oh man... dear jesse

Jesse,

i cant stop the thoughts from flooding my brain. its not fair you dont deserve this much of my time. im listening to music that reminds me of you i havent smiled a real smile all day, the list goes on. why did you do this to me? why couldnt you just listen to me when i really needed you to? why? why did i have to do what i did? why are you once again facing going back to prison? why will i be sad for the next five years of my life? why did i let you get this close to me? i'll tell you why. i dont know! thats why. i do know that from the day we met you are all i think about and i saw this coming, just ... hoped it wouldn't. ya know? i cant think . i dont want to move. yeah im still doing what i have to do, barely. its after 4 and im sitting on the couch writing this, when i should be getting ready for work. i havent cleaned my apartment. its horrible. i do feed chaos though. i love him, he must not die lol. he's all i have. im talking about a freaking lizard here. anyway, jesse d. g. i wish i never met you. why did you have to be walking down that road at that time on that day? its really not fair. and i look back on all the times that i thought this was a really bad idea and i was going to act on it. i didnt. then i think about all the times i did act on it, but i always ended up seeing you again. at first it was for all the wrong reasons. you reminded me of a part of my past that i could never have back. then i got to know you. and now, its still a roller coaster but its your roller coaster... i know the name of the ride and i was ok with it. i opened my eyes and enjoyed it for a little while. but its scary again. and i cant get off the ride wont stop. it just keeps going over the same tracks, twists and turns. you would think that after the fourth or fifth time i would be used to it and at least relax a little. but... no. its one of those things that never gets old i guess. i want to scream cry kick scratch and bite but why? i look around my apartment and im like, " ok why am i so upset i have all this stuff..." what did you really do for me? what really went on behind the curtain? im so mad. it can never be the same again. no matter what it went to far this time you know that. i know that. so why dwell on it? i even made a fake profile and now im taking to you. how ridiculous. i dont know why i did it but its making me feel a little better. im a nut job. damn i love you WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!!!!!! GOD , somebody... help me please ... i'll be ok, a little time will go by.. i'll survive...