$3000 bowl of stew

BELIEVE IT OR DON'T, THIS REALLY HAPPENED.

it was monday evening. i had just finished cleaning up after supper when the door bell rang. i opened the door to find my neighbor jim standing there. " you got to come down and taste this stew i made." i agreed and followed him to his house. i sat down at his kitchen table while he stirred a small pot on the stove.
as he stirred the contents jim said " this is probably going to be the most expensive meal you have ever had. you remember when i asked you to join us hunting on sunday. well, i picked bob up about 4am and we headed to backwoods county where his hunt club has land. the weather was miserable and when we go up there, the fog was so thick you could barely see the sides of the road. he had only been there one time before and we drove around for a hour looking for the entrance. when we couldn't find it, bob said we should try his cousin's place, it was only a few minutes away. we arrived at his cousin's land and pulled the van well off the road. the ground looked ok, so we unloaded our guns and went hunting. the weather had cleared and we were soon deep in the woods. we never saw any deer but i shot a large squirrel. it was almost noon, so we headed back to the van. as we approached, a jeep pulled over and a man in uniform got out. he waited for us by my van. when we got to the van, i could see he was a game warden.
"mornin boys. you do any good?"
bob answered, "nah, just a squirrel."
"well you'all can see this is posted property, you the owners or got permission"
bob reached in his pocket and pulled a folded piece of paper out of his wallet.
"well, that takes care of you, and you(meaning me)"
"no sir i don't. i thought if one of us had a note..."
"dont count son, sorry but i gotta write you a ticket for that."
i handed him my driver's license and he wrote out the ticket.
"i need to see you'alls hunting permits."
bob and i handed them over. bob's was ok but he looked closely at mine.
"this license expired yesterday. gotta write a ticket for that too."
"i see you carrying shotguns. i need to check em."
he took bob's and worked the pump. one, two, three shells and a plug.
"that's legal, let me have the other"
i nodded and handed over my almost new beretta A400. i had bought it on my last deployment and had spent almost $1000 after i found it would cost $1500 here.
"fancy new fangled one huh. let's unload her and see what we got."
one, two, three, four shells. no plug.
"you'all need to read up on hunting rules. can't have more than three shells in a shotgun here in backwoods county. sorry but that's another ticket and i gotta keep the gun."
"is that the squirrel you shot?" pointing to a tail hanging out of my game pouch. i nodded.
"you'all really need to read up on local hunting rules before you go out disturbin our sunday. cant do any shootin here on sunday till after 2pm. ain't but noon now and that squirrel's still warm. sorry but that's another ticket."
the game warden finished writing out tickets, gave me my copies and my driver's license. "if you'all show up on your court date and pay all the fines and maybe make a contribution to the judge's re-election fund, you can probably get your gun back. you'all boys have a good afternoon." he loaded my shotgun in the back of his jeep and then drove off.
bob didn't say anything, just walked over to the van. "ah heck, jim look at this"
i turned and looked. the ground we had parked the van on was not as solid as i had thought and the van was sunk to the frame on all four wheels. i opened the side door, took off my jacket and found my cell phone. no bars, no signal, nothing.
bob was checking his phone also. "not a thing jim. guess we gotta walk to that store we passed on the way here."
we got all of bob's gear in the van and got ready to leave. it was stil cloudy but warmer, so i left my all weather coat(still had heavy sweater) in the van. we started walking toward the store, about three miles. i wasn't paying too much attention, but the clouds got lower, darker and after a half hour of walking it started to rain. i knew we more than half way, so we just kept going. bob had pulled on his hood and had the sense not to say anything. no houses, no cars, no signs of life.
when we reached the store, i was soaked. the store was closed, a note on the door said:
CLOSED ON SUNDAYS SO OUR PEOPLE CAN GO TO CHURCH WITH THEIR FAMILIES.
i cursed under my breath and found a spot out ot the rain. i pulled out my phone and checked, still no service. i dug in my pockets and came up with a dollar in change. i ran through the rain to the open pay phone and called my wife. i could tell she was trying hard not to laugh as she heard the story. i gave her the name of the store and she promised to call the auto club as soon as i hung up. i ran back to cover and waited for the tow truck. i dug in my shirt for a cigarette, but they were all wet. bob didn't smoke so he couldn't help.
about an hour later, a tow truck pulled up. i explained what had happened and filled out the forms.
the driver said,"only got room for one up here, one of ya gotta ride in the back." bob and i flipped a coin and i lost. i got as comfortable as i could in back of the cab and we drove back to the van. when we arrived, the rain had stopped and the sun was starting to shine. the driver got out and walked around the van.
"got er stuck good huh. well lets see what we can do."
he moved his truck behind the van, attached his pull bar and chains, then started to unstick the van. all went well for a few seconds, then i heard the shriek of ripping metal as the van came free. the van was out of the mud, but the exhaust pipes and muffler i had just put on were still there.
"sorry about that son, but the note you signed says i ain't responsible for any damages." he unhooked his equipment and drove off.
i opened up the van, changed into a dry shirt, found a dry cigarette, then put the remains of my exhaust system in the van. the van started right up but sounded like a racing car. bob got in and we headed for home. we stayed on back roads as much as we could but had to pass through the town of backwoods. i drove as slowly and carefully as i could but before we left town a blue flashing light filled my mirrors. i pulled over, shut the motor off, and waited.
the policeman looked like a character out of an old movie, reflective sunglasses, gun low on the hip, toothpick in his teeth. i rolled down my window and handed him my license and registration.
"what you boys tryin to prove? i heard you 2 minutes before i saw ya"
i started to explain about the tow truck damage and the day.
"don't really care. can't have folks drivin like this in my town. you'all get out and stand by the back of the van."
we did as we were told and watched as he started writing tickets. after about 5 minutes, he walked back to us.
"well, gotcha one here for improper equipment, one for excessive noise, and finally one for disturbing the peace. ain't gotta sign em, just be in court on the day listed. now get out of my town."
bob and i got back in the van, started it up and finally got home. i started counting the damage this morning. the shotgun is worth at least 1000 dollars. the exhaust system cost 500 dollars and i can't reuse any of it so that's another 1000 dollars. i called a lawyer and he said he could take care of the tickets for 2000 dollars. so that means the squirrel in that pot cost me at least 3000 dollars.
he filled bowls for me and himself and sat down across from me. i ate every drop, but didn't have the heart to tell him it needed salt.