Letter to My First Love

Dear Ricky,

You were my first love, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and my first time. I remember when I first saw you in the 11th grade, you were the most popular guy in the entire school and nearly every girl fantasized about being with you. I know I did. I did everything I could to get you to notice me. I heard that you loved girls who knew poetry, so I joined the poetry club. You loved outgoing and adventurous girls, girls who could play sports, so I joined the basketball, soccer, and track team. Even though I hated them all so much. Thankfully it all paid off when you asked me to junior prom on Friday, 11th April, 2003.That night I took extra care with how I dressed, what I ate, what I did, and how I did it. I had worked for a year saving up for a new car, but I put it all into my outfit for that night. It was the happiest night of my life.

It seems like a lot, however not to me. When you love someone, thoughts of them consume your mind. They are all you can think about. Your brain is wired to be aware of their presence whenever they walk into a room. Your heart beats faster and faster every time you think about them, look at them, and touch them. You became my everything and I was sure you felt the same way. You were the sweetest, most romantic person I had ever met. We dated for the rest of high school to the point that we were so in love with each other that you proposed the night of our senior prom. We weren't meant to get married until after we graduated from university and you had finished medical school, however I found out I was pregnant with James. We got married the summer of our senior graduation.

Then you changed. Money was scarce and so were you. I know you were upset that you had to take up two jobs in order to meet the bills. I know you were angry that your dreams of being a medical doctor were shattered. I understand that you felt disappointed and betrayed over the injustice that had become our lives. What I don’t get is why you had to take out all that hurt and pain on me. When did the sweet words become cruel insults? Why did the loving touches become harsh blows? At what point did 'I love you turn into I hate you, I hate your presence, your existence, and what you did to me? What happened to forever?

I wasn't able to realize that when you do something stupid like give someone your heart, just because they smiled at you, looked at you, or talked to you, it hurts... a lot. You forget that when you give someone something, that means you don’t have it anymore, therefore you are empty. You might not take into consideration that the person may not want it anymore. You’re hollow and you know it, but you keep on loving even when you are supposed to be void. Even when you are supposed to be capable of doing nothing. You throw caution to the wind, and just when you are finally giving up. When the truth is finally dawning on you, and you want to move on. They give you a sign, a chance, hope. And the cycle of emptiness begins again. However, this time it is much worse.

You are probably reading this on your way to work as a McDonald’s cashier. I need you to know that whilst I will always love you, I just cannot keep living this life anymore. I need to find myself and truly figure out who I am without you. Most of all, I have to escape this illusion and facade I have been putting on for some time now. I am not the woman you fell in love with, neither are you the man I thought I loved. I am taking our one year old son and leaving you to a better place. I plead with you to get some help. Maybe in time we may be reconnected, but for now, we both have work to do on ourselves.



Love,

Emma, the one who loves you most