Paper Cuts

There aren't that many ways to die I thought. I mean if you think of almost every conceivable way in which a human being can die you would probably only end up with a few thousand different ways. I usually don't think of stuff like this but the other week someone I knew committed suicide and he left a note behind that he sent to me in which he wrote this:

"I'm not sure I can put into words how I feel, I mean if I tried to describe how I felt in words there wouldn't be any because I really can't feel anything. It's not that I've been this way forever it's just that for the past nine months I've felt so detached from life and so emotionally numb to everything I see and experience that it doesn't feel like I'm alive.

I mean except for the fact that my heart is beating and my lungs can still capture oxygen I don't feel like I'm alive. I can't feel anything, no pain, no joy, no anger, no sadness, no hate, no frustration. The most disturbing thing is I'm incapable of even feeling any sort of emptiness and it seems the only thing I have any remote tangible connection to is this strange sense of nothingness.

In fact it's the nothingness that lets me know that I'm actually alive, that I really exist! It's almost surreal but being that it's the only mild connection I have to existence, it puts me at peace. But the more I focus in on it, the more I absorb it in and let it bleed into me, I've begun to realize that it no longer makes me peaceful. In fact now it makes me feel even less alive then before and I don't think I've ever felt this dead in my life.

That's why I've naturally thought about dying to cease this unnatural sense of nothingness that has left me virtually dead inside already. In fact now I've come to the realization that I can feel something besides the nothingness, I feel dead and I've been morbidly thinking of dying as a way to put an end to all of this.

When people are dead they no longer exist, there gone, but I'm alive in the physical sense and yet I feel the most acute sense of lifelessness inside. The deadest most unnatural sense of being alive imaginable. I've tried hard to go on but I can't continue to exist in this zombie like state any longer. I've been spending a great deal of time thinking about the various ways in which I can end my life or more importantly how I would like it to end.

I've thought of dying trying to save someones life, but that opportunity rarely presents itself. More then anything I've thought of dying in a way that will bring me at least a seconds worth of confirmation that I'm alive.