.

“No! I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“I’d rather you didn’t.” A strong silence filled the space between us, I knew she was confused. *Why would he get so upset over something that he doesn’t want me to make up for? Has he lost his mind?* Power, my dear. She doesn’t know it yet and I couldn’t have her know that. Power was addicting, power was raw and hard to attain and even harder to keep. I needed it. I would always need it.

The rest of the day went on as normal, although I caught Amber giving me a funny look a few times when she thought my back was turned. My back was never turned. I was always watching, always waiting.

A loud crashing sound woke me from my daydream. I snapped my head up, narrowing my eyes as I tried to figure out where the sound came from. My skin prickled, the hairs at the bottom of my neck raising. I froze when I heard footsteps coming towards me. I leaned into the wall, wishing I could sink into it and become completely invisible.

“How do you think she did all of this?” an airy voice whispered.

“Don’t know, don’t care,” another answered. “Just as long as I’m far away from her. Something’s not right about her, you know.”

“Caroline, we’re in a mental facility. I think there’s something wrong with all of us.”

“More so with her. I mean there’s no way she could -” The voice was cut off, followed by silence. I heard whispers but I couldn’t make out what was being said. Who were they talking about? Was she the monster I had to protect my Amber from?

I took a step forwards, but knew that calling out to them would be suicide. I didn’t know who they were, how sane they really were or if they even knew where Amber was. My mind ached for another human being to be around though so I decided to follow them, figuring it couldn’t hurt. Maybe they would lead me to Amber. What was the worst that could happen?

“C’mon, we better get going,” Caroline spoke at last, her voice echoing off of the walls a little more than it did before. I sucked in a breath and followed the sound of footsteps, keeping my right hand on the wall.

The girls walked down the hallway, only making a few turns here and there. I peered inside every door we passed to see if Amber was inside any of them but she never was. Most of the rooms were empty with the doors flung open.

Amber’s mother decided to buy a puppy after Amber begged and begged for one for years. Of course, I was the first one to come over and see it. She had big, brown eyes and soft, yellow fur. She barked a lot and ran around aimlessly until someone threw her a toy.

“Isn’t she the cutest thing?” Amber asked as we watched the little dog.

“Second cutest,” I replied, kissing Amber’s cheek.

She laughed. “Oh whatever.” I chuckled, leaning in towards her. “But look at her, she’s so defenseless. I mean, all she does is run around until someone throws her that ball. What if we just never threw the ball? She would be running around for ages.”

“Yeah, she would be,” I muttered, watching Amber with a new found interest. “That’s called power, something that dogs don’t have.”

I slid to stop once I realized I was much closer to the two girls than I should have been. I backed up a little, my breath racing. They were stopped in front of a closed door. I could just see their outlines. They slowly knocked on the door twice but continued on down the hallway, vanishing from my sight. I glued my eyes to the door and walked over to it. Just as I was about to peer inside the door flung open.

I jumped back but no one was standing in the doorway. I craned my neck, looking inside as much as I could without actually stepping a foot into the room. There was a desk on the left side of the room with a chair. On the right, was a bed pressed up against the wall. The back wall had a window but it was barred shut. I took a step forward and that’s when I saw her.

“Amber!”

The creature standing in front of me was not my Amber. Her makeup-less face was hard and filled with hate. Her greasy hair was pulled back into a bun, her clothes splattered with blood. I couldn’t tell if it was her own or someone else’s. Her lips were pulled into a smirk as she looked right into my eyes.

“Am… Amb-ber,” I stuttered. “We gotta… we gotta get out of here. There’s… there’s a monster.”

“I know sweetheart,” she replied coldly. “He’s standing right in front of me.”

Pure rage filled my body, spread to the very core of my bones. “You’re crazy!” I snapped without really thinking.

“Look at you, you disgusting excuse for a human being,” she sneered.

“You had it coming!”

“Did I really?” she asked, sliding towards me. “Did I really ask for this?” In one swift motion, she pushed back the sleeve on her shirt that was covering her left arm. The skin was black, burnt to a crisp. There were thick cracks all over her arm that were lighter, peeling back and revealing dried blood.

I tore my gaze from her arm right back to her face, a look of disgust crossing my face. “Asked for all of it and more,” I snapped.

Junior year was finally over. We had our finals last week and now it was summer break. I had never felt so alive yet I had never felt so tired. I felt like I was constantly fighting with myself, which didn’t make any sense. My sense of control was slipping, even on Amber. She was becoming more independent, needing me less and less each day.

The funny thing about power, I found out, that it is demanded to be fed. Once that power is taken away, it rumbles inside of you and leaves you empty. That second week of summer break is when the voice in my head started talking to me. It convinced me to cut back on my weight, telling me if I can’t be in control of my friends then I can be in control over my own weight. I didn’t have grades to work on, to be in charge of. I was nothing.

I wanted desperately to control my future, my friends, Amber, anything. My weight wasn’t enough. It didn’t give me enough power. I needed more, always more. Amber was the weakest link. She always had been, always will be. She was just a little girl in my eyes. A little girl who needed someone like me to direct her around life’s many obstacles. She wouldn’t be able to handle the power that came with control. To even hold that raw substance would kill her.

So I started texting her more, calling her more. Where are you? What are you doing? You aren’t hanging out with Logan again, are you? You know I don’t like him. What are you wearing? Where are you going? Better not be to Kristen’s party, oh no. You’re spending the night with me again.

She would tell me to stop, to calm down. But I couldn’t – I was swallowing power by the gallons. There was no way I could just go back to little sips now and then. Every night however, there she was, at my front door. I was right, I was always right – she needed me. Without me, imagine where she would be! Probably in the grave or worse being the school’s outcast. I was doing her a favor! I was helping her out! It was because I loved her so much that I was doing this, it wasn’t just for me! Oh gosh no!

It was 5:00pm on July 4th when I got the text: we need to talk. My first thoughts were that my poor girl needed me, that she missed me so much even though I had just seen her a few hours ago. I had smiled to myself, hitting the ‘call’ button on my phone. She answered right away.

But for the first time, I was wrong. “I’m breaking up with you.” I sat on the couch, stunned. “Hunter, you’ve changed. I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I don’t have to answer to you all day, every day. I am in charge of my own life!”

“No you aren’t! You would be dead if it weren’t for me! Don’t you see?”

“Yeah, I see that you’re insane! Don’t talk to me for a while, okay? I mean it.” With that, she hung up.

“You know Hunter, I knew something was up with you the second week of summer,” Amber started, watching me. “I pushed it aside, figured it was nothing. You were probably just stressed about college searching and the future. Heck, who wasn’t? But it lasted for weeks without an apology or explanation. I was confused and hurt, left in a relationship where I didn’t even know the person I was dating anymore. That’s why I broke it off. Trust me, it hurt me too. I remember after that call just curling up in my bed and crying. I wanted nothing more than to run into your safe arms and let you calm me down. But I didn’t. I stayed right where I was.

“I stayed up there for hours. It was 10:05pm when my dog ran up to my room and demanded to be let out. So I took him outside, just like any good owner would do,” Amber’s voice quivered. “I didn’t feel like going for a walk so we just stayed in the front yard. Fireworks were going off everywhere, it really was beautiful.” Tears built up in her eyes: weakness. “I smelt a faint trace of smoke but didn’t think anything of it. The neighbors were always having bonfires. But then the scent got stronger. The air around me a little bit thicker. I turned back towards the house to find a heavy flow of gray smoke fly up from the back of the house. I screamed. The fire seemed to be growing all by itself. The smoke was just coming from the left side of the house but now, the whole back was up in flames. That’s when I saw you.”

“You didn’t-“

“I saw you,” she repeated, her voice cracking. “I saw you running in my backyard, away from my home. I ran inside, trying to find my parents. My father had been in the TV room, watching the news. I saw his body Hunter. I saw him still sitting in that damn chair next to the window. My mother came running down the stairs, her clothes on fire. I tried to reach out to her but a burning piece of wood from the ceiling fell down on my arm. Do you know what it’s like to watch your mother burn to death, Hunter? Do you? Because I do. I had to watch her scream and burn right in front of my eyes. I barely even noticed my own arm still on fire. She yelled at me to get out of the house, to be good. I would only listen to one of those commands.” She took a step towards me. “I think you can guess which one that was.”

“That’s what you get when you try to control your own life,” I sneered, taking a step towards her.

“No, that’s what happens when you set my house on fire because I broke up with you!” she shrieked. She lunged towards me but she was far too slow, far too predictable. I stepped aside and let her fall on the ground. I planted my foot onto her back before she could get up, crouching down next to her.

“Oh dear,” I muttered as she struggled against me. “Did you really think a silly little girl like you could kill me? Oh honey, you poor thing. You really did, didn’t you?” I reached down and brushed her face. She squirmed, gnashing her teeth together as if she was trying to bite me. “Shhh sweetheart. I’ll make it quick, easy,” I breathed, shifting my weight a little. “I am always in control, I thought you would have picked up on this by now. You see, control makes power and power is what I live off of. You took that away. I’m going to need that back.”

“You’re a monster!” she screamed.

“Maybe I am,” I replied calmly. “Or maybe stupid humans like you is what brought the monster out of me. You know, everyone has a monster inside of them.” She struggled, lurching against my weight but she could not even budge me. “Even you, my dear. You see, everyone has secrets, isn’t that right? Secrets create monsters, but it is other people that bring these monsters into the light. But knowing secrets creates power. I have power over you that you cannot take back. Just like right now. I could kill you if I wanted.”

“Get off of me!”

“Oh my, I wouldn’t want to make me mad,” I sighed, leaning over and tracing my hand over her black arm. I felt her entire body tense up. I smiled.

Her screams were ear-popping as I dragged my fingernail into her skin, breaking it open again. “Please!” she begged in between screams.

“Oh no,” I mocked, gripping my other hand around her arm which made her scream again. “This is not the worst I can do.”

“Stop!”

“I’m not done yet.” I slid over her back, releasing her arm. She tried to spring up but I stopped her, sitting down on her back. “No, no. Sit still now.” I wrapped my arms around her neck. I could feel her pulse beneath my palms. She knew. She always knew just a little too late.

It was easier breaking someone’s neck than I once thought. Amber lay limp beneath me, her pulse no longer moving. I sighed and lifted my head. Police sirens. I frowned and undid the belt that was wrapped around my hips. Well, I had already gotten away with the fire. The stupid police officers said it was a firework that got too close. There was no way I was going to get caught for this.

I wrapped the belt around Amber’s neck and carried her over to the railing above the window. I climbed up on the chair that was next to the desk and threw Amber’s body up there. It was quite simple really - too simple, almost. I kicked the chair down and watched Amber’s lifeless body float for a few minutes. She hung herself. Nothing more, nothing less.

I stepped outside of the room and prepared myself. The police would find me, but they would find me curled up in a ball having a panic attack. “There was a monster,” I saw myself say. “I don’t know where he went or what he looked like. I only heard his footsteps.”

And they would believe me.