What is it I want?

I wake up confused.  Am I dreaming of him because I want to be with him? Do I still love him? Am I crazy?!



The man who turned my life upsidedown, no it can't be, can it?



I was a 21 year old, a good girl, did everything as a respectfu daughter and sister should and then I met him. A romance that shock my world, I did everything I thought I was uncapable of doing and I didn't see anything wrong with it, after all I was in love with him.



I managed to burn all my bridges with my family and friends just to be with him, to marry him, afterall thats all I needed and thats all I would every need and I was sure of it.



It didn't take long for the cracks to appear in the relations, perhaps the fact that I tried to committ suicide the night before my wedding ahould have beed a screaming sign but I was in love. The following few years were the most miserable of my life, everything I thought I would not tolerate I tolerated. He hit me, but I justified it, no I didn't deserve it but I was being strong and not giving up on my relationship, afterall, love conquors all! I became a slave to his family, 17 people under one roof and I was working more that 12 hours a day on my feet cooking and cleaning, and then a few more hours on my back at night as he had his way with me.  But thats what love is, its endurance, its patience and its hard work.



His family routinely treated me like a second class citizen, even though I was more educated and intelligent the all of them put together, but I could deal with it, because one day I would get away from here with my husband and have my perfect life with the man that I loved.



Then he said he wanted to go on holiday, he deserved it, he works so hard, I encouraged him. Then I found out he went with another woman and was having an affair. I couldn't stand for that, I would break up with him when he returned. He said his usual sorrys and that it would not happen again and I thought marriage, I can't give up on it that easily, maybe it was my fault, I didn't give him enough attention.  He told me to go home to my family, the first time in 3 years of our marriage, and take some rest and then we could continue and everything would be fine.  When it was time for me to return HE decided that it would not work.



He turned my life upsidedown, he abused me, he tore my heart and my life apart, he ripped me off and shattered my dreams then he got married to someone completely different and has a family with her. Me, I'm still dreaming about him, I can't possibly be in love with him, I'm just crazy!