Meet Jake the Snake

1.

"You want this monster on your face, huh," Jake said, quite hornily, unzipping and dropping his pants on to the floor in a flash. The revelation of his manhood was met with giggles by the blonde woman in a short, tight skirt sitting on the couch in front of him.

"The fuck you laughing at?" he shouted. Obviously the slut didn't know what's good for her. Well, she will. Oh hell yes she will.

"Jake the Snake, huh?" Amy smiled and giggled annoyingly, "So, where'd you get the nickname? And I'm sorry. I really am, I feel bad for you," she said with an overdone sad face and with an overdose of pity in her voice.

"Oh, fuck you, FUCK YOU!" Jake shouted again, pulling his jeans back up and sealing his monster back in to its cave, "I'll get you fired for this, you know? So you should probably, just play ball," he hinted, not as a serious threat but just to show her he wasn't fucking around. And goddamn he wanted to.

"Not much to play with," Amy snickered, "Besides, what's my job got to do with anything?" Amy continued, with a bit surprised look on her face. She worked as a secretary, so she didn't get the connection between typing and sucking cock.

"Did you think you were gonna do some typing here when you boss told you to come over? I mean, when he said something like", Jake switched his voice in to a more bass-like tone, "Like 'Ive got this job for you at this apartment with a guy named Jake the Snake' and then you go", switching to a high-pitch girly voice, "Oh okay, let me get my typewriter with me!" Jake snorted, "How fucking dumb are you blondes."

"I go where my boss tells me to go, but that doesn't mean sex with losers like you. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder what the hell I'm doing here," Amy frowned, "Plus I don't just type, you know, and who the fuck uses a typewriter anymore, are you from the fucking stone age or ages or whatever?" Amy continued, quite annoyed by the fact that her boss is apparently pimping her around. Before Jake got a chance to even think of another insult there was a knock at the door, followed by the doorbell. And another knock. Amy got up in hurry, seeing her chance to flee, but Jake pushed her back down.

"Sit your fucking ass down, we're not done here," Jake said, walking towards the door.

"Like you'd get anyone done with your..." Amy said while getting back up but was interrupted by Jake slapping her in the face. He was holding a small caliber pistol in his other hand, pointing it at Amy.

"Sit the fuck down!" he commanded. Amy froze in place.

Jake then moved quietly to the door and looked through the peephole, holding his gun ready. But it was just his liaison with the powers that be, his employer, standing in the hallway. A plump, sweaty little white man, in a cheap brown worn-out suit-jacket and jeans, wearing a ridiculous white cowboy-hat that barely fit his balloon of a head.

"Hello Jake! I was gonna say good to see you again, but you know, you're a dick. You gonna let me in?" the liaison, named Lil Ly, asked. Jake shook his head, annoyed by his bullshit but let the guy in. Lil Ly walked in to the living room where Amy was still sitting, visibly shaking and wondering what the fuck was happening. At the same time Jake's cat, Miss Kitty, made an appearance, still groggy from her nap, and started purring against Amy's leg.

"What's this we got here?" Lil Ly asked, in confusion. He always thought Jake was too much of an asshole to get ladies into his apartment without date rape-drugs or by holding them at gunpoint.

"I'm Lil Ly, sweetie," he said offering his hand to Amy, who shook it nervously.

"The fuck you shooking my hand, bitch," Lil Ly said and slapped her, "You was supposed to lick it bitch, now lick it or I will slap your ass silly," he threatened. Amy, shaking even more, licked the guy's hand and then turned her attention to the cat circling around her legs, who on occasion tried to climb inside her skirt. When Amy denied access the cat hissed, but then started purring again and pressed herself against Amy's legs. Amy gently tried to pet her, but the cat immediately hissed and tried scratching Amy for the rude invasion of little Miss Kitty's privacy. After Amy pulled her hand back the cat was purring again.

"That's a good girl. Alrighty, Jake, here's something for ya," Lil Ly said pulling an envelope out of his jeans' back-pocket. Jake took it and was taken aback by the foul smell eminating from the envelope.

"The fuck Ly, you had this in your pocket and not up your ass, right?" Jake frowned and kept the envelope at arm's reach.

"Yeah, back-pocket. But I've got the runs today so maybe some of it has leaked through my pants," Lil Ly explained it like it was nothing at all.

"Jesus Christ, man. Can't you just tell me the details and I'll flush this piece of shit down the toilet," Jake said with disgust.

"You wouldn't wanna do that sonny, there's the first half of your payment in there," Lil Ly smiled and gazed hornily at Amy's legs, and then the cat's butt. Kitty seemed to be in heat as she was offering her ass to Amy.

"What, you give me fucking shit-money? Goddamn asshole, you fucking pig!" Jake said angrily and then noticed a brown stain on the other side of the envelope. He shouldn't have but he touched it. It was wet. Then he shouldn't have smelled his finger, but he did and almost puked.

"Now, now, boy, it's all good. Say, that pussy is really horny, eh?" Lil Ly asked, sweating even more. Jake didn't know if it was because of the heat in the room or Ly's wildly running imagination.

"Yeah. Miss Kitty. You know Mr Kitty from South Park? I wanted to get a cat after seeing that crazy fucker. But I wanted a male one, not this bitch. Dunno how I got it mixed though, I hand-picked this one 'cause she seemed to be the manliest and craziest fucker of the bunch, I saw her whoop ass," Jake wondered, thinking back at it.

"Males got balls you know, and a penis," Amy suddenly broke out of her daze, "Of course you wouldn't know about that since you don't have either you fucking prick! But I guess it turned out alright for you since your cat's now the only thing you CAN please!" Amy continued her little outburst, staring knives through Jake's skull. After a short silence Jake answered with a pistol-whip, knocking her out cold. Miss Kitty then realized her chance had come and climbed up Amy's skirt. A licking sound then ensued.

"Sonny, you ever had a threesome, with two guys and girl," Lil Ly started, as he saw Amy's lights go out, "Maybe a lesbian pussycat thrown in the mix, huh? You interested in that?" he continued and gazed back at Jake.

"Fuck no," Jake replied almost immediately, "You sick motherfucker you."

"We could use my shit as lubricant, you know, I feel it oozing out of my asshole as we speak, son," Lil Ly continued, rubbing his ass and staring at the bulge in Amy's skirt as Miss Kitty was conducting business. Jake was speechless for a moment, disgusted by the fact he somehow knows these fucked up people.

"Just give me the details and get the fuck out of here. Keep it short too," Jake insisted.

"Okay. Short as possible, like I hear you like yours, wink wink, boy. An old granny living in this building actually, you gotta whack her. Do it as you please but do it before bingo next Friday," Lil Ly explained, still rubbing his ass.

"You wanna kill an old lady 'cause of bingo? You can't be fucking serious," Jake asked in disbelief.

"No, no, that's just for me, getting rid of some nasty competition. Patterson has his reasons, the less you know the better. How much for the kitty?" Lil Ly asked. Jake pulled the gun on him.

"Get the fuck out of here," he hissed. Lil Ly, keeping his hands up, yet still staring at the action under the skirt, slowly walked to and out the door.

Jake lowered the gun, and threw it on the armchair. He lifted Amy's skirt and saw that Ms Kitty had managed to get the juices flowing, or maybe it was just her spit. Either way worked for him, and he grabbed the cat by her neck and threw her away with a loud meow of disappointment.

"Okay, bitch, shit funny now? Ooh, kitty licked you good, huh? Well let me finish the job and we'll see who gets the last laugh," Jake snickered maniacally while undressing and started violently pounding away.

During his exploits of depravation he realized he didn't get the name of his target. He figured there's at least six old ladies living in the building. Well, it's like that Pokemon-shit, you gotta catch 'em all!