An unexpected journey

I was afraid. I didn’t want to enter this room because I understood clearly what it represented. And unlike other rooms in this circus, this one may have served for fun, but what it showed was real. The only thing that no one told us was whether you’re the only one who sees what the mirror shows or if everyone can see your reflection.
The mirror room was the last stop on this tour and unlike any other room, it was obligatory. The only way you could exit the circus was at the end of this room. I looked around and saw that few of the people waiting to get inside were really thrilled about this. But I didn’t understand – what was there to be thrilled about? I felt like the privacy of my mind was going to be invaded and I hated it. And I also feared that I might see something I didn’t expect. But, it can’t be that horrible, right?

It was our turn to go in. We walked slowly, passing the door with some words on it. At first I didn’t pay attention to the words, but my friend nudged me, urging me to read what was written there. “Beware, the truth lies ahead” made me think how I really can’t wait to get this over with. We entered a hallway that seemed never ending. It was about 3 meters wide and you had mirrors on both sides of the hallway. There seemed to be some sort of a plaque next to every mirror, with only one word on it. Apart from the mirrors and plaques (which were golden), everything was black, but it wasn’t dark even though there weren’t any lights. It appeared as if the mirrors were glowing – making the room shine. The crowd was moving slowly and we finally got to the first mirror. I looked at my own reflection and got confused. My eyes flew to the plaque looking for an answer but “soul” didn’t have much sense. Then I looked at my friend and saw that none of us understood what this represented. While my reflection was red, my friend’s was golden. I expected to see myself in a different shape, not in different colour. But then it hit me. It’s love. It’s always been love. It’s what moves us – me – who we are deep inside. What we stream for. And while I’m happy only when I love and am being loved, my friend is happy when there’s progress and money making and well, gold. I’m not saying that she’s materialistic, I’m just saying that I’m the emotional one in this friendship. I looked back at the mirror and my own reflection and saw that there were all shades of red. This made sense now – some parts of me were darker than the others. My mind has never been a cheerful one. And yet, even though the reflection seemed completely red, only after a thorough look did I notice a little blue dot. The first thing that crossed my mind was – it’s the opposite. Red represents warmth, while blue represents cold. And yet, blue also represent royalty, but I’m certain that’s not the case here. I didn’t have much time to think since the crowd was pushing us toward the next mirror. I’ll think about this later... Blue... Sea maybe? Or water anyways... I love water, always have. I had a few moments to think about this because there were a lot of people in front of the second mirror. My friend seemed to be lost in her own thoughts as if she were trying to discover the meaning of the reflection. Come to think of it, there were a lot of interpretations of golden. It could also mean that she shines, that her aura is so bright. People always felt good around her, as if she gave some of her light to them. It could mean that she’s a rising star, someone who is persistent and resistant and precious, just like gold.

The crowd finally disbanded and we got closer to the mirror and I was confused once more. Now I was the golden one and she appeared red with the same blue spot in the same place. The plaque showed “soul” once more and I didn’t know what to think. I looked closely at my own reflection and saw that there were some parts of that golden complexion that seemed dim as if something was preventing it from being completely bright. I wasn’t sure which parts of me did this refer to, but I sensed that at least some of it had to do something with me trying to have control over every single one of my emotions, trying to numb them and somehow forbid them from showing completely. We continued down the hallway and after several more mirrors and several more confusing reflections which, if the plaques were correct, all described my soul, we finally got nearby the last one. I didn’t know what to expect of this mirror because nothing could have prepared me for the last reflections. Seeing myself as a witch (which could mean that I’m either a horrible person or somehow magical), then as an animal I can’t even name, then with a child in my arms (pregnancy, my desire to be a mother, my fear of never becoming one – all very possible explanations) and some other things I shouldn’t mention. I thought that nothing could surprise me anymore but then I stood in front of the mirror and saw myself. Nothing changed, nothing altered. I looked at the plaque and I could see the letters forming on it – ‘if you could, which one of your previous decisions would you change?’

That wasn’t an easy one. It’s not that I live a life filled with regrets, it’s just that even the slightest action could change my future life. For example, what if I had gone to another college? Or if I had.... But the mirror wouldn’t let me think anymore, it seemed to have decided. At that moment, images started showing, like a slide show of events that had never occurred. But there was me in those images and my friends and... Oh, I see. This was the life that I could have lived if my decision was different than the one I had made. I closed my eyes not wanting to see the rest, but the mirror was very persistent, now my eyelids were like a movie canvas and the slide show continued behind my closed eyes. I could feel the tears on my cheeks, I could feel the unevenness of my breath. The ‘movie’ was finally over but at the same time I hoped for another projection. But I knew there won’t be more. I walked towards the exit sign to wait for my friend but after looking around the hallway I realized that she wasn’t there. Thinking that she probably finished before me and that she’s waiting outside, I moved the heavy black curtain that served as an exit from the hallway and a sign that the tour is over but I was quickly proven wrong. There was a crossroad with another mirror in the middle of it and what seemed a lot of envelopes nearby the base of the mirror. The plaque beside the mirror now showed “what do you see?”, so I quickly forgot about the envelopes and turned my attention to the reflection in the mirror. What did I see? I saw a skeleton, my own to be exact. And there, in my rib cage, I saw a heart that was motionless at first, but then started bumping – first slowly and then faster until it achieved its normal rhythm. Just as I processed this, words on the plaque changed and they now said “take the envelope and go right.” Me, being as I am, thought that maybe I should go left and just as I thought that, all of the other paths disappeared and I could only go right. I finally exited the building, thinking how all of this was bizarre. My friend was nowhere to be seen so I sat on a bench to wait for her, presuming she’ll be out soon. I remembered the envelope then and opened it, finding a letter that wasn’t very long, but every word of it felt as if I was struck by a lightning.

“Dear Miss,
We hope that you’re not cold sitting on that bench, but even if you are, we have a few things to tell you. First of all, we are glad that you finally chose your path and when you think about it, you’ll be glad we helped you.
Secondly, we wish to inform you that everything you saw tonight was real. Every little thing reflected who you are – even the room. Some people see it as a grand ballroom, you saw it as a hallway. Some people search for answers, you searched for your soul. And finally, some see only one way out and yet, you were at the crossroad and went the RIGHT way.
And last, but not least – don’t wait for your friend, she was never there and at the same time, she has always been there. Don’t you know who she is?
We hope you enjoyed the journey.

p.s. Don’t bother telling anyone about this, no one will believe you.
Best regards”

No signature, no further explanation, no nothing. And yet somehow, it all felt clear. I have searched for my soul and ‘she’ has always been there.

I woke up suddenly trying to chase off the last bits of my dream... Dream? What dream? No, it couldn’t have been a dream..Could it? I wasn’t sure whether it was a dream or not for the rest of the week but then something peculiar happened. I found a pair of gloves in the pocket of my jacket which didn’t belong to me or anyone I know – until I remembered – I picked them up in the hallway when someone accidentally dropped them. But when I think about it, it probably wasn’t accidentally, but just some part of a greater scheme. So I just smiled, knowing that after all, no one needs to know about this. It was a journey I had to take.