New Mom's Nightmare

         Yesterday I woke up in a nightmare. The warm morning light shone through the curtains enveloping my haggard face. It was an unexpected surprise. Usually he woke at 4 for his feeding. For a minute I thought maybe it might have been a sign of his development, then I thought the worst. When I walked over to his crib he was lying there limp and lifeless with a bluish tinge to his skin. I shook him as I myself began to shake. I screamed and cried and begged but no matter what I did he wouldn’t come back. He wasn’t alive.

         My husband called the police and the ambulance and suddenly the house was flooded with people. They were moving so fast and asking questions I didn't know the answers to. It was like a whirlwind. My husband pushed me into the ambulance with my now dead son. I cried the whole way and I cried the whole way back. I wondered why we went to the hospital to have someone declare what everyone already knew?

         The police wanted statements when we got back home. They had to do an investigation and of course, we were the number one suspects. It wasn’t fair. I couldn’t take it. I felt broken and all the questions they asked were tearing me apart little by little until my heart lay ripped apart and bleeding in their hands. I too became numb and lifeless.

         When I lay in bed that night I could neither think nor sleep. After hours of lying awake I finally got up and wandered aimlessly around the house and then around the neighborhood. Soon the sky turned orange and suddenly it was another day, another gift of disappointment, sadness, and self-blame.

         I stood still and breathed in the fresh dewy air while I watched the sun rise. Then I went home. What was there to do but live another day?