Watching

She stared out that window everyday without fail, leaning on the wooden windowpane and watching as the seasons changed. In summer she watched the children laugh and sing as we wrestled the garden hose like it was a giant python, the spraying water drenching our hair and clothes. In autumn we swung on the tall tree branches of the old sycamore tree until our hands were swollen with splinters and she watched as we hid in the raked piles of red-orange leaves. In spring she watched us pick the blooming flowers that would stay in our rooms long after they had wilted and died. In winter, enveloped in layers of woollen clothing, she watched me lay on my back, stare up at the clouds, creating stories with their shapes, and swing my arms and legs to make perfect, white snow angels. Whenever I did this I would always think of the laminated and shiny card in my pocket, I never went anywhere without it. My Nanna gave it to me after my Mum died, she told me that my Mum may not be with me but she was always protecting me. By then I knew the prayer off by heart and I went over it in my mind, as I lay encased in my own angel.

Dear Angel at my side,

My good and loyal friend,

You have been with me since the moment I was born.

You are my own personal guardian,

Given to me by God as my guide and protector,

And you will stay with me till I die.

I closed my eyes and brought the card to my chest, tracing the image of Mum and I that I had glued on, I didn’t have to open my eyes, I already knew every feature. I traced her long blonde hair that reached down to her waist imaging I was running my fingers through it and plaiting the lighter streaks. I slid my finger down to her ocean blue eyes and felt the tingling brush of her lashes against mine giving me butterfly kisses. My finger outlined her perfect pale pink lips and felt the lingering feeling of her kiss against my rosy cheek then move to my ear and whisper, “I love you Rose”. I imagined the snow angel was my Mum embracing me and I felt her warmth eliminating the winter cold.

“I love you too Mummy” I responded to the air. I opened my eyes, kissed the photo and put it back in my pocket. I got up and dusted the snow off with my numb, gloved hand, carefully stepped over my angel and headed back home quickly stealing a glance behind me. She was still there.

                                                      ……………….

It happened one day after school. It was a cold, winter’s afternoon and while everyone was heading home to snuggle in woollen blankets and sit in front of the heater, I went to the house. I snuck around the back stumbling over overgrown tree roots and untrimmed branches; it looked like it had been untouched for at least a few years. There was no door at the back but there was a window open just enough for me to squeeze through. Using outward bricks as foot holes I wearily scaled the side of the house. It wouldn’t have been more than a few meters tall but being a petite 7-year-old girl, it seemed like I was climbing the Eiffel tower. A few times I lost my footing and nearly convinced myself to return back to safe ground but the urging mystery of the women kept me going. When I reached the window I slid my hands under and tucked my fingers below the ledge before pulling the rest of my body through. I tumbled onto the floor but my lightweight stopped me from creating too loud a sound, it didn’t stop me bruising by elbow and knee though. When I finally managed to push myself up I shook the dust off my school dress - so big on me it reached my mid shin - and looked around. I was in an empty room coated floor to ceiling in a thick layer of dust, much like the garden it looked untouched. I crept out the open door and down the hallway, down the stairs and to the kitchen. I stood on the side of the door and peeked in hoping I wouldn’t be seen, but there was no one to see me. She wasn’t there. My heart sank. I dismally slunk up the staircase and down the hallway, every door was open and every room looked the same – dust coated and empty – so it wasn’t hard to miss the room I came out of. I made it all the way to the end of the hallway and into the last room before I noticed. The room was like the others, covered in dust, but the walls were lined in pink wallpaper, it peeled at the corners and the colour was dull but I was too young to care. In the middle of the room was a queen size bed covered in a ratty doona that matched the walls. On top of the bed was a pile of stuffed toys; teddy bears, dolls, animals and even dinosaurs. I immediately went for the doll; she looked just like my Mum. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I held her to my chest and turned to leave.

She was standing there. I opened my mouth to gasp but nothing came out. The light from the window shone on her and defined her every feature, especially the two things I saw protruding from her sides. Wings. She knelt down so she was at my level, she brought her lips to my rosy cheek and left a soft kiss, she then whispered in my ear, “I love you Rose.”

“I love you too Mummy.”