The Sales Pitch

“The Sales Pitch”

“Hello Ma’am! How would you like to have all your dreams come true. All those unfulfilled wishes, daydreams? “How is this possible?” You ask. Well, it’s all through just getting a easy contract with-”

The door slams in his face.

“...Ma’am?”

“Can it.”

“Come now! You surely have some want that’s leaving an empty hole in your bitter existences!”

“No.”

“Not even one tiny little-

“No. I’m not interested. Thanks for playing! Try again later!”

“Oh come on!”

“Look I understand that you’re probably really low on your daily quota, but frankly I’m not in the mood for any sales pitch.”

“Oh please! It’s been so long. I haven’t been able to my thing for simply ages.”

“Aw, well that’s too damn bad. Go bother some other lost soul, I’m sure they would listen.”

“But why won’t you?”

“Because I’m not interested!”

“I’ll throw in these complementary cookies!”

“You’re gonna have to try a lot harder.”

“For pity's sake, buy one of our contracts lady! I’m a single father with twelve hungry mouths to feed, how am I supposed to pay for milk and bread?”

“Look. First off, what was that? Honestly. Second, you’re a terrible salesman. And third, an friggin angel just swung by yesterday and offered my own harem and eternity supply of Hostess shit if I accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior.”

“So, you took Their deal then?”

“No.”

“Wha? Bu-but why?”

“I don’t like Hostess.”

“Come on lady. This PUR-GA-TO-RY! How could you possibly turn down either side?”

“I know I know. Devine schism, the rapture and all that jazz. I just want to be left in peace and quiet. Is that really so much to ask for?”

“Er- yes?”

“You’re not helping yourself.”

“Yeah,but it was worth a shot though!”

“No. No it wasn’t.”

“...We have free wifi!”

The door swings open.

“Okay stop. Just stop. Take this twenty bucks and leave me alone.”

“So does that mean you’ll buy the basic package?”

“No! It means I want you to take this money, buzz off, and I don’t know- go buy yourself something nice. Like a vodka, or a stripper. Hell, a whole army of hookers for all I care. Maybe you can buy some rat poison and trick some poor slob to kill their whole family by spiking the turkey or something."

“Premium package?”

“No! Not take the damn money and leave! Your hell beast hooves are leaving scorch marks on my patio.”

The door slams shut.

“Nice doing business with you Ma’am”

“I swear to God and the Devil, I will break this door down and strangle you.”

“Thank you for your cooperation! Have a good day!”