Breathless

I lie here, partially paralyzed. My eyes too heavy to maintain alertness. I need to stay awake. Just a little longer. I need to see him. Desperately needing his presence to fill my senses, I continue to fight off the darkness that beckons me. Stay awake Rachelle. Her hands are inside of me now. I only know this because my body jerks with her every action. I feel no physical pain. My thoughts are focused on one thing only. Him. My eyelids struggle to allow my eyes sight, but to no avail. I can't do it. I can't stay awake. Yes you can! He'll be here soon. Just a little bit longer. As I am about to lose conscientiousness, I hear him. Oh how I have longed for this day. I hear nothing but his cries. Want nothing but to see him, to touch his soft skin, to kiss his sweet cheek. I have no concept of what happened between the moments when my ears heard that most glorious sound, and my eyes beheld the most beautiful creature, but here he is. My masterpiece. One soft kiss and he is gone. They took him. My baby. My son. Why?! My once perfect moment is now filled with alarmed faces and voices. "Take a breath, sweetie" Who is saying that? I hear the voice again "Rachelle, I need you to breath". Another voice “She’s hemorrhaging!". I know that one. That voice. My doctor. I feel the absence of breath in my breast, and have no desire to replace it. I still feel my body being jostled around on the operating table. This is so peaceful. "Rachelle!" a painless slap across my cheek. “I need you to breath for me” The anesthesiologist. He wants me to breath. I draw in an undesired breath. The doctor, doing an unsuccessful job of hiding the urgency of the situation, moves quickly to stop the bleeding. I desire no breath. I only know contentment. “Rachelle, take a breath”. I might be dying. I might be dying, and I’m perfectly fine with that. I want sleep to take me, and feel no panic toward my breathless lungs. What a perfect moment. Peaceful. “Got it!” My doctor’s voice again. “Rachelle, I need you to breath. Can you please take a breath for me?”  I take one last breath before the darkness takes me. When I open my eyes, he’s there…sleeping peacefully at my bedside.