Recollecting A Tragedy

(963 words)

I am a monster.

I cannot get over this soul-wrenching tale that was my past. I try to fight it; only to be drenched in the pure hatred I have for myself, and my past.

I wish things could have been different. I wish I could have just let the fire engulf me in flames… Allow me to burn into ashes, so my soul would no longer exist. Unfortunately, that is not a possibility. Not now…Not after all I have done. No, it is too late for me.

I had spent a life of sin. I hunted people for a living, obliterating everything they held close to them. I had one true gift: The gift of determining one’s worst fears. I used this knowledge against all of my targets, enemies, and adversaries.

I did not just kill someone, and be done with them. I evaluated everything they were passionate for, and I crushed it all: Their hopes, their dreams, even their family and friends.

I remember the last woman I heard scream.



Her child, clutching to her shirt like they were one, cried hysterically as I cut down my target. He was easily executed; His men were useless. The adrenaline rush from slashing someone’s throat was more than invigorating; it was obsession.

The rage controlled me, and all I could see was pure red. My eyes weld up with tears of madness. I could see the little boy shaking with fear, fear that struck him with a glance from my brutal glare.

I approached; clutching my blade with a tight grip. I couldn’t stop shaking with anger. My thoughts provoked me.

She screamed, seeing the intentions in my eyes. Screams were never enough to keep me back; never…



I had set forth rules, to hold none back. I was to annihilate all one loved. That is why I lived and breathed… Or so I thought.

But if that was true, why were my thoughts filled with so much horror? Horror that fills me with a pain greater than any I had ever faced. The more I heave them from my mind, the better these thoughts possess me.

The thoughts of regret… The pain of every soul I ever ruined, ruined with a sense of accomplishment?

The thought disgusts me. How could I have been so merciless?

I cannot keep from weeping as the images of my worst fears penetrate me.



I threw the woman to the side with ease. I bent over to the sobbing child, and clutched him with both of my hands. He was barely over the age of a toddler, and I could break every bone in his frail body. I felt the need to do just that; a brutal drive that possessed me. I turned to the horrified woman, and smiled.



Why must I go through this constant pain? Why must I relive this? This is my own personal hell. No… Hell would be welcome compared to this.

I want to tear my own eyes out, just to dig deeper into my mind and destroy these thoughts. I want to dig my nails throughout my entire body, just to take my mind off of this pain.

For many years, I continued to hunt, kill, and defeat anyone that blocked my path. This was the way my family thrived. But I had a weakness that was a result from work.

My rage.

When I was on the prowl, killing for a client, I had to be in the rhythm. I had to become the hunter. I had to be the lion, stalking its prey. I would only let my rage and my pure instincts, instincts to kill, drive me.



She ran at me, if only trying to stall me. Foolish; it only enhanced my frenzy. I grabbed her by the wrist, and all I could hear were the shattering of her bones. I sliced her wrists, feeling a warm gush of blood spill over my hands. She fell, panting heavily. I propelled forward, kicking her in the head.

I turned towards the child. With the 9mm in hand, I smashed his face into the pavement. The cries of his youth were silent now.

Holding him down, I pointed the gun to his head.



I can’t stand it. The thought drives me through a spiral of despair. The only thing I want is to leave this body. How could I have been willing to take so many lives?

But I know… I know the pain consuming me is justified. Killing so many, for so long, and all it resulted in was this horrible accident?

Her Name was Sarah. She was beautiful, and I loved her.

This world does not need a monster like me. I never thought I would regret anything; until after that fateful gunshot from my past.

His name was Aiden, and he was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. He kept the darkness from consuming me. He was the light that kept the shadows from my world.

The light is now gone; forever.

I am willing to do anything, go anywhere… Just to rid myself of this despair. My insides roar with a sense of hatred… hatred more powerful then the world has ever known; hatred for myself.

I hold a picture of a family. The family I was once a part of, before that sickening day. Before I massacred all I held dear to me.

The picture falls.

Wiping my face… I feel all the scars, scars I had acquired over the course of time. The blood pumps from inside my chest. My muscles, loose and sore, move as my hand grips the 9mm. I hold it to my head, crying, as I remember the last instance it was used.

I do not hesitate.