To take a step into silence

The key to change is to let go of fear. She remembered reading the words on a proverb calendar somewhere and as she sat at her pine desk, the words reverberated around her head once more. If only she could let go of the fear that possessed her. The room about her is cold and goose bumps rise along her exposed arms. The window is open and a chilled October breeze stirs the curtains. She should be at college today but she called in sick and had stayed in bed with the duvet pulled up above her head until midday. But now, she sits, silent and still, trying to clear her head from all the arguments within.

She clasps her hands together, sets her forehead on the table and places her hands on her auburn, tangled mess of hair. There is a sense of despair that has been hanging over for weeks now. She opens her clear blue eyes against the wood grain, imagining instead that the whorls in the desk is the Milky Way and she, an astronaut, is far away, alone with no decisions to make. She closes her eyes once more, the image still seared in her minds eye. There is silence within her head as she gazes about at the stars glittering before her. If only it were the truth.

About her, instead, is the clutter of everyday life, the noise of living. Outside her door, her mother is hovering the corridor and above her, comes the thumping bass line of something her sister is listening to. But here, in her nest of quiet, there is only discomfort and irregular breathing. Her back and shoulders are tense, aching with her uncertainty.

She lifts her face from the desk and stares ahead at the mauve walls. Her heart knows what she must do. She feels sick when she thinks back to how she had ended up in this situation. Why had she said yes in the first place? And now, she can never go back. It would never be the same. She would never be the same.

Finally, after a week of composure and straight faces, she starts to cry. Hot tears speed down her cheeks and drip to the table beneath her. Once she starts, she cannot stop and she bites down onto her fingers to stop her sobs from escaping aloud. She is scared. Her whole future, planned, eloquent and laid out before her, is unfolding steadily like a ball of wool, teased to the ground by gravity. But, as her hand slides down to her still flat belly, she knows she has to be strong. She can do it. She can do anything she wanted. But she can’t let this life slip through her fingers. The fear leaves her, its chilly fingers releasing as if summer has come again.

Her breathing steadies, she feels her shoulders pull back in determination and a smile creeps back across her face. She places her hands upon the desk and pushes up from her chair. Tucking back her hair and wiping her eyes, she leaves to tell her mother of her decision.