Going Piece By Piece

         I find myself longing to speak but no words will come out. It seems every time I try it ends as a failed attempt. There are so many things at the tip of my toungue, surrounding my mind, and sinking my heart. No matter what I do or how long I clean, organize, or whatever, I am always reminded of what is missing. A life without compassion, affection, and someone to "lean on" is a lonely one.

         How are you supposed to keep loving someone when they get mad every time you cry as if it's nothing but an inconvenience? How are you supposed to want to be with someone when you're not allowed to be anything but happy? I don't feel as if I'm even in a relationship although supposedly I am.

         When you're with someone aren't you supposed to want to support them and make them feel better if something is wrong? Aren't you supposed to want to help them if they are struggling? Aren't you supposed to try and work with them instead of acting as a supervisor? Aren't you supposed to be able to trust them to do right by you instead of trying to prevent a "stab in the back"? To me, all these things come with being in love with someone.

         The space between us is getting wider, and my love for him is getting weaker. It's as if my ability to love him is being metaphorically stoned to death by his own hands. He says he loves me, but words are just words and that's all it seems to be. Thinking about it, that's all it's ever seemed to be. Actions always speak louder than words and his actions have definately not said "I love you" to me.

         I believe he cares to the extent of physical wellness, but even that seems to be limited. I literally feel as if i'm "walking on eggshells" in fear the majority of the time. I'm afraid to step too hard or even a little out of line, because every time i do, there is another stone thrown at the feeble love i am trying to keep alive.

         His anger hurts more than anyone else's ever could, only because I let my inner walls down and let him in. Now that I've done that, it's quite difficult to build them back up. I do believe I made a mistake doing that. I feel I let my walls down for someone that doesn't even want to peek inside the gate. I have tried and tried to get him to let me inside his walls but i just keep hitting my head against cold stone.

         I don't know what to do to get rid of this horrible feeling of being lonely but not alone. Maybe love just isn't what i thought it was. Maybe I'm just too soft. I sometimes wish I could just be okay with the way things are, but i can't right now, and don't know if i ever can be.