Cold as Ice

"Cold as Ice"

I once read a book called Cold as Ice. Funny how fitting that title is compare to my life right now. I'm not exactly sure how it came to be...or maybe I am and just haven't made that discovery yet. I cannot be sure. All I know is that everything is not as it should be. Maybe that's the problem. Somewhere along the way I've lost touch with who I am. Or, more importantly, who I should be.
For now, mostly all I feel is cold. Numb. It's a new year and, because I feel there are so many demons fighting against my soul, I have been too overwhelmed to come up with any new life-altering resolutions. Yet, the dissatisfaction within me will not let me go.

My life, as it stands, is empty. I keep thinking of ways to try to change it, but I continue to come up short with answers. I have no clue where to begin. If only I could find myself happy again, what makes me come alive, then maybe I could feel happiness again. Or maybe happiness is asking for too much.

All I want is peace. An inner peace of mind, peace of heart would suffice. To know I've made the right decisions and done all I possibly could. Seems a far stretch from where I'm sitting now, but not entirely impossible. Just somehow... unreachable.
I'm not an idiot. I know that in order to reach the unattainable, you have to reach for the sky and steal the stars. Put simply, serious changes are necessary. But there's my problem. Change scares the hell out of me now. I used to love change, thrived on it. Down to the smallest thing, such as re-arranging my room a dozen times a year just to see a difference.

And then suddenly, I'm deployed. Fifteen months of non-existent change. Every day was the same. The same food. The same route to work back and forth. The same faces. Even the scenery was the same boring, depressing sand color every day. I longed for colors, to hear waves crashing against the shore on a beach, to experience nature at its most beautiful during a thunderstorm. I burned for the privacy of my own home, to relax in my own pajamas instead of military issued clothing day in and day out. I felt as if I was losing a part of myself, drowning in a timeless, changeless pool of nothingness.

The only thing that had remained consistent in my life was my boyfriend (who is now my husband), and even he eventually became someone different to me, unknown to my heart. Oh no, not at first. In the beginning everything was still as it should be. But somewhere along the way we drifted apart, grew into two entirely different people. At least, this happened in my mind.
While I was busy trying to figure out where we were going and plan our future together, he avoided the topic as much as possible. The brief "computer" conversations we shared on yahoo chat mostly consisted of 1) being disconnected from the server due to a ridicuously large amount of users online at the same time and re-logging back on a zillion times a minute, 2) arguing because I began to feel disconnected from him for the lack of communication, partly from the horrible service and partly because I felt he was shutting me out, and 3) him asking me the color of my panties or begging me to send him naked pictures on a daily basis. Which, at first, was cute and made me laugh and feel all warm inside, but then it began to turn into uncertainty... over our relationship as a whole, over his true feelings for me, over everything.

That crazy person who hides deep within us reared its ugly head and I fell victim to its vicious worries. I began to wonder if our entire relationship had been based on sex. Certainly, it was founded on it. To put it simply, we weren't exactly friends before we hit the sack. At the time it'd been exactly what I'd needed, but, without warning my feelings for him grew stronger. Our story is a hardship on its own because nothing has ever happened in the appropriate order it should. Which is why I believe my bad luck has always remained faithful to me.

Once I had realized my mistake - falling in love with him - his ex-girlriend was back in the picture and before I knew it... bam...heartbreak. The insecurity I'd struggled with growing up came back full force which brings me back full circle. When I look back on our relationship and recall all of the things which remained consistent, insecurity was almost always at the heart of it.