she's loving him still

Maybe she meant something to him , but he never cared to show it
Never tried to water her feelings with any drop of warmth
He left her to dry out in the desert of his indifference .. where the only water , was her tears
And she drank enough of her tears that she lost the sensation of their salty taste
& by the time , the painful became rather painless ,
She can handle more of the pain without being so overwhelmed like before
She’s a hard bone now
And they got old  , too old to hurt each other
& too old also to change anything ..
She can’t think of the past , when she’s looking at him now
Pale & weak .. in his bed , waiting and can’t tell if he’ll be alive tomorrow or even the next moment
It’s near .. although it always has been .. but somehow we admit its closeness when we’re old
And even now , she’s doing everything to keep him alive
She still loved him ?! , it’s creepy to think about love in this age , but maybe she did
He looked in her eyes , having a hard time breathing and there was actually a warm reflection in his eyes , his pair of cold glass like she used to call them
“ you know Rose , I really did love you always ! “
She froze and searched his face .. what is it ? is it death speaking ?
Why now ? why when there’s nothing to give and nothing to take !
“ Hushsh “
“ no , you have to know that , before I .. “
“ before you die , right ? “ and her voice broke
“ and you’re saving it as a confession of your death moment ! , now you can rest in peace and leave me in hell ! , why , why now ?!”
“ Rose , I didn’t mean to hurt you , I .. “
“ NO , no you did ! , and I was ok with it , because I always believed you didn’t love me , and I forgave you arrogance and cruelty , because you did not love me ! , that’s what I said to myself over the years to justify it , but loving me ? , and hurting me like that ! , how selfish , how SICK ! “
“ Rose , I’m dying , I wish I could .. “
“ just burn in hell ! “ and she turned her head away  with tears wetting her face
“ Rose , my dear little thing , I don’t expect you to forgive me , I don’t forgive me !
But I know this , if they ever let me in heaven , it would be because I happened to breathe one breath of your sweet air
Because you’d once touched me and blessed my rotten soul ,
Because you were my woman !
I never knew how to show it , I never learned how to love anybody , I am a dead soul , and instead of keeping your love , I planted hate in your loving soul , I’ll never ever forgive me for it ! “
“ I never hated you ! “
“ I always wondered why ? are you a lost angel ? , unfortunate falling star ? why ? why still giving me ?”
“ rest in peace , old man , cause you’ll never know ! “
And she kissed him on his forehead , as if it was the end of a prayer
And he cried , maybe for the first and last time in their long journey together
And then slowly he faded away ,  clinging to her hands
And she smiled between her tears , he never thought he would die like this ,
He always imagined he’ll end up killed with a gunshot , never occurred to him that he’ll die with tears of regret in his eyes , and his hands childishly in hers
The arrogant bastard ! it was beyond his ego !
But she‘s loving him still !

31/5/2010