Celebrities Suck

Dear Celebrities,

You suck! I hate that you’re misconduct has infiltrated media outlets to the point that your inabilities to drive sober make the featuring stories on respected outlets like www.foxnews.com. Rip Torn, by driving under the influence, I have come to the sad conclusion that the only notoriety you can get is being the ‘drunk C grade actor.’ (To be fair, I too might feel compelled to drink after such a disappointing career. By disappointing I mean being the supporting-supporting character of Bert Langdon in the less than inspiring feature film: Welcome to Mooseport.) But nonetheless, you suck, get it together. Snoop Dogg, oops I mean CALVIN, here is a revolutionary concept: Quit perpetuating your stereotype of the thuggish rapper who, upon becoming famous he forgets social norms quicker than an Alzheimer’s patient by carrying an illegal handgun to the OH-SO-DANGEROUS “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.” You suck, because you are only famous for making the oh-so artistic beats like: “Gin and Juice,” “Lets exchange hoez,” “Whoop your ass,” and my favorite: “Can’t Stop that Gangsta Shit.” Congratulations Calvin, thanks to your incomprehensible rise to fame, we actually “Can’t Stop that Gangsta Shit” because for some ungodly reason people look up to you and want to emulate you. Don’t for a second take that as a flattering remark. You should be ashamed of yourself for using your power for the wrong reasons. Tracy Morgan no one is laughing at your DWI, nor your SNL skits…may I suggest a different career path? It’s a path that doesn’t involve: 1. Driving your Escalade when your belly is filled with ‘Crystal’ and when your breath is reminiscent of “COLLEGE sweater donning, Jack Daniels guzzling” John Belushi! 2. Eliminating the entertainment element attached to Saturday night that I frequently encounter 11:30 when I turn on NBC. Now, Ms. Paris Hilton, up until your DUI, I was one of America’s leading proponents of your awesomeness. I truly appreciated the fact that you were trying to create some sort of legacy where uber-rich girls don’t just sit on their pleather couches complaining about how every letter in PRADA is capitalized. But you suck too for being just like every other ‘befuddled, misinterpreted, misrepresented, misjudged, confused, drug-inspired artistic,’ celebrity who has yet to learn the lesson that you shouldn’t put your keys in your Mercedes-Benz SLR if you have imbibed enough alcohol that you start CHARGING people to see your fun parts. I advise you to take me seriously, if not for yourselves, then for the millions of people who naively look to you for comfort, inspiration, and life-style advice. You have no idea what effects you have on your following fans and I know this because if you had any inkling regarding the magnitude of your misconduct, the DWI’s, drug charges, and weapons charges would be eradicated and magazines like Us Weekly would be filing for bankruptcy. You complain about the media and paparazzi when they invade your livelihood during one of your ‘off’ days where an eight ball and a bottle of jack are the only cure. Is it truly the media that plagues your life or is it you? All I ask is: Get it together!. Thank you and have a good day.

Your truly,

Notuckermax