Tuesday Afternoon

Tuesday afternoon. The end of another day.

She stood; silent, alone. Laughing children and chattering teens passed her by, solitary adults weaving between the various social cliques, their skin gleaming with a waxy shine that seemed impossibly smooth until telltale droplets of water ran down their bodies.

Sweeping wind cheated the cracks in the windows and the gaps beneath the doors, biting at her skin beneath her clothes. In the midst of this sudden, unexpected cold she felt small and frail, as if all it would take was one more push and her spine would snap, her soul floating away, lost forever in the crowd. Inside her gym socks, her toes trembled with unspoken, irrational fear.

She let her bag slide from her shoulder, dropping to the tiled, damp floor with a thud. Feeling her breath sweep away in the icy wind, she gazed around her. Schoolmates squealed, splashing and pushing at each other. A mother sat patiently on the wall, her legs half immersed with water as she held out her arms, her son struggling to kick towards her. A man stepped slowly out of the water, reaching up with pale hands to run them through his dripping hair. She watched, wordless, as arcs of water swept around his ankles, lapping at his toes and then drifting out to the middle of the pool again. Like the sea, only more mechanical.

She folded her arms, cupping her elbows. Waiting for a tall, loud girl with a cell phone to stalk past, she stepped closer to the pool. Her eyes skimmed the surface and her heart skipped a beat before she forced herself to concentrate.

She tied back her hair and reached down, slipping off her socks. Against the cold tiles her toes felt numb. With long, cold fingers, she pulled off her sweatpants and t-shirt. Coldness ate at her skin, eagerly feeding off the flesh exposed. She breathed in and felt the air lose itself somewhere inside her, unsure of where to go, what to do.

She stepped up to the diving block. Splashes and squeals rang in her ears, and all at once her temples throbbed, her lips quivered, her fingers locked and her legs shook. Suddenly she felt empty, small, meaningless. What was she but a tiny dot, a mere speck in the unimaginable scariness of the big wide world? Where would she go, what would she do? What would she become?

Then she dived.

As her body arced down the water reached up to embrace her, folds of perfect silk forming a caressing envelope. The coldness faded away as she melted into the depths of the pool, pushing her legs hard against the wall and propelling herself forward, away.

She closed her eyes as the rhythm of her breath steadied, her limbs working with alien, unexpected grace that hid her lankiness, pushing her forward. Her ears were plugged with the blissful sound of nothingness, and her lips curved in an unknowing smile.

Slowly, she opened her eyes beneath the water. They stung for a moment and then her vision cleared. Rays of sunlight penetrated the surface of the water, casting golden shadows in the world of blue immersing her. In her own lane, her own world, she couldn’t see the other swimmers; wouldn’t see them even if she wanted to. She knew that despite the splashes, despite the squeals and laughter and endless strokes, she was alone here. Nothing but beautiful emptiness lingered in this world of water.

Her strokes strengthened as she worked herself tirelessly, her arms curving with perfect precision, the movement rippling down her body to a strong and endless kick. The spell of the water enchanted her limbs, blessing them with an angelic perfection no one on Earth would ever see. Her grace was profound.

The smile disappeared as she worked harder, listening to the drum of her heartbeat in her ears. She gripped each individual muscle with loving care, willing them to move with her as she gained complete control over her body.

She felt her fingers skim through water and closed her eyes once more. After the work there always came this moment; the chapter of grey between black and white, terrifying in its vagueness, dooming in its uncertainty. She had gained it all, but she could lose it in a moment.

There was always this part; where she asked herself that scary question. Would it happen this time? Would the blissfulness envelope her, opening the hole to her escape, or would she just keep on kicking until she reached the end? As always her heart skipped a beat, petrified in case today was the day she failed to reach heaven.

But she was going to make it.

She could tell already. It was the seed. That was what she thought of it as; that weightless, electric sensation that rippled just fleetingly through her body, teasing her with excitement. With her eyes still closed she pictured it; the seed that would soon burst into a thousand blooms, carrying her with it, far away.

She clenched her teeth, slightly, before relaxing. With a continued stroke, she allowed the water to take control of her. Her fingers quivered and her heart skipped again, but with elation and not fear.

Slowly, smoothly, the water seemed to change. It felt like each droplet had been woven from a strand of heavenly silk, blessed with nature’s kiss before melting in with the others. It was suddenly weightless, and with one last burst of strength, one last push, she felt it happen.  Her body rippled with the shock and force of it and she knew she wasn’t swimming but gliding. She didn’t have to try anymore; didn’t even have to think about it. Her body simply slid through the folds of water, and slowly, cautiously, her mind unlocked itself.

She was in another world. When she opened her eyes all she saw was light and shapes, smoothed in beneath the water, sweetly simple and yet dizzyingly intricate.

She closed her eyes again. In the stretch of fleeting forever that waited for her, in the magic that weaved itself within her soul, she realized that what she was hearing was not silence. The water whispered to her, embracing her deep in her heart, knowing, comforting, understanding.

And then that noise faded away and in the emptiness that followed she drifted into the furthest realm she had ever visited.  Deep in her subconscious, with her true beauty and grace unlocked and all her fears conquered, she listened hard in the peace of the water and she heard it.

She heard the sound of her own heart singing.

And it was then, in that split second which seemed to glide on forever, melting into enlightening sweetness, she knew. She knew that she was somebody. She knew that no matter what happened, it didn’t matter, because even if she didn’t belong in that world she belonged in a world, and that world was here, and always would be. She couldn’t stay forever, but perhaps that was the sheer beauty of it. She knew that no matter how far she strayed or how much she struggled, the water would always be waiting for her, ready to silence the world and show her her heart again.

She knew.

And before she could forget, she pushed hard and broke for the surface.

The water leapt downwards as she sliced through it to the air. Her pores, open from the water, filled with frozen air that swarmed around her lean body. Her suit clung to her skin, heavy with water. As she waded towards the wall, her feet dragged. She felt hundreds of tiny droplets run down her arms and legs, leaving her for the water once more. She wished they would stay with her forever, like miniscule guardian angels.

She forced herself over the wall, struggling. Her body was no longer under her command and she was once more the lanky form she had been before her plunge. She closed her eyes and swung her foot over the wall, finally planting her feet on the ground.

“Hey!”

She opened her eyes to see a woman standing in front of her.

“You’re blocking the lane entrance,” She snapped, shaking her head. “You can’t just stand there, you know!”

Without waiting for a reply, she pushed past, impatient.

The girl wrapped her arms around herself. A few beads of water, shimmering like tiny crystals, ran down her shoulders. She looked down at them and felt a smile curve along her lips.

“Sorry,” she whispered to the woman, a word she knew wouldn’t be heard, but still said.

She walked back to her bag, slow and heavy. She wrapped a towel around herself, blotting away the remaining moisture from her skin. A few strands of hair, gleaming and wet, coiled around the nape of her neck.

She smiled, and opened her mouth again, but not to say sorry.

“I’m somebody,” She said instead, and the words moved outwards, but they filled her with warmth as well, and she pictured the seed. Not a seed anymore, but a thousand beautiful flowers. And within all of them, imagine how many more seeds there were...

Tuesday afternoon. The end of another day, but the start of a new one.