Thoughts on the roof

It is with great ease that I find myself day to day thinking of the same ideas and topics of the future. The more I think about them, the more grim they seem, and eventually one by one these thoughts are picked and cast far away from the realms of my thought. How does one find hope today? I am well aware that people in the past, present and future have suffered greatly in many different ways. Those that survive though, however, intrigue me. What is there for us to hope for in the future? Is it just me being pessimistic? Or is there really something beyond the grasps of my pessimistic head?

I see no point in so many things I do. People i associate with and meet, we all just seem to disappoint each other. And i keep wondering and longing for life to stop being so cryptic, stop being so hard to figure out and to stop being so filled with uncertainty and mystery, but i guess that would just mean missing the whole point of it. Some things which i cannot change nor hope to change hinder me from reaching the figure that i aspire to be, some things i can change that do stop me from achieving what i want is just a task that i'm not willing to carry out.

I'm so tired and frustrated with all the troubles in my little bubble called "life" that i fail to see what the point is. Will i continue trotting on life without purpose and passion? I seem to be losing the fuel of life which is passion, something that should boil and burn fiercely, undying and with the greatest of determination deep within me. With every passing day all i see is that it is getting less and less, now all that is left is a desperate glow, a weak glow that wanes and puffs with the wind, that lacks liveliness and hope.

I keep searching for something i know i cannot find. It's difficult, being so lonely and isolated from my peers. I don't think i see the same things and hear the same words compared to the people i know, and it seem like this is a huge disadvantage on my behalf. I feel like because of who I am, I have set up a barrier against people i should befriend and care for. It's not that i don't care, i just feel like i care for different things in different ways. Why is it so hard to be different? Must i conform to what this society expects from me and bury that last twinkle of flame underneath the dirt of expectations? Must i kick our my own flame for the satisfaction of others? Or am i just being rebellious and rash about how i feel and think? Too many questions of which i have no one to ask. Too many problems which i alone cannot solve.

Every time i reach out i get hurt and pushed back from that tiny grain of bravery i can muster up. And people wonder why i'm depressed most of the time? They ask questions which to me seems like they can never understand or contemplate the consequences of. They give answers so shallow and filled with the utmost distaste and ignorance that would drive those well informed mad. I've tried talking, but now i have stopped and turned my back on any hopes that anyone would understand. To think of the times in which i have let my ears be filled with words and sentences that lack so much sensitivity and compassion that questions the humanity of humans.

No longer am i angry, for i have quite accepted how situations are and will continue to be. Now, i am tired, so very lack of the drive and determination every human being should possess. Tell me, what is there to hope for? We tell children about all the beauty and grace the world has, but we shield and cover the dark and dirty side of things, we leave that for them to explore, is it fair? When they are a bit older, people fling into their faces how sad and broken the world is, is it fair? When hope is most needed people tend to hide and cower from the light of the world. These people build the demons on the surface of the earth. They create the anxiety, jealousy and fear that people can't seem to get rid of. They are the ones encouraging ignorance and insensitivity. Who are 'they'? 'They' are me, you and everyone else, as you have probably already noticed. We are all knights battling a shadow of a dragon. Fear, pain and failure, all constructed by our dignity and fear of shame. It is true whoever said that we should spend less time congratulating those who have achieved success and more time encouraging those who have not. We should all, act uniformly against the demons that we create. But is there? It is these very monsters, which possess the cunning, wits and charm to trick us into standing alone to face them.

I wonder when there will be a time in which my demons at least, will be chased away. I might appear that i have much to hope for, but trust me, hope is what i need most of now.