The Backyard Story

Do you know little Mike? No?! He's my best friend. Well... he used to be. Why did our friendship break out? I don't know, it's hard to say. Anyway, me doesn't matter now. It's him, whose life is interesting. How does it go? Well, it goes like that...
Little Mike is seventeen years old. He's a student of a first class in a secondary school. He should be right now in a second class, but he failed one class in the primary school, so he had to attend it twice. Ok, but let's get back to the subject, which is Mike's life today. So, our hero, apart from being a high school pupil is a... how to say... well, he isn't employed anywhere. He's got his own business. The problem is he ain't registered in any city office as a company and he doesn't pay taxes neither. He's working in a black market, let's say. Anyway, he's a young, prospectous businessman, who's just beginning to boost his career. Yeah, I know, you'd probably say: 'Something funny is going on.' Yep, you're right.
So, what's little Mike's trade? He's a dealer, we may say. But he's not selling second-hand cars imported from behind our west border. He's selling... drugs. The chronic to be incisive. To whom? Well, mainly to his schoolmates. Where does he get the stuff from and how can he afford buying it? He get's his pocket money form his mom, then buys for it a few pieces of a chronic from some elder businessmen. Then he goes to the school to attend lessons and provide some advertisements. Underground commecials you may say. After that he finds clients and makes a deal. A good deal, because when little Mike first time started to deal, he hadn't had enough money to buy the chronic, so he took a credit and managed to return the whole sum back, while still making some profit - you know, the salary was bigger than the credit, so he earned some cash, which he then invested to buy a new stuff. Anyway, the profit wasn't big enough to realise his big plans, so he took another credit, bigger than the first one, to get a greater amount of the chronic.
Does little Mike smoke the chronic? Maybe not, because, as I said, he sells all the stuff to his clients. No, he does smoke. Yep, his friends and clients allow him to smoke roaches, which they've just bought from him, with them.

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Ok, now let's abandon little Mike's story for a while. I am going now to tell you a fable about a chap who... likes to travel by a tram. Here we go.
Our nice friend was coming at 11 P.M. to his flat in Bronowice. He had sat in the back of the tram, which was empty. I mean, he was the only one commuter. It was completely dark outside, only stars on the sky and the lights of the city were shining. The Chap was sitting comfortably on his seat, next to the window. Feeling a little bit tired, he was in a need of some entertainment. 'Alas! What to do?' - he said to himself - 'What a crap. There are four tram stops ahead of me, while I'm already dying out of a boredom.' Fortunatelly, he retrieved in his memory that he has some gift from his homie. So, he opened his rucksack and grapped out a special package. What it was? It was 'a pack of twenty-five hallucynian mushrooms!!!' - he cried out with an ecstasy. Now, realising what he was holding he was in hysterics, completely in stitches. Not hesitating any moment, he ate all the twenty-five hallucynian mushrooms, but... nothing happened. What's more, he retrieved in his memory that he had stolen the mushrooms, not received, from his pal Nick. And what's more dangerous, possesing hallucynian mushrooms is illegal, so the police can pursue him! 'Alas! I nicked the illegal mushrooms from Nick, whose nickname is Killer, so the police is going to nick me and take me to the nick!!! What a mess!' No, no, I'm just playing readers, he didn't steal the package, it was a gift, and his friend's name isn't Nick.
Our chap was sitting in a slowly moving tram, having some philosophical thoughts about why the English civil courts considering administrative cases are inappriopriate and why the Polish special administrative courts are appriopriate. He was also convincing himself that English idea that the jury, not the judge, gives the verdict, while the judge only passes the sentence, is completely dreadful, a total crap, while the Polish system which allows the judge to give both the verdict and the sentence is gorgeous, when the city cab increased its speed and started moving fast as Speedy Gonsales. What is more, suddenly, instead of a tram junction, there appeared a great deep lake! 'What is going on?' - he cried out - 'Is it Scotland now and this is the Loch Ness? Oh no, I am starting to hear the Scottish pipes now! I can't stand this noise. It's so loud. It's gonna blow my ears!!!' Suddenly the sound of pipes disappeared. Our chap got reliefed, but not for a long time, because the tram got into the lake...
...Helpfully, all the windows were closed, because in the other case, the whole vehicle would be full in water. Our chap had almost a heart attack, he was so scared of the depths of the lake. It was deeply dark, utterly overshadowed. Suddenly he saw some big object shining in the distance. It was moving to the window and finally came so close that he could differenciate it from the darkness. It was... a huge golden fish. It started knocking in the window with it's tail and speaking:

-Willie, Willie, open the window - the voice was quite quiet, oh sorry, quite muted, because the windows were closed - I want to talk to thou
-How do you know my name? - asked our chap
-Not only thy name. I know everything about thou. I know thou since thy cradle - answered the golden fish
-But I can't reckon you in my memory
-Thou are not able to do that, because I have been always observing thou being hidden, not allowing thou to see me. I know everything about thy life, but thou do not know anything about me. I am thy protector, thy reedemer. But, I cannot interfere to thy life in simple situations. Thou have to live on thy own. This is the way the life is. But this time we have met, because thy life is in danger. I came to warn thou. So please, open the window and let me in
-But, if I open the window the water will get in and I will sink inside this hell's tram - Willie replied
-Do not thou be ever scared or worried when I am by thy side. I will jump inside before the water gets in - answered the golden fish
-But you will die without water!
-I did say do not thou be ever scarred or worried when I am by thy side, did not I? Trust me, babe! I can live without the water and move on the dry surface for an hour. Now please, open the window.
-Ok, you have now convinced me.

Willie opened the window, the golden fish got inside with hardly any drop of water getting inside and Willie closed the window.

-Now, let's dance my friend - the golden fish said
-What? - Willie couldn't believe in what he have just heard
-Shall we dance?
-It's ridicullous, dancing with a fish
-Is it more ridicullous than all those miracles you have just seen?
-Well, no - Willie had to agree with the golden fish - But what for? We are supposed to have a conversation, aren't we?
-Yes, but... Oh, come on, thou read 'Zorba the Greek' by Nikos Kazantzakis?
-No, I didn't
-Well, the main character, Zorba, explains in the book that the best way to speak to a foreigner is to dance. Just to dance. Without any talking. He gives an example, as he was trying to speak to some Russian, but he didn't know the Russian language. So, after lots of conversations and after trying to show the meaning by hands and other body parts movements, which both ended as failures, he started dancing. The Russian quickly understood what he wanted to say and then also started dancing. Zorba of course understood him fully.
-Wow, that's great, I didn't know about that method. But we use the same language, so what do we need a dance for?
-Because, even though I am much more inteligent than thou, I belong to the world of animals, while thou to the world of humans, so we, in spite of the fact we both speak Polish, are not able to speak concisetevelly, while I really have to give thou a precised message. The only way to do that is to dance.
So Willie and the golden fish started dancing. In the beginning our pal was too shy to hold his speaker, so they were dancing alone in turns. Willie first was dancing some disco and latino dance. After that his great protector was doing some Hip-Hop and electro-boogie dance. Then Willie started to perform the metalheads' dance, containing jumping and headbagging. Then the fish turned into... the breakdance, and I can say she was absolutely awesome in her craft: she was able to do some acrobatics like backflips, somersaults and cartwheels. She could also do some power movements and a head spin.
After all of that Willie got more self-confident and started to do some more traditional dances in pair with the golden fish. So they were dancing the polonaise, the waltz, then the quickstep ( foxtrot ), jive, salsa and finally the folk dance called oberek. I guess they had a really good fun. What about the music, where was the beat, you may ask. Well, there was the music all the time they were dancing. It was coming from the loud-speakers inside the tram - the driver probably had been playing some CD's for them. Of course the music was all the time appriopriate to what they were dancing.
After all the golden fish asked Willie:

-So, my young scholar, did thou finally understand my message?
-Yes, my master - answered Willie - Now I know that I am the chosen one from the whole Polish society to save our country and nation from the phantom menace which is overhelming us. I was chosen in the same way as King Arthur, Asterix and Obelix, Kajko and Kokosz, Batman, Spiderman, Mr. Bean and Paris Hilton were. I am the only one true witness of Carl Marx and Friedrich Engels teachings and, of course, of Lenin's ideology. It's nobody but me who can ressurect communism, which is the only hope against the evil which the phantom menace is symptom of. And I am the only one descent in the direct line of Joseph Stalin. I am the only one person who can save the world form the conspiracy of the capitalistic businessmen, cyclists, politicians, carpenters and nudists!
-Well done. Yes, my son, thou are absolutely right. Thou have fully understood my message. They want to kill us. And of course their first and the most important target is Poland, but do thou know how do they want to destroy our country and then the whole earth?
-Well, they're going to use some vacuum cleaner
-Oh, thou are not very precise here. They are going to use the great vacuum cleaner, which they have constructed last recently. That machine is the most powerful weapon ever made. It will suck our country in into the vacuum and then no one will be able to get back from there.
-Oh no! - cried Willie - Alas! What will happen to us now?
-Yes, my scholar. Beware the great vacuum cleaner which is painted the flag of the Ostrogoths on. As you know the whole damned conspiracy is led by Ostrogoths
-But how can I save the world from the conspiracy?
-Use thy powers of the chosen one. Use thy powers
-But how?
-If thou believe in them, thou can use them. Remember, thou got the mission!
-But how can I...

Unfortunatelly the golden fish didn't answered Willie's question, because it had disappeared suddenly. Willie was very sad at that fact. He sat down on a seat and started thinking whether he can bare is duty or not. As he was dreaming deeply in consciousness the tram was slowly moving in the bottom of the lake. Suddenly someone sat on a seat next to him.

-Who are you? - asked Willie
-I am a fallen woman - the stranger said
-Oh, I see it from your outfit. What do you want?
-I was sent by my pagan Sumerian goddess of licentiousness. In Babylon, where I come from, was a sacral prostitution led in the glory of my goddess... Now, I want to make love with you. Of course the psychical love, because the platonic love doesn't exist. The platonic love is a cliche, a fake stuff and nobody believes in it except some stupid romantic poets and other losers... Now, let's get to the business...
-No!!! Go away from me! Don't touch me!
-How come?
-I said no!. I can't let my body loose, because I am on a mission, which is more important than some stupid hedonistic joy!
-What nonsense are you talking about?
-I am on a mission to save Poland and the rest of the world from the conspiracy led by Ostrogoths and the great vacuum cleaner. Beware the great vacuum cleaner!!!
-Oh man, you are raving!
-Go away from me, don't you dare to interrupt me in my mission. To fullfill my duty I have to remain ascetic. I have to resign from the joy of the world. The mission! Nothing but the mission. The mission is most important.
-Your mission will end as a failure. The world has already died, to be honest, long time ago. And Poland... who cares about Poland? Nobody. Not even Polish people.

'It's the same case which happened in the Garden of Eden' - Willie thought to himself - 'She, as a typical woman, is corrupted by the snake, because she ate the apple from the wrong three. That's why I must stay in the conspiracy and can't let her know that our greatest friend who cares about us is the Soviet Union. No, but I've got a cunning ploy! I will tel her the name of our second best friend'

-Americans do care! - Willie yielded
-Are you slightly unhinged? Did you go doolally? Or maybe you are a bonkers, a comedian, aren't you? - the fallen woman replied
-Enough! You've just forced me to tell the truth - Willie spoiled the conspiracy - Prepare for this. Listen: I am the chosen one. I am the only one descent in the direct line of Joseph Stalin. Only I can bring communism back and ressurect the Soviet Union, the greatest friend of Poland. Only communism will destroy the Great Vacuum Cleaner. Now, go away!

The fallen woman disappeared. Now, Willie could finally rest and return to his thought about the great duty which lies upon his shoulder. Yes, the duty was breathing down his neck. Suddenly, he noticed someone was sitting on the seat next to him. The stranger asked:

-Hey geezer, could you give me some woe? - it was a teenager with a t-shirt of Arsenal London
-What? - asked Willie
-Some woe? - said the teenager
-What the woe is?
-Where are you come from that you don't know such a popular world? America? Are you a Yankee?
-No, I come from Poland
-Oh I reckon. It's a city in the South Ireland.
-Well, no it's...
-Oh no, I remember now, it's a county near Slovakia. Anyway, woe means water
-I'm sorry, but I don't have any bottle of water
-So maybe you can lend me a tenner or at least a fiver, so I could buy a one bottle myself? Come on, I need some woe, I'm hammered. I've been drinking on a celebration of a victory of Arsenal under Chelsea, so I'm totally wasted.
-What is a tenner. Or fiver?
-A ten quids... or five quids
-What is a quid?
-A pound?
-Ah, so you are from England?
-From London to be precise - said the teenager - Don't you see from my t-shirt that I'm the Arsenal supporter, do you?
-Well, I'm not a soccer fan...
-I knew that you are similar to those stupid Yankees... Footbal, my geezer
-Whatever... I can lend you some money, but not pounds. Here you are, five PLN Does it suit your need?
-It may be. Ta!
-What is ta?
-Nevermind. By the way, do you know some cokcney rhyming slang words?
-No, I don't
-So, we can invent some phrases. Wait a second... Ok , I got it. What it is: a dog and a cat ( a note from the insane author of the story: this and the other conkcney rhyming slang words below do not exist )?
-I don't know - said Willie
-A baseball bat. Have another chance. A villa and a mansion?
-I don't know neither?
-A retirement pension. Ok, so maybe this. A thunder and a wave?
-I have absolutely no idea
-A grave. So, have a last chance. A stupid nation to abandon and abolish?
-I give up
-Polish.Ha ha ha ha!
-I'm gonna kill you, you bastard! - yielded Willie and stood up. Unfortunatelly he couldn't turn his declarations into an embodiment, because the Londoner suddenly disappeared. Willie, upset and resigned, sat comfortably on a seat. He felt his eyelids were getting heavier and heavier. Suddenly they got closed and all Willie could see was a darkness. The last thing he could consciously recognise was the fact the tram was still slowly moving. Willie went asleep.

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-Get up! I said get up, you punk. This is the end of the journey... What a junk, get up you filthy punk!

'What is going on' - Willie said to himself - 'Who is that guy standing above me. What will happen to my mission? Oh no, my mission is in danger. Isn't it too late to save the world?'

-I said get up and get out from my tram

'That must be the tram driver. So, we must had got out of the lake... What? Which lake? Where is the pack of the mushrooms? Oh no, I ate them all!'

-Will you get up or do I have to call the police? - the tram driver was still shouting
-No sir, I am sorry, I got asleep for a while, because I am very tired after my work in the evening
-Yeah? So you have to turn into nine to five. Now get out

As Willie was getting outside the tram he realised it was still a night and the stars were shining

'Never ever I will eat any hallucynation mushrooms or take any drugs' - Willie said to himself - ' I promise. I swear. I do not want to see things anymore'

-Goodbye sir - Willie said to the tram driver

-Farewell - said the driver - Punk - the driver said quietly that Willie couldn't hear that

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Let's get back to the little Mike's story.
Little Mike has a close friend. His name is Bart. Bart is twenty-one and he is studying an applied psychology. But describing Bart is all in vain, because the best description of him are his own words. So, let him do the job.

-Marty, I have to confess something to you - Bart said while they were sitting on a bench in a backyard
-Go ahead, dude - said Marty, who is Bart's one of the best friends. They know each other from the cradle
-Ok, but you must forgive me for my explicit language. I won't mince my words
-Yep
-You know, when I was in the secondary school I started reading books, literature I mean. Drama, prose and poetry. I got really involved in it. Every evening I used to sit on a sofa and read a book. I was reading circa four books per month. Sometimes more. I mean the prose of course, because when we are considering drama and poetry, I could read many more books, so about seven per month.
-Go on
-I guess the literature became a part of my life. But it had two sides. I started confusing fiction with reality. I was invo... - Bart didn't finish his sentence
-Wow, wow, wait... wait... You're getting too wordy and elaborate - said Marty - Could you give your speech in a one sentence? Just one sentence
-Yeah, sure
-Ok, so go ahead. But remember - just one sentence
-I was attending the secondary school number two in Cracow and although I was in a class with biologistic and chemistric specialisation, I got really involved in the literature, probably because of my teacher of Polish language, who was really, well, sometimes over-protective, but definitelly into that she was doing, in other words she was a real scholar of Mikołaj Rey, you know, that writer who wrote the first piece of literature in Polish, and of course she didn't know him, but you know, it's just a metaphore, so anyway she introduced me into the wonderful world of poets, dramatists and prosaists, what caused a metamorphose within me, because I changed from a semi-illiterate person, who I had been before, into a demigod born from the pure genius of Adam Mickiewicz, the greatest Polish poet and prophet, let the Lituanian fields of Nowogródek be blessed, the same way as the goddess Athen was born from the mind of the god Zeus, and that is why I became a wanderer who is travelling, oh, by the way, do you know the difference between travelling in the enlightement epoch and in the romanticism, my friend, which is very easy to explain, because in the enlightement poeple were travelling to see some beautiful lands, while in the next epoch the journey was just a pretext to get inside the travellers' own spirits, so that's why it was called an initational journey and those wanderers were called pilgrims, but not of that kind who go to sacred lands, no way, these romanticists had no religious purposes, they were seeking their home, but as one of the greatest Polish poets and writers, Cyprian Kamil Norwid said, he doesn't have a home so his home is the whole earth, and the whole world belongs to him, and this is the way how pilgrims live, come on, you understand me, dude, don't you, no, you definitely do, you have also read lots of books, ok I won't be humble now, but maybe not so many as me, but you are an intellectualist, you are bright and smart, tolerant too, definitelly not comptentous, so you understand how important the literature became to me, how I started to live it, breathe it and love it, how I couldn't differenciate Lord Byron's thoughts and attitudes which he presented in 'Giaur', because in this kind of poetic novel, to which 'Giaur' belongs, a main character is connected very much with an author, from mine, and you understand how much I got confused and lost beetwen two worlds, but I never hesitated to read literature, no, never, because my Polish language teacher was doing nothing, but boosting my appetite for fiction, so I was delighted, overjoyed and happy, but one day the secondary school ended and I became an outcast of the literature, you know, and I felt like all those artists had ostricised me and torn me outside their law of books, so now I am an outlaw.
-What? What was that? - asked Marty being utterly astonished - I can't believe it was a one sentence
-Well, it wasn't the longest sentence at all - Bart came with explanations - In 'Ulysses' by James Joyce the final sentence ending book in Polish edition lasts for sixty-one pages...
-...And you think the fact you read 'Ulysses' made you a better person...
-...I was thinking so. Alas! instead of helping me to become a great humanist it turned my life into a hell on earth. 'Ulysses' doesn't make you a better person...
-Who's Ulysses?

It was little Mike who interrupted Bart's confession. He has just come back from his school ( or job, we may say ), entered the backyard and stood near the bench Bart and Marty were sitting on
-Who's Ulysses?! Is it some Cracovia supporter?!!! - Mike yielded with anger
-No, 'Ulysses' is the name of a book by James Joyce - explained Bart - Ulysses is the roman name of a Greek mithological hero Odysseus...
-Good, because I hate Cracovia. I wish death to Cracovia. God bless Wisła... Oh, James Joyce you say? I know that guy
-Really?- exclaimed both Bart and Marty in amazement
-Yeah. He's a dude who is one of the members of a jury in 'You can dance'
-No! - Bart cried out - He was a famous Irish Writer
-You say so? - little Mike said
-Yeah. Anyway - Bart ignored Mike and returned to his conversation with Marty - 'Ulysses' belongs to the same kind of psychological books as 'The Trial' by Franz Kafka and 'Borderline' by Zofia Nałkowska do
-Oh, I reckon Zofia Nałkowska! - shouted little Mike - She was a contestor in 'Pop Idol'

Bart and Marty remained silent and were only slightly shaking their heads with compassion

-No? I must have confused something... Yeah, I know, she was taking part in 'Big Brother!'

From the face of Bart you could read a sorrow, while from Marty's an annoyment. Bart returned to his confession

-Nowadays who cares about higher values?
-Nobody, but everyone want to get higher - Mike added his comment
-Who reads poetry, drama, who even bothers to go to the theatre - Bart was keeping on continuing his speech - Who needs an art to get Katharsis?
-Well, I can sell you such a fine stuff that will help you to get high. That's much better than your Katha-something - Mike interrupted once more
-These days life is worth nothing - said Bart - let me qoute 2Pac: '...and even if I die young, who cares?'
-No, no, no, it doesn't appear true to you - told Mike - You're only misusing one excerpt from 2Pac's song called 'Death around the corner'. That track is about gangs, mobs, mobsters and ghetto. You're misusing this verse
-It doesn't matter - argued Bart - This verse is a golden sentence for me and even out of the context it makes a sense. Anyway, let's get back to the subject. Back in the days I believed in justice. I used to think the government cares and defendes the society's liberty. I was a hundret percent sure political parties want to put a good legislation instead of getting the loot from our taxes. Now I have to cut it out
-C'est la vie - commented Marty
-To me it's fine - intervened Mike - It makes a perfect opportunity to make business. Of course if you're smart enough to survive in this animals wildlife, but to me this habitat is perfect, I can say I feel here like a fish in the water
-Does your attitude make you proud? - asked Bart, feeling something sharp is aching inside his heart
-No, but definitelly richer - said little Mike while grinning his teeth
-No future... - commented Marty
-Stop saying your punk rock slogans, you metalhead monster! - shouted Mike - You know nothing about life
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know everything. You're just seventeen, while I am twenty and I am a University student! - shouted Marty
-Ha ha ha! You think you're somebody, but you're nobody. You don't have a job, you get a pocket money from your parents. I am, despite being a pupil in that stupid school, a businessman. I make money
-Illegally
-It doesn't matter. I am allowed to do that, because I have never been given any other chance. I come from a deprived background in the roughest part of the city, the ghetto. I am living on a street and street raised me...
-That's a lie! - yielded Marty - You were raised and have been living in our backyard, which is in the one of the best parts of Cracow. You were never obliged to go to work. Altough we are all poor, we don't live in a poverty, no way. You make money illegally for your own purposes, which is to have a fun and definitelly not to make a living. And it's you who gets the most pocket money from mom...Yeah, stop shaking your head, you'd better nod just once. Everybody know that your mom had to pay a threehundrets PLN bill for your 'Gadu-Gadu' conversations via a mobile phone!
-Shut up - shouted Mike
-Don't you dare to interrupt me, you yuongster! You think you're an adult, but you're not. You're just a mutinous offspring who lives in the imagined world incorporated from Polish hools movement's pseudo-Hip-Hop. The dream you believe in isn't true, it's fake. Your reality is definitelly different. I don't assume your life is easy. As 2Pac rhymes: 'It ain't easy', but remember what Molesta sing: 'To everyone it's tough, it's not any explanation!' You think you represent the real in your life and words, but you are phony!!!
-Shut up!!! - Mike repeated with a drastically increasing anger
-He's right - intervened Bart who has been remaining silent - Mike, come to your senses. You're very bright, smart and intelligent, althought lazy. Don't waste your talent. Stop bringing sorrow to your family, as you constantly do. Make your mother be proud of you.
-Get out of my sight! - it seems that Marty's and Bart's speeches have only driven little Mike mad - Or not. No. I will go away. I don't want to be a friend with such losers as you two are. Farewell

And he went away...
After a few minutes of a complete silence Bart said:

-I am afraid I have completely lost my faith now
-In the man or in the God? - asked Marty
-In everything. The world has just betrayed me
-Nevermind. I'm going to the bed
-Oh, I didn't know that you have a lover
-No, it was just a slip of the tongue. I'm going to a bed. I'm tired