The Darkness

Banished to the back of my mind yet refusing to leave
The memory flashes and I see it again
I sense him near me but I know he's not here
My body tightens and I feel the sickness rising inside of me
And have to breathe deep before it takes me over

But I'm back in that moment and I see through the haze
I hear sound of his breath, feel the weight of his body
the smell of the moment, and sights of myself I wish I couldn't see
Detached and removed I rose from my body and looked down on the scene

I did what he said for fear I might die
no screaming, no fighting, no running away
Wondering if I would ever be allowed to leave
Feeling fear, confusion and not knowing what to do
Wondering would I see my mother again

Thought still not understanding what he really had done
Yet feeling dirty, shamed and blaming myself
I instantly felt loss and knew I was changed
Losing my innocence, and my ability to laugh
I was no longer carefree or unguarded in life

With the threats of what would happen if I told
I carried it silently for another 10 years
Be tough, be strong, and just leave it behind
Move on, live life and don't let him win
Easy to say but she didn't know,
The mountain of hurt inside that just won't go

To this day no one knows the details of the day
No one was strong enough to ever ask or to listen
So I continue to carry the weight of his actions
Like a stain on my soul that I cannot scrub clean

For 30 years it has affected my life
Accepting less than I truly deserve,
Making bad choices because I feel unworthy
Expecting the worst from everyone I meet
Never feeling that anyone would think I was worth more
Never expecting respect from others
Never treating myself with kindness

I put on the mask and no one ever knew,
but now it's starting to slip and I feel overwhelmed
tired of hiding and pretending I'm not broken
just wanting someone to help me forget
finally letting the healing begin