My Scarred Heart

My past, it’s a horrible thing, something I hate to remember even, most of it is a blacked out blur. The stuff I do remember though, it will haunt me forever. What I do remember is  growing up I hate to help my sister… before I was even two I remember doing everything for her, From teaching her how to walk again, to going to school.  It wasn't till I was older that I found the truth out about her.. it turned out my sister was left by  babysitter as my mother and I went to the store… we came home to find my sister on the kitchen table completely unresponsive... after taking her to the hospital we found out the babysitter had shaken my sister and created  large holes in her brain where it was completely  dead. So I ended up taking care of her only problem with that was my mother didn't take care of me or her at all. IN fact the most I ever received from her was a book. My mother was in all sense a piece of trash. She dated these men who beat me, threatened me, hated me, starved me, and even screwed with my mind.  There was only one man who ever treated me right and four months after him and my mother had married. He killed himself, right before my eyes, without me even knowing it even. There were times that I was locked out in below almost freezing rain. Forced to beg for food from my labors just to survive the day to day, even then she didn't care it seemed. My mental stability wasn't the best growing up either; I suffered from hallucinations and bipolar growing up. During this time in my life I sought attention even going as far as breaking into homes just to steal food, cash, and drinks to survive.  That was also how I got out of hat home as well. It was on my last house and I cop was watching it. He arrested me and placed me in juvenile detention for three days before I was seen by a judge. The judge then placed me under house arrest and set a new date. IN between the two days my sister became more restless. In a fit of insanity, my mother called a group home and had her taken away before I even got the chance to say good-bye. Shortly after that I began to crack, I began shutting down and showing signs of clinginess, depression, and anxieties. Later that month I went before the judge again who put me up for adoption saying my parents were unfit for children and I was placed in a facility called Lutherwood.  I was adopted out of there shortly after but by then I was ready to take on the world and took a job and myself off on my own. Upon seeing a therapist I had realized that I had developed a fear of women,  I began to work on that fear but countless times women after women that stepped on me brought me lower and lower till I felt like I would never get over the fear.  It was then that I realized I had to become cold, hard, and ruthless even. I would never be treated with the kindness I give out so I created a mask for myself and let my inner self sink lower becoming a monster whereas my mask showed only my kind heart.  I became a ying-yang circle in other words one part kind one part monster.  I could never get hurt this way, because I buried my heart deep within that dark monster so no one could reach it and hurt me again. My fear of women still stands firm but I've begun to slowly recover even finding ways to better help myself recover. Only without heart or fear of losing my heart, a few here and now have been allowed into my heart, others never cared to even try. I just live life hoping that I don’t lose myself to my own darkness.