Find A Way Ch. 3

Three.

I sat in the classroom staring off into space. My pencil tapped back and forth on the desk as I tried to focus on the exam, but my brain wouldn't let me. My concentration was broken and for the first twenty minutes of the test, all I could think about was Connor. The way sat in the corner of my room crying and shaking and apologizing made my heart throb in agony. I mentally slapped myself. There isn't anything I can do to help him right now, I told myself. I had to pay attention. I had to force myself to stop worrying about him. I knew I wasn't going to ace the exam, but I knew I could pass if I could just focus. And I knew how mad he would be at me if I blew this because of him. I let out a deep sigh, and looked back to my paper.

I took each question one at a time. I didn't worry about what time it was, or how much time I had left, or what number I was on, I just kept going. I refused to let my mind wander anymore. When I got to the questions I didn't know, I tried to do them anyway. I did as much as I could, leaving most of them unfinished, but at least I did something. It was very frustrating because the dyscalculia always got worse when I was nervous. My eights were turning into threes, my fives were becoming S's, my seven's were L's...

God dammit motherfucker...

And Mr. Greene's chair scrapped against the tile floor. "Pencil's down," he said. I let out another sigh, partly relieved, partly terrified. I really needed to get at least a B on the exam. I couldn't handle it if I got anything lower... and Connor would fucking kill me.

He had so much confidence in me. He always believed that I could do it. Even when my teachers doubted me, when my parents doubted me, it was Connor who convinced them otherwise. When I came home with my first A on a math test four months ago, I've never seen my mother more shocked in her life. And ever since then, Connor had been a welcome guest in our house. It didn't matter if he was a senior, or how old he was, he was helping their only daughter battle her learning disability.

Battle and conquer it.

The one thing I loved about midterms was that we didn't have regular classes that week. You went to school whenever your test was, and went home when you were done. It was a good system. Today was my math test, first midterm of the semester, the hardest one for me, and it was done and over with. The rest of the week would be easy for me; History, English, Spanish and Biology are all the subjects I can ace with my eyes closed. Well, maybe not literally, but you know what I mean.

Tomorrow was my history exam. I already studied for most of it over the weekend so there wasn't much left for me to memorize. I could go home and focus on Connor. For a little while, at least.

I walked to my locker to get out my coat. I put it on quickly and shut the door. I half ran to the school exit, not wanting to run into anyone to keep me away from him longer than I needed to be. I wondered if he was alright. If he told his mother the truth about what happened. If he was still even home.

His sister had been in and out of the hospital numerous times over the past year, racking up the medical bills. She had missed so much school, it was like she didn't go anymore. I knew Carole couldn't afford to have her son hospitalized too, but she would do anything for them. If he had to go, she would take him.

My house was only a few blocks away from the school so I walked every day. Before everything happened, I would walk with Connor sometimes, and sometimes he would drive just so he could show off his car. It was an older model, but still, having a mustang while still in high school would make you pretty popular.

Every once in awhile, he'd give me a ride. My friends would always look at me shocked when he'd pull up next to us and tell me to get in. And they'd get jealous because there wouldn't be enough room for them too.

I remembered one time, I started walking home in the pouring rain but Connor appeared next to me, driving two miles an hour in his two door black mustang. The passenger side window was rolled down as he called out to me. I smiled widely at him and quickly got in. We drove the five blocks back to our houses. It was very convenient having him live right next door to me. He parked in his driveway, which sat just below our bedroom windows.

The rain was constant, dropping so hard and fast on his wind shield, we couldn't see outside. We sat in his car for twenty minutes talking.

"Shut up! He did not say that!" I asked him, shocked. His friends were such douche bags.

"Yeah, he did. It was pretty bad, she ran out of the room fucking hysterically crying," he said with a laugh.

"Well... she probably deserved it. She is kind of bitch," I said. His friend Greg's girlfriend was the captain of the cheer leading squad. Bianca Lewis was the prettiest girl in our school. Skinny, blond, leggy... and just what the world needed -- another one of those. I didn't know her very well, but whenever I was around Connor, she gave me looks that would kill if they could.

"Kind of?" he asked and eyes me dubiously.  "Yeah, I don't know what Greg sees in her."

I eyed him dubiously, "Oh I don't know. Maybe the smoking hot body, gorgeous face... spreadable legs," I finished in a whisper.

He gave a loud laugh at that. "Probably... but there are a lot more important things than just looks." He looked at me seriously as he said that, and I couldn't help but get lost in his eyes. He snorted and turned his head away, "And sex."

"You don't think sex is important?" I asked him, half joking.

But his face sort of fell and looked dreamily out the wind shield. "It's not that important," He answered quietly. I turned and looked away from him, worried that I made him feel awkward in asking that. But he turned back and looked at me with a smile on his face. I looked up and gave him a nervous smile back.

Something dawned on me at that moment and it was the first time I ever thought about it. Connor was by far the most beautiful boy in our whole school. It didn't make sense. "Connor... why don't you have a girlfriend?"

His smile faded slightly and looked away, as if he was embarrassed, and shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know..." he started casually. "Most of the girls who like me are either really dumb or total skanks. And the girls I like..." He paused momentarily before he finished his answer. "Well, they're a bit out of my league."

My jaw dropped and my eyes popped wide open. I couldn't help myself. I busted out laughing. "Who could possibly be out of your league?!"

Fuck, I said that out loud.

My smile faded as I blushed embarrassed.  He didn't answer my question. He just smiled at me, flattered by my unintentional compliment. We both looked outside again and the rain had finally lightened to a sprinkle. He turned to me. "Well, I gotta get inside now. I'll see you tomorrow though."

I smiled, "Yeah, me too. Thanks for saving me from the rain."

He nodded and we both got out of his car.

I reminisced that day in my head on my way home from my midterm. It made me miss the way we used to talk. We would talk for hours, sometimes about nothing important and other times, we could get into a deep, meaningful conversation without even realizing it. He told me things he didn't tell anyone else, and I did the same. It was almost like we were each others own personal, and free, therapists. It surprised me that someone like him was able to be that way. Such a stereotype for me to judge him like that, but still, he never ceased to amaze me.

I got to the driveway in between our houses and debated on which one to go to first. Should I try knocking on his door, or would his bedroom window be open? And if it was, would be even talk to me? The torture I felt about not knowing drove me insane. All I wanted was to comfort Connor. To make him feel as amazing as he made me feel... when he was actually aware of what he was doing. I needed him to understand that I didn't blame him, and that no matter what, I could never hate him.

I sighed and figured it would be safest to try the window. If I did try the door, he may not be up to answer. I ran inside my house and up the stairs to my bedroom. I threw my coat on my desk chair and eyed my window carefully. I prayed his would be open. I glanced outside and relief filled my insides when I saw it was. I ran to mine and pushed it open immediately. I didn't see Connor, but I could see that his TV was on so I assumed he was lying on his bed.

"Connor?" I called. I saw the blankets at the end of his bed twitch, but no one came into my view. I counted to thirty before I called his name again. My nerves were taking over my stomach. I was afraid this was going to happen. Afraid he would never talk to me again. I could feel the tears begin to swell in my eyes. I called his name one more time.

He must have heard the sobs in my voice because this time, he got up. But he didn't look at me. Instead he picked up his remote and turned the volume on his TV all the way down. He threw the remote back on his bed and walked over to his window. As he got closer, I saw how red his face was. His eyes were swollen and bright pink. He had been crying too.

He lifted his window open and leaned himself against the sill, with his arms shaking as he struggled to hold himself up. He struggled to look at my face. He met my eyes for a split second but averted them after he caught hold. I couldn't stand to see him like this. I hated how much he was tormenting himself.

I looked at him significantly, and the tears I was trying so hard to hold back spilled over. "Can we please talk?" I asked shakily, between the sobs.

He looked down to his hands and just shook his head back and forth. He pressed his lips together and inhaled deeply through his nose. "Skyelar, I can't see you anymore," he said so low I could barely hear him. "We can't be friends."

My hysterics were now uncontrollable. My body trembled when I tried to take a breath to speak again. He looked up at me, sorrowfully.

"Calm down," he begged. "You don't understand... I could hurt you. I can't keep putting you in that situation..." The tears were rolling down his face now, as he tried to push me away. I knew he didn't really want this and he was just trying to protect me. But I couldn't let it happen, I couldn't lose him.

"Connor, please... it doesn't have to be like this..."

"Yes. It does," he said plainly.

I shook my head violently. My heart was beating so hard and so fast, my breath had increased to much, I felt like I was going to faint. I had to do something, I had to fix this...

I got up and ran out of my room. I flew down the stairs, almost tripping over the bottom two. I got to the door and ran outside to Connor's house. I didn't care if it was locked, I had so much adrenaline flowing through me at that moment, I would break it down if I had too. Luckily, it wasn't. I opened it up without even knocking and ran up the stairs to his room.

I opened his bedroom door, went inside and slammed it shut. Connor had fallen back onto his bed with his head hanging low. He looked so weak and so sad, I couldn't help myself. I ran to his side. I sat down next to him and pulled him into a tight hug. He resisted like I thought he would. He tried to pull away, but he didn't really want to.

"Skyelar, stop... please..." He pleaded in anguish.

But I used all the strength I had to force him to stay where he was. I held him tightly, and he was too weak to fight me anymore. He let himself fall into me, embracing my warmth. He cried hard into my shoulder, but didn't lift his arms around me, although I could tell he was fighting the urge to.

"It's okay, Connor. I promise, it's okay," I pleaded. I wanted nothing more than for him to hold me back. To give in to his desire. Now that he was awake, he didn't scare me. I knew the real Connor would never hurt me. I pushed myself up to meet his face and took it in my hands. Wiping his tears away with my fingers, I looked deeply into his eyes. He averted my eyes again. I knew how horribly guilty and disgusting he felt with himself. He didn't understand why I wasn't mad at him, why I wasn't afraid of him. I needed to show him, to prove to him how much I loved him and needed him in my life. My insides twitched with nervousness. I knew he would react badly if I tried... but I had to.

"Connor, I love you..." I said. He cringed at my words and his head shook back and forth.

"You don't know what you're saying..." he argued.

"Yes, I do! Connor, you're my best friend and I love you. I can't lose you. Please, don't do this," I begged.

This only made his face grow redder in anger. I knew it was hard for him to believe, but it's true. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone in my life. But he didn't think it was possible.

"I don't understand how you could love me... after what I did..."

"It wasn't you! I know you, and I know you would never hurt me!" I tried to convince him.

"Skyelar... you shouldn't love me, you deserve better," He maneuvered himself away from me as I tried to pull him back. He shook his head and moved my arms down, "You shouldn't be here," he said with finality.

I shook my head fiercely and grabbed hold of him again. "Connor, there is no one better than you! You're my amazing best friend and I love you..." I told him. I repeated the last three words over and over again until he would listen. He needed to hear them. He needed to know he was loved.

He looked up into my eyes with agony, "Skyelar, please..." he whispered in agony. He shook his head and blinked hard. He tried to pull away from me again, but I held his face in my hands firmly. "This is all wrong..."

I shook my head violently. I needed him to see it wasn't wrong. To know that I felt the same way he did. I took a deep breath to gather my nerves, otherwise I knew I would lose them.

I leaned my face in and pressed my lips to his as hard as I could. His body froze for a split second, fighting the urge to kiss me back, but he put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me away. I fell backwards on the bed and looked at him dubiously.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" he asked incredulously.

My eyes popped wide at his tone as he jumped up from the bed. I sighed and furrowed my eyebrows. "I was trying to show you ... that I'm not scared of you and I do love you..."  I didn't realize he would react like this, but I probably should have.

His eyes remained shocked as he paced his bedroom now, clinging his fingers to his hair again. "Skyelar, we can't do this," he said with terror in his voice. "It's not right, not after what I did..."

I shook my head and the tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. "It wasn't you..." I plead, but he didn't understand.

"How was it not me, Skyelar?! You were there! You saw what I did! I did it to you..." His voice choked up and his hand flew over his mouth. The tears streamed down his face even harder now. I felt the guilt and regret that was brewing inside of him radiating through out the room. It pained me knowing what was causing all of his self hatred. I only wanted to help him not hate himself anymore.

"You're right, I was there. I saw the look in your eyes; the glazed over, hypnotized emptiness. I was there, Connor, you're the one who wasn't!" I argued back. He remained silent except for the sobs seeping out from his covered mouth. I stood up and approached him warily. "Can you honestly tell me you remember what happened?" I asked.

His eyes met mine with fear in them and I knew he knew I was right. He dropped his hand from his mouth and looked at me significantly. "You're right, Skye. I don't remember. Which means I don't now what I'm doing and I can't control myself. Both of those together mean it's not safe for you to be around me anymore."

I blinked hard and stood as still as a statue. A part of me knew he was right, but I didn't want him to be. I felt safe with him being awake and aware, it was when he was asleep that I now knew to be a dangerous time for me, but I didn't know how to explain it to him so he would understand.

I took a deep, excruciating breath because I knew what I had to do now. I had to stop being selfish. I needed to stop thinking about myself and what I needed, and start giving him what he needed. But I didn't know what that was anymore.

I looked at him with compassion once again, and asked, "What do you need?" He eyed me curiously and shook his head. "What do you need me to do, Connor? I want to help you, but I don't know how."

Honesty was all I could give him at this point. He knew I loved him, or he knew I thought I did. Whether he believed I did or not was another story. He knew I didn't want to lose him, he knew I would do anything for him, and I prayed to any deity that would listen, that he knew I would never leave him if he wanted me.

He relaxed his stance the slightest bit and let out a deep sigh. "I need... time," he told me honestly. "I need to figure out what's wrong with me, Skye." I tried so hard to hide the jolt of pain I felt searing through my veins as he asked me exactly what I feared he would. "Please... I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you," he whispered. "I care about you too much, and I don't want to lose you. I promise it won't be forever, I just need some time."

The utter rejection I felt at that moment was the most horrible thing I'd ever felt. And as much as I hated it, as much as I wanted him to be wrong, I knew he was right. I knew this was the only way for him to get better and for me to be safe in the process. I pressed my lips into a tight line as I nodded my head and left his room, holding back the tears swelling in my chest with every ounce of energy I had left.