The Wizard of Id

  Once upon a time in Topeka, Kansas, a runaway adolescent female woke up with the sunshine through her bedroom    window. Slowly rising and disturbing the dust motes in the air in her one room flea infested flat, she farted loudly and greeted the day. Dorothy had been experiencing some troubling thoughts lately and her fantasies began to center around her sexual identity. Because she was a substance abuser, there was no drug off-limits in her mind. She was dying to try some LSD, a hallucinagenic drug that her friend Murray spoke of last night after several drinks.

  Donning her usual garb, sweaty food stained sweatshirt, with ratty jeans with several holes, she made preparations for her appt. at the methadone clinic, just a few blocks from her apartment. Leaving her flat, from which she was unable to lock because someone had broken in and stolen her ELVIS PRESLEY CD's, a few days previously, she hit the streets. Dorothy thought to check her watch after obtaining her high and remembered Murray, a regular at the Shamrock Cafe on Fayerweather St. In her stupor, she fancied herself riding the bulls at the rodeo not far from town.
"Don't I wish she thought, I've yet to see a woman riding them. If only I could be a man, they wouldn't deny me then."

Entering the tavern that had the sources for the drug she sought, she stumbled over a mangy old dog at the entrance. Close to falling, something in her foggy brain registered a presence. The presence coalesced into Murray, her soul mate and best drinking buddy.
''Hey partner, hold on now, I got you. Did you make your appointment today. you should have a night job, you get to sleep all day and then party on".
"Shut up Murray, you got that acid. You told me that stuff will take you anywhere, If you know what I mean".
'Yeah, I got it, where you wanna take it, we don't want to be hanging on the street".
Dorothy blurted, "Let's go to your pad, we can crash there, I don't need to be home".

Dorothy and Murray lumbered to his apartment after several shots of tequila. Once there amongst the yellowed sheets and cockroaches, they downed the tablets of acid.
"Hey Murray, What's supposed to happen? You know I've read stories at the library about all kinds of weird shit happening, like wanting to fly out the window and stuff."
"Don't worry, said Murray, let it happen, just relax."

Wielding an ax, the figure approached." Hey Lady, Get the hell off my flowers, they won the grand Prize, a blue ribbon and a year's supply of ale, courtesy of the OZ's World's Fair."
'Oh Jesus H. Christ, angry midget with an axe, Where am I, She thought.," Mr. Dwarf, oh I mean, as Dorothy corrected herself politically, I mean Mr. Little Person, I just found myself here."
"You're an off-worlder come to the fair. It's gonna be great. The Great Wizard is performing feats of magic for the crowd and it's free, such is his largesse, lots of booze and stuff". At the mention of alcohol and true magic , Dorothy roused herself from her fog and stood up.
"Little friend, you said your wizard can perform feats of real magic."
"Yes tall woman of another place, he truly can.''

Dorothy thought, and without pause, asked, "Can he make me into a man?
Old Victor, the little man looked at Dorothy dully and said, '"You gotta be shitting me, "
"You understand about such things here, or wherever, I am."
"Yeah lady, he replies, the times they are a changing".
"Where can I find this wizard?"
"He's in Las Vegas lady, oh I mean OZ, Christ I forget, toasting Jack Daniels too much, I thought everybody knew that, anyway follow the yellow brick road. Watch out for ruts though, and you might find some weirdos on the way"

"Well this is fucking incredible", thought Dorothy", I can go to Las Vegas and get a sex change , panhandle, drink,and gamble If I choose. This acid is great. Wonder where Murray is?, Never mind, he can take care of himself." With some searching, Dorothy found the beginning of the path and started out. A dim memory surfaced, something about a chick singing gaily down the road. Never mind, she thought as she took this as a manifestation of the effects of the LSD and continued on. Feeling dry mouthed after the binge with Murray, and several miles of walking , she spied a stream alongside the road. Squatting down, and cupping her hands together, she raised the liquid to her her lips.

"I wouldn't drink that lady, there is a lot of nasty shit in the water. It's a witches brew of pollutants."
"Who said that'" her pulse racing.
"It's me, that handsome bastard you just walked by. Funny how that happens, Even the crows don't pay me any attention".
"You're just a scarecrow, and my god, how is it that I can talk to you. My name is Dorothy, and I am off to see the wizard ."
"Help me off my pole and I'll walk with you."As Dorothy extricated the straw man from his perch, he opines," I am a simple scarecrow", and to make a long story short , I aspire to be a great writer. What's your story?.
"I want a sex change operation", said Dorothy.
"Not something you hear about everyday around these parts. Let me go  with you.Maybe he can help me too, I hate hanging around."

And so it goes, the two traveled until twilight. Sunset was like all the colors of the rainbow if you are chemically inclined. In the distance they made out a figure sitting on a park bench . Coming closer, they saw that it was a huge lion looking at a girlie magazine with one hand holding it up. Closer still, they could see that he had a faraway look in his eyes. Conspiciously coughing, Dorothy spoke:
"Good Evening, Mr. Lion, I hope you are not a hungry, carnivorous beast
"No way Jose.! Embarassed to be caught with the magazine, his face reddened.
"Is it any of your business?"
"We are off to see the wizard, an image appeared in the miasma of her memory of a young girl and a lion without Chutzpah, but she let it pass . We want the wizard to help us with our wishes". The lion shot back, unabashed now, You think the wizard could help me? I want to be more amorous , the viagra and cialis aren't working"," Need I say more."
"Oh certainly,' both Dorothy and the scarecrow said in unison, he is a miracle worker ".
"Then it's a miracle I seek, I'm an aged circus lion without a mate , and to be honest with you, an inability to you know, get aroused.

The trio of malcontents started out after a night of shivering cold, three huddling together, and oddly bonding.
Squeak, Squeak,..something sounded along the path.
"What in hell is that, Dorothy spat,..conjuring up sounds of construction equipment grating on a stubborn boulder. A metal man confronted them and began to dance. Soon the metal man began singing.
"God this stuff is good", thought Dorothy.
"What's your story", they chorused.
"Oh, excuse me. I'm rehearsing for my audition with the wizard. He's agreed to see me and hopefully I'll get a part in in "HAIR', you know, that long running musical"
"No Shit, said the lion. We 've got out own problems, but if you want to come along, you are welcome to join us.

After exchanging pleasantries, the four skipped merrily along. Soon they heard a cackling. It became louder.  Coming closer they saw an old crone whacking a broomstick against a tree.
"Can we help you Madam," said the metal man.
"No Thanks, you metal whack job, just trying to get the broom working"
"Who are you, ' said Dorothy.
"I'm the wicked bitch of the North, no I mean the wicked witch of the north, or so the story goes. I'm supposed to play the antagonist in this stupid drug induced fantasy of Dorothy's. But I'm tired. Be on your way, I've no time for you.""
'Thank you witch, we will, said the Lion, and may I say, You look particularly fetching today."

"Get lost creep", the crone screeched.
They strode on, stoic now, determined to see this wondrous man of magic. After a while scarecrow cried aloud, "Oh crap, I just stepped in cow manure . At least it feels like it". Can this be true?, I just stepped on a wedding cake. What is a wedding cake doing out here in the middle of nowwhere."
"I think I know, Dorothy exclaimed, There is a professor of Creative Writing at a small community college I used to attend, I haven't a clue as to what he had in mind. He must have been drinking heavily at the time of assignment. I am not sure he renewed his creative license. He told us to describe a cake, I think. Never mind, we should just kick it to the side of the road and forget about it.'"

Soon they came to the Emerald City, er no the city of Las Vegas and wandered among the lost souls. The metal man spoke to a passerby with coins and bills sticking out of his pocket.
"Where can we find the Wizard.?
The pedestrian answered, Take a right onto Indulgence Ave., and go up the hill. You can't miss him."
Trudging up the hill, they soon came to the palace of the wizard. In a rare show of magnanimity, they were  granted an audience with the great and powerful personage of his wizardness. They walked a magnificent red carpet to an enormous throne bright with gold, and curiously, a statue depicting Hades.

They looked in awe and noticed that the wizard had his back turned on a revolving mechanism with it's ancient fittings creaking. Nervously, Dorothy began to speak, but froze in shock and horror at the filth and abhorrence before her. Tendrils of fear threading throughout, every fiber aghast at the monstrous, living nightmare. The scourge of all thinking, feeling beings sat
on the throne. Dick Cheney in the flesh. Blackness enveloped her. A very bad trip. I'll never take drugs again, said Dorothy in the ether between worlds.