My First Time

My First Time

There was this guy, Frank: a  real loser.  He was always hittin on us girls like some wannabe player. So he comes up to me at the Mall and Frank starts streamin his trip.  He's like asking me if I got some kinda fantasy because he can make it all come true.  Then he spreads this smile acrost his face like I'm gettin blest or somethin.

I was looking at this guy in front of me and I'm thinkin, "Yeah, I got a fantasy."  Sometimes in the middle of the night I lay awake with this endless loop video running my mind.  And its like I can reach into the meaningless repetition of my life and do something final, something ultimate.  It's like I am rising above my own life: like I can taste the power of the turning world.  The thing is, it's up to me.  If I don't reach in and take a piece of life and claim it as my own, things will just move on and will be out of reach.  I'll drown unless I take a life.  I wanna kill somebody.  Now, that's real.  If anything is real, it gotta be taken a life from somebody.

I  had pistol: a 9 mil.  I kept it under my bed when I was home.  I fired it a few times, but never hit anything alive.  Looking up into his stupid face I had a fantasy all right.  I wanted to cap his ass.  I wanted to text the world a message, "Yeah, I can do anything I want even life and death things."

But that isn't what I told Frank.  I looked up at him and said, "Well I always had this fantasy that a man like you would break into my house in the middle of the night and force himself on me.  Just kickin in the front door and bustin all manly into my bedroom.  Do you think you could do that for me Frank?"  So, Frank looks at me like he just won the fuckin lotto or something and then goes all "cool" and tells me that he is happy accommodate me and if I get turned on by the power of a man, then he's got just what I need.  So, I set up a date when my mom would be away. 

I don't know if I ever been as excited as laying there waiting for Frank to bust in that door.  It was like sexual, but more.  It was like every part of me was buzzing with excitement.  I was gonna be somebody, somebody REAL!

I gotta say this for Frank.  He died with a hard-on.