What I Can't Answer

Is there a god? I don’t know, but if there is I’ve never met him.
Is there meaning behind this life? There might be, but I don’t see any.
Is there love? Who knows, but I’ve never been given any.
Why am I alive? Why do I exist? Why the hell do I bother continuing this hell like existence? These are all question I can’t answer. If I could, I have the feeling I wouldn’t like what those answers would be.
Because what is life besides one constant rejection after another?
if your lucky, in the end you’ll find the acceptance you’ve been dying for.
  Sometimes…
But what if you don’t find this acceptance? What then? What if all you know is rejection, alienation, pain.
Would that be a life worth living? If there is no sudden ephiphany, no overwhelming feeling of love, no reason to get up in the morning, what is the point?
  Why bother.
If there is no happy ending, if life is just one giant shit hole after another with no no love, no happiness, is it all even worth it?
  Should we even bother?
These questions I can’t answer, I only know what I feel.
I’ve never been accepted by my peers, I’ve never been in any long lasting meaningful relationships. I’ve never felt this love people so fondly speak of.
      I’ve never been happy…
Why continue? I ask this of you. Why bother. Is a miserable existence even much of an existence? Or is misery always better than the alternative? I don’t know, and honestly I don’t care any more. If there is a god, he’s a sick bastard. If there is meaning to life, if I have some secret purpose, I don’t care. I don’t want purpose. What I want is love. I want joy. I want acceptance.
I want happiness.
No one can give me these things though, so I shall sit. I shall wait. And in the end I will know if it was all worth it. In the end I will find out if what they say is true, that happiness is just upon the horizon and I just cant see it yet.