this and that

Regardless of what may or may not be going on around me, I intuitively tune it out. I tune it out to the extent of harm. Harm to myself and to others. There is, on some deep unknown level, sabotage in my wiring. Flaws run throughout my programming. I know universally, that for people, the way I think and feel is not natural. I perceive no connection. Everything, except for violent inner dialogue is tuned the fuck out. I am a windup toy, mindless and repetitive.

Victimized by the past. A past I created and cannot let go of. Vicious frames flash by and are vivid and ugly. I watch a child decay to his present form unfold in seconds. My breaths become shorter, and the limbs become stiff as I engage in my form of remote viewing. Twelve years have created this hole in existence. I search, but cannot find. I pray, getting no answer. I will, but cannot do. I create backwards in my reality. All sense of hope or enjoyment is sucked away into oblivion. A constant black hole is my shadow consuming the fabric of tiny incidents. I guess it is what it is.

Paranoid and on edge is my modus operandi. I question, and am unsure of literally everything. Like, the future. The past has not been kind, so how am I to expect oncoming days to show me in their favor. I see desolation ahead. Being stranded without options and alienated from everyone I know. I fear it and at the same time, know it is part of my design. It is said to stick with what works. In other words, familiarity. So comfort to me is watching myself eventually unravel. It is all I know.

I watch from a distance. A painful distance. So close as if I can reach out and touch, but so far that I scream out and there is silence. I watch them and you from a distance. A cold distance. I shiver when they shine and you are resilient. Echoes of cheers fill the halls and vibrate ascending joy. I shiver. So cold is this grip and cloud that looms over me. I want and covet and silently pray for blindness to end the cruel charade that leads me on. I watch, and you don’t see me. I fade away with your laughter. I dissolve in your progress. I am forever enslaved to be your shadow, a shadow, the shadow.