Bullet proof - poison mind

I don't know what to say ..but i have to tell you some thing so here we go can't hold it more



when you relized you'v to do some thing and you can't then it start killing you from inside
but sitting at home still kinda kill me so in pakistan so many people died in target killing and bombing ..
goverment doing nothing for educating poor people just gave them money on they election day
and gave them gun's so the people will not gonna leave there party
and all the black things come from them
if you can see i belong to a medical class family
my - dad try to give me everything and still working hard for us
but what m gonna do ...
he's still young in the age of 65 doing 12 hours work ..
i feel ashemed, to see my dad still working for me and m sitting at home eating what ever i want doing what ever i want ...
i wish i had a degree or some thing but there is so pressure i can't handle
not only i don't have a degree but still some one owe me 20000$ i don't know what to do i don't drink because i know for a time i'll be happy and then felt morose again
when people judge they don't think what the fuck the are doing but the are killing me for apart i think i don't care but when you'r alone
trust me that voices being heard in the mind ...
i wish m not afraid of god and drink wine and fucked my self up ( but m afraid from here after )
because world is a shit place where you fuck some one and then laugh at them
i don;t know whom to judge some one is controlling the world bunch of people or groups but there are some i don't wan't to find them
but they make degress -- money -- for the people to slave them
i don't think every one is a slave but probblay yes 8 out of 10 are slaves
paying bank and some people are not paying tax like here
they owe goverment so much and then have factories bullet proof car's and still came for to collect the vote
all are hypocrite i guess politics is not for good people so it's not my agenda
what my agenda is to do some thing to make my parents proud
when i saw my mom's painfull eyes i can't handle them some how i looked at tv beacuse if i look in to my mom eyes it will make me cry i know they wan't say anything but
its enough for me to do some thing !
i tried 5 years ago but it didn't worked out and i know it's not the end of the world !
so what happened 5 years ago ,
Same feeling on my head and situation today was there 5 years ago,
i just cleared my school education and my family like go to work your family need's it and my dad was not saying anything at that time but now he is saying do what ever you want to like urhhh - that time i wish my dad said some thing but he was not reacting because of my mom . my uncle and my cousin brother when ever we met in the functions
they tell me to come to my office and do work and my mom with them yea please advice him i was 18 years old God damnit !
so ijoined the work after so many times of this shit scene
and then my uncle teach me how to work .. !
my family was happy and i tried to be happy because when parents laugh , you laugh too :)
every thing was going great it took 6 month to learn from my uncle and then i start working for my own with uncle
at the age of 18 in the start it was showing progess i started earning 100$ dollar after 6 months of training and my uncle gaved me pocket money of 40 $ per month
hahahaha
my dad gave more then my uncle :P so some how when i feel money in my pocket it makes me feel greats
when you pay for your friends the gave you attention and all that's kinda feels solid
and m start progressing .. after another year
i earned 200$ par month it was not a sallery it was a commesion based worked...
so people like me because of my honesty or more i say innocence i was the new sun in the market so they liked me when your growing everyone talks about you but when your broken no one come to help you whoever they are even familes showed their asses !
so everyone calls me all the time and take for me for the dinner and movies ...
so i progress again 500$ month so i was happy because when every one thing your some one then thier is the proud came in, and the happiness also !
i was a broker + a guarantor for a consumer
invester gave their products on 2 - 3 month time period and i moved them forword honestly !
i saled 50000$ product in a month or in a single day my comession was 250$
so i keep growing and growing so its been a 3 years ! i did some thing i had that feeling
still don't have a money any saved money ! because i take my family to the vications
and i spend 5000$ so i was on low cash now !
because i was working for a family so my pirority was to make them happy so i tried and when i came back
on september 2010 i managed thing and getting back in shape and then in januray 2011
a consumer of mine is defaulted and i lost 57000$
and it hit me very hard i couldnt belive that happened
then the people who owe me talks with my uncle and my cousin because they were my guarantor and all that !
my dad paid 11000$ through me and the defaulter consumer gave me some sort of money
and still my position is - 20000$
my life's changed my girl firend ditched me.. !
because of my mood swings and she feel hopeless and all...
lol we live in a muslim country it dosen't mean we don't have a female friends trust me so many shits going here
then no one can imagine !
so m still finding my path ......
and at home waisting time


Chao--
fawaD