I want to write..

..but I do not know where to start..
I no longer know whether I am someone who appreciates everything..or someone who's angry at it all..
I dont even know why im so sad...her story was beatiul...and her death was so pretty!

She called me one night, I had a friend just walk in so I ignored her call as it was probably one of a few calls we'd make daily just to catch up, for years now. Shortly after the phone stopped ringing I received a message from her asking me to call her urgently.

Up to this point is this essay I was telling her story to you. With all my respect to my readers, I just realized that it is her that I want to talk to..I will tell her my story with her like i told her my every other story seeking consolation from the one and only person I open up to.

When I asked you what was wrong and you said "i want u to stay calm to whatever im about to tell you..i want u not to worry khales.." I had thought that you were going to tell me that you were pregnant, thinking that having an univited baby was as bad as it could get. You didnt't leave me wondering too long, you soon broke the news that forever now had raised my bar of pessimism. I was begging you'd tell me it's that old joke of making things sound awful before u reveal that they're just bad so you could get away with it. I was now wishing with all my heart that the uninvited guest in your body was a baby, not cancer.

Being the optimist I was, I tried comforting us both by reminding u of the breast lump issue ive been through with you a few years ago and it turned out to be nothing but then again you broke me off by saying you had already seend 2 doctors, had a biopsy, and the unpleasant results confirmed. You know now what really freaked me out of all this? Is that you've been through all that without me, and that I haven't noticed a thing. The fact that you kept it from ME for a while confronted me with how serious this is.

Fri 16 March 12

Now that ur gone, i want to tell ur mother to enjoy the pain..for it was given to her to wash her out..
A while ago I was broken down crying and missing..I realized that the pain was a very strong emotion, an overwhelming feeling that hurts...I want to trick myself into changing the effect of that feeling...I dont want to her to feel pain when i think about u...what you both had was so beautiful that its a shame to cry over..