To the Men of 2009

22 years
Still coming to terms
Can't seem to accept it
That men save me not
Damn me yet
Inflict the greatest harm
Deepest wounds and
ugliest scars
at their hands
yet with desperation
I still cling
hoping against hope that
one
will be different. That
one
will not harm me so.
In the end,
all do.

Began with a
father's abandonment
He won't see it that way.
But when family
needed him most
He was
gone.
The builder
destroyed,
The fixer
harmed.
Left the first set of
scars.
Jealousy.
That's what I feel,
when I see other
fathers and daughters.

Thought first love would
heal.
And it did.
For a time.
Laughed again, didn't cry anymore.
Felt whole again.
Shattered pieces came back together anew.
Then the cracks reappeared.
Jealousy.
Manipulation.
Control.
Name calling.
Where was his laughter?
His healing touch?
Could one who healed also poison?
Now when I feel love again,
I'm scared.
Scared to be controlled.
Scared to feel guilty.
I run.  Don't open up anymore.

Bounce from man to man.
Never showing self,
Get to know him.
Get attached.
He doesn't know me.
Not really.
He leaves.
Duty calls, yet hope when he's back,
We'll pick up where we left.
But he's found someone else.
I'm happy for him,
but mourn my loss.

Another boy.
Just one night.
I know and accept.

Another boy.
Think he might stay a while.
Want more.
He gives a second night,
but ignores me for another.

I move on.
Slightly bitter.
Make a new friend.
He's different.  Makes me laugh.
Says he's cynical, but I don't believe him.
I know he only wants friendship.
Maybe more.
I don't open my heart to him.
I talk. Share.
Nothing substantial.
He shares, same guarded words.
I know its superficial at best,
but maybe he'll stay a while?
Bell tolls, a New Year.
He's gone.  Just like the others.
I should have listened.
Should have believed what he said.
I opened just a little and was broken,
again.