NO choice

No choice
by Shawndra Gonzales

From the moment you were born
I fell in love with you
I had no choice
you with your flashing bright eyes
your button nose
your little pink bow of a mouth
demanding from the beginning
never agian could I be everything you needed
never again could I protect you from the world
you could never go back to the womb
I had no choice
I fed you at my breast
everything I ate you ate
everything I loved to eat
that gave you gas and made you cry
I had no choice
you learned to crawl
you learned to walk
you learned to fall
I couldn't stop you
I couldn't catch you
when you bled
when you cried
my heart ached to take away your pain
I had no choice
your voice fill the air
with sweet words
of innocence and love
you spoke and I made things happen
you had the power
and I had your love
waking up to your little hands
prying my eyes open
"Mommy, are you awake?"
I had no choice
the colors of a young artist
brightly shining from the hand
of a five year old
the words of a future writer
as you wrote letter by letter
to mean exactly what you wanted to say
"Mommy how do you spell.."
Love was an easy four letter word
you learned it first
how was I to know
how soon you would learn
the other four letter word
Hate.
I divorced him, your father
I had no choice
I loved him
I spoke in the term forever
how was I to know
He didn't mean forever
he lost the love he had for me
he let it slip beyond both our fingers
beyond both our hearts
I had to let him go
to save myself from slipping away from you
I had no choice
you were angry
and I was there everyday
you needed to blame someone
and I was there everyday
I had no choice
I couldn't fix the broken family
I couldn't fix your broken heart
I couldn't fix anything
all I could do was be there everyday
I had no choice
now you are growing up
you demand that I let you grow up
I want to catch you
so you don't fall
you won't let me
I want to hear sweet words
about innocence and love
and you stand by
your right to hate that
I have raised a son
who wants to be a man
all I want is a glimpse
of the baby I knew
a baby I carried in my womb
I have no choice
from the moment you were born
I have loved you always
I have no choice
September 20, 2010 A day we survived.