Growing Up

The world is hard to live with when you're younger. I always try and find a way out, or look for shortcuts. It seems like I keep forgetting who I really am. Consequences over-ran my whole life, and I don't know how to stop them. For what it's worth, I am still a kid. I am still trying to fight this cold world by myself. I need no help. I learned how to fall, and it feels great. It feels great because I am finally doing something on my own. I just need some time to figure out who I want to be, and if it'll work out. In my head, I think of hurtful things to anger myself. I still don't know why I do it, but sometimes, it just happens that way. Mark my words, I will never forget who I once was.



I try to escape the world through pain and lies, but I keep putting up with myself. For now, all I have is my youth, and that is slowly going down. I don't want to put myself in better use because I deserve no better than the streets downtown. But I am just so tired, and scared of being washed up. I don't want to end up like the grownups around me. I care to much about petty items that surround me. I refuse to look at the bigger picture in front of me. I am self-destructive, and abusive. But how do I stop these acts? How do I stop myself from feeling this way? I need to believe in myself before I can believe in others. I need to learn how to rely on my ways.



I use to dream about not waking up one morning, and wonder what other people's reactions might be. Will they break down, or just let me stay there. Not caring about what happens next. But I need to realize that dream is foolish, and I shouldn't be dreaming that way. I need to find time. I need to find time to change this way of life, and how I can get past torturing myself. I bring 89 percent of my pain from the inside of me. My body hates me, but I hate it back. I hate waking up because I know the mirror is waiting right in front of me. I want to be older, but prettier. But I am stuck this way into I want to change it. Only I can be the one who tells myself that I am better than what society sees me as. I wonder what words will make me feel good. I need to start talking myself up because no one else can do it for me. I need to let myself rise, and not bring it down constantly.



I've been running away from this world for so long. How do I find myself back into a good place? If I had anybody else than I do now, how would life be? Would it be better for me? Or would I feel worser than I do now? Is that what I need in life? To be social with others? But it's so hard to be perfect in a world like this. Everyone wants you to grow up the same way as them. If there is one thing different from you and them, they categorize you into the column as freak.



This is all part of growing up, and I need to live with it. My days just need to start being better before I lose control again. When will I feel fine again?