Dichotomy of Me

i am torn
between following a creative or intellectual path
possessing a mind for both of the two
one half of it tells me to chase a fantasy –
develop inducements of thought, emotion, and inspiration
images to accompany words and sounds
no second chance at life, only one time to try
the other half attempts to drown it out
who will take you seriously? suppress whimsical desires
plenty of broke deadbeats out there who followed dreams
now singing coulda woulda blues
don’t waste true talent and capabilities
people could one day spread word of accomplishments
rather than gossip about how you tried to be…

uncertain of where my allegiances lie
forced to choose one or the other
difficult to be neither or both
one strives for an unrealistic land of utopia
where all is for one, one is for all, and everything is equal
admirable, but impractical
the other supports the viewpoint of the individual
the yearn to climb the ladder without others pulling you down
understandable, but selfish
even more difficult to sift through the nonsense
clarity dimmed by hypocrites, discriminators,
and guides without direction, pointing fingers
but both belong to a system which i adore
magnanimous towards the powers that bind me
in the grand scheme of things i am luckier than most
if i learn how to work it, can i make it work for me?

don’t know whether to keep up or hold back
long gone are the days of the pony express
communication transmitted in an instant
no, less
an ineffable number of pages
filled with all that inquiring minds would want to know
though the flow of information and misinformation is manipulated
social ties sever only when wanted
sometimes not even then
a flash forward to the reality of 1984
actions monitored, thoughts and views shaped, decisions predicted
but without it, would i be who i am today?

caught in a world divided between oppressors and the oppressed
of the destroyers and those who wallow in destruction
of sheep and wolves
many blind to which they really are
including myself, for even i waver amongst the two
grasping for wisdom as the years approach
clutching onto my youth when they pass
i must not try to overcome that which is insurmountable
objects beyond the reach of my control
i can only come to terms with myself

What do I think?
How do I feel?
Why, Who, Which…am I?