Guilt (Jamie Carver series)

This chapter is written with the remake of Careless Whisper by Seether in mind. I do not own the lyrics. I found them in the ‘open safe’ and decided to play with them for a while; I promise to return them to their rightful owners as soon as I’ve had my fun. Ryan sometimes speaks Spanish, while Jamie speakss hints of German. Ian was Jamie's first boyfriend and it ended badly. The Pythons is a gang in this series. JCEA is Joint Crime Enforcement Agency. Lines that start against the edge are song lyrics, while the other is actual story text.

                                  GUILT

I feel so unsure
As I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor
As the music dies, something in your eyes
Calls to mind a silver screen and all those sad goodbyes

         Jamie’s thought ran wild as she thought of all the reason telling Ryan the truth was stupid. ‘Number one, Ian. Number two, I love Ry. Number three through five, He’ll kill me, or torture me, or just dump me. Number five is probably the worst.’

I'm never gonna dance again
Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool

         Her resolve faltered as she thought of Ian and of being dumped. She absent mindedly feathered her hand over her chest, just above her breasts. Under her beautiful lavender blouse and skillfully applied makeup, she hid an ugly ten year old scar. ‘I lied to Ian, and got this. Maybe the truth will save me.”

I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste the chance that I'd been given
So I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you

         “Ry? It’s Jam” she asked quietly through the door after she knocked.
         “Come in, love” he responded only a moment after her.
              “Ry, are you alone?” she whispered as she pushed open the door into his office.
              “Sí, amor.”  He replied in Spanish, which is common when is comfortable in his surroundings.
              “Mein liebe, we need to talk.” She replied truthfully in German.
              “Por supuesto, mi amor. What about?” Finally he slipped back into English. She didn’t really want have this conversation in English let alone Spanish.
              “How’s Scott?” she asked to segue into her talk.
              “He’s healing, the shot broke two ribs and punctured his lung, but he’s had worse.”
              “Good, l-let him know, I- I hope his recovery is speedy.” She fumbled to come up with the proper words. She was/ is sorry, but she can give too much away.
              “What’s wrong, pet? Why should I tell him, you can tell him yourself.” He made a move to stand up from his desk chair, but she placed her hand in the air to stop him, she didn’t want his pity, she didn’t want it, nor deserve it.

Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind
Ignorance is kind
And there's no comfort in the truth
Pain is all you'll find

              She knew the time was right. A weight would be lifted from her shoulders once he knew. “Ryan, mein liebe, Ich liebe Sie, but you need to know I am not who you think I am. I won’t be here much longer, once you know the truth. You’ll end this” She waved her hand back and forth to indicate them, “whatever this is.”
              “Jamie Carver?” he questioned quietly almost under his breath.

I'm never gonna dance again
Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool

              “Oh, I am Jamie Carver. Only, my main paycheck is deposited into an offshore account by the federal government.”
              “The Feds! Cristo!” He revered to Spanish, not a good sign, but an expected sign, which meant she was that much closer to either torture or termination. “Tell me this is a joke. Tell me did J or Kyle or even Chris; put you up to this prank?” His eyes were shining with a small flicker of hope that this was a joke.
She hated to smash that flicker, but he needed to understand, she wouldn’t joke about a relationship deal breaker such as this. “No, Ryan! I am a federal agent.”
              “What initials do you work for, then?”
              “JCEA”
              “Now I know you are joking. I’ve never heard of it.”
              “Not surprising, we work undercover but with real cover ids. My rap sheet, you read when you hired me was real, no faking. We spend at least four years; I spent seven, creating an extensive cover id in order to be the best. I joined the Pythons, worked several areas of the drug world, and still have many friends in those orgs even though I put their brothers away, because no one knows I did it. I work computer jobs to get income. My real paycheck I can’t touch till I’m out. LEOs only know use as criminals, which is dangerous, but it sells us all the better.” It was amazing how easily you started spilling when the cork is removed.
              His blue eyes sparkled with tears as he realized the implications of her words, and she knew at that moment she made a huge mistake, but the bell was ringing and she couldn’t stop it, so Ishecontinued. “I fired the gun.” she said out loud. “Ich liebe Sie, and I knew I couldn’t do the kill, even though I was to take Scott out to end your contract negotiations, so I did what I thought would cut me slack on both ends. I wanted to help you guys, so I sighted my gun so it looked tampered with, and aimed for a safer area. I shot, packed, and ran, then I got about a block away, I called 911. I’m the reason he’s breathing and not dead. I’m willing to be your insider in JCEA, if you let me.”

I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste the chance that I'd been given
So I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you

              “Get out. NOW!” his blue eyes began to leak salted water and she wanted to lick them away and tell him everything was going to be alright but it wasn’t, so she shut my mouth.
              “Ich liebe Sie, mein liebe” She hoped my fully German declaration would help, but it didn’t.
              “I said get out! And don’t ever come back, leave the compound, NOW!!!” In order to accent his point, he pulled his Armalite .44 out and aimed at her third eye. “Now, you I’ll kill you."
              All it did was make her leak her own tears out of her almond emerald eyes.

Tonight the music seems so loud
I wish that we could lose the crowd
Maybe it's better this way
We'd hurt each other with the things we want to say

         “I’m sorry, liebe.I do love you, just so you know. I know it doesn’t make my betrayal any less easier to bear, if anything it makes it ten times as hard, and trust me I know.” She turned before he saw how much the truth took from her energy reserve, but it was the truth and hopefully he would see that but for now she left him in his office, alone, with his thoughts and hers.
                   
We could have been so good together
We could have lived this dance forever
But now who's gonna dance with me?
Please stay

         It was raining by the time she reached her sleek black two- door Honda civic. She jumped in, started it, and stepped on the gas as hard as possible and peeled wheels as tears continued to leave tracks on her oval face. She reached sixty MPH in about thirty seconds and just drove. She turned onto I-70 and she sped up just slightly. She weaved in and out, around any car that dared to slow her angered drive. The following turn was about sixty degrees and downgrade, and then everything went blank.

I'm never gonna dance again
Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool

              “Ryan,” she screamed as she awoke from the pain. Her left leg was broken and the bone broke through the skin. The scream took a lot of energy and then she was left struggling to breath, gasping as she cried. Her vision was blackening around the edges and then she knew then that ten years have gone by and nothing has changed. “The more shit fucking changes, the more it’s the same.” She cried to herself before grasping the overwhelming darkness.

I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste the chance that I'd been given
So I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you