The Battle Within

  The Battle Within

Inside of me I have a need I can't fill
there is something nagging at me every day;
it isn't that I know what it is exactly
people will ask me "what is it?", I don't know what to say.

I have went through cycles throughout life
trying to figure it out myself to find the right way;
I would always come up short handed
and my mind, I seemed to always obey.

No matter what, no matter where
I was never HERE, I was always trapped in yesterday.
reliving the hurt, pain and ugliness that I felt
So I no longer wanted to feel, I wanted it to go away.

Years go by, pain doesn't and I just ignore it
figuring by now it no longer matters anyway;
you live your life the way that you always wanted
pushing it all back, ignoring it, life goes on, or so they say.

But inside it still boils deep within
building, getting stronger, waiting for that perfect day;
I go on with life totally unaware of what is to come
that soon, something horribly bad would be underway.

When that comes, it is like watching the fireworks
one going off at a time, little by little, slowly building that way;
until you get to the finale that makes you smile
with this finale, no end, no happy- only destruction every day.

And even worse, by the time you get to the finale stage
you are entranced by the disease and the whole battle cry;
willingly are you, to let yourself fall at times; and others
you fight to be better; leaving you and others asking why.

At times, it is like a dream and mostly it is a nightmare
that leaves me feeling like I am only being healed halfway;
The dream part wants me better but the nightmare wont
allow it, so it is that part somehow the dream needs to sway.

I don't even know if that is possible since the battle within
has been so incredibly long and I feel so trapped even today;
I can promise and want to do better, but it doesn't matter,
it's as if as soon as I want it- that battle begins to erase what I say.

So many times I feel I'm in an unwinnable battle
and that only leaves me lost and defeated before I begin my day;
when really what I want instead, because so many things
have changed since it all began, is for it to end better than yesterday.