Pushed To Desperation

PUSHED TO DESPERATION

My problem started when I was eleven.  My parents separated and we would spend weekends with dad.

The first weekend we were there he came into my room drunk demanding me to take off my clothes.  When I said I didn’t want to he punched me in the face and told me to do as I was told.  I started crying then he ripped off my clothes and raped me.

To get me to cooperate every other time he would threaten to do the same with Casey if I didn’t do what he told me to.  I couldn’t let him do that she was just eight years old, still a baby.

During the second year  he started making up excuses to lock me in the basement. Things like not washing up in time or if I got in a second later than usual, as if it gave him great pleasure for me to be locked in there.

At this time I didn’t suspect that he may have stopped raping me and started on Casey instead until he totally stopped and he never bothered with me again.

I confronted Casey and asked if dad did anything with her at night and she said “No just a bedtime story” so I assumed stupidly that if something was going on Casey would tell me, we were always really close.

Casey would cry herself to sleep most nights and she wouldn’t tell me what was upsetting her so much.  She also started being moody and playing up, bullying at school.  If only I could see then what was so very clear now.  I should have protected her sooner, that’s what big sisters are for after all.

Before too long the basement was basically my bedroom.  How could I be so stupid to think that he had simply stopped just like that?

I caught him in the act five months later.  I wasn’t very well so I stayed with mum until Saturday night.

“I feel a little better now mum, would you mind if I went to dad’s now?” “Okay if you want to go I’ll drive you” “No it’s fine mum I can walk, the fresh air will do me good.  Anyway it’s only three streets away” “Okay love I’ll see you tomorrow, enjoy yourself.  Here’s your keys” “Thanks mum I love you” she puts her arms round her “Hey what’s all this about Sarah - what is it?” “Nothing I’m fine, just had a soppy moment that’s all.” “Sweetheart you don’t have to go to your dad’s this weekend.” “I know mum, I just need to I’m sorry.  Don’t tell dad I’m coming - I’ll surprise him” I said with tears falling down my cheeks.  I needed her to know that I loved her no matter what was going to happen with dad.  This would break mum if she knew what was happening when she was no longer around, she would blame herself.  I promised myself that if he was touching Casey I would kill him without question.

When I got there the house was in darkness.  I crept in the front door, I heard squeaking, I raced upstairs to find that he was on top of Casey.  She was crying.
“What the hell are you doing here?!” “You dirty son of a bitch!” I said disgusted at him.  I brought a knife in case I would need it for protection” “Who the hell do you think you are you little bitch!” “Nobody as long as you’re here you perverted bastard!” he gets up and punches me then I stick the knife in his stomach as my eyes fill with tears.  This isn’t guilt or regret, it’s simply relief.  We are actually free of him.

I put my arms round Casey to comfort her.  I told her everything’s going to be okay then I take her to my bedroom and tell her to stay there until I come for her.

I get the wheelbarrow from the garden, I sit and think for a few minutes ‘thankfully he’s really thin making it a bit easier to lift him into the wheelbarrow so I can take him to the garage where an extension is being built onto the side of the house,  I can hide him in the hole that’s there and cover him in cement.  Nobody will find him there.  By the time anyone comes in to carry on working on the extension the cement will be dry, so they’ll be building on top of  him without knowing.”

While I take him to the garage he wakes and asks me to help him “Please Sarah help me, phone an ambulance please?” he begs “You really think I want to help you?  You have scarred us for life.  You weren’t happy just destroying my life were you dad? You had to destroy Casey’s too, well that’s where you went wrong -  I’d accepted it for me but not for her, I’m not going to let you hurt her anymore.  This is where you pay for what you did to us -  Goodbye dad!” then I threw him into the hole from the wheelbarrow and covered him in cement.

I went back to Casey “Where’s dad?” “We had an argument and he stormed off, we’ll have to go back to mum’s now sweetheart, just get a few things ready to take home babe “But he was bleeding…” “That wasn’t as bad as it looked, it was just a graze don’t worry about it everything’s fine. “Okay” said Casey naively believing everything I told her.  There was no use her knowing what happened, she shouldn’t have to carry that burden too.