Loved you too

Moved me around from place to place
Dragged me around like I was your suitcase
A trophy child I had straight A’s
I fought to try and get your praise
You never even called me by my name

You helped me realize
I was just a mistake you made
You’d take the butt of your cigarette
And use me as your personal ash tray
I cried and you,
You laughed in my face

This burning house
Might as well be my grave
I dug it myself
Isn’t it great?
I’m being swallowed by my mistakes
I tossed in a little fairy dust
A sparkling diamond in the rough
My voice was loud
But not loud enough
Love you too dad
Loved you too

I asked you to tuck me into bed
You asphyxiated me instead
A pillow fight gone bad
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you mad
Threw my favorite porcelain doll
It shattered as it crashed into the wall
A ring of smoke, my heart turned black
I should have run
And not looked back
But I stayed and acted as your child slave
I forced a smile on my face
I was too afraid of what you’d do
I was a prisoner to you.
But things would change
Someday they’d change

I’m being swallowed by my mistakes
I tossed in a little fairy dust
A sparkling diamond in the rough
Threw my heart under a truck
Watched as you wished me luck
Love you too dad
Loved you too

Look at all the potential I had
Watched as I carried it around in a paper bag
The other kids would point and laugh
The girl with burns she was so sad
They’d love to make her sad
She got more bruises
Because she was weak, she was a loser
You saw it but you let it be
All those other girls-so unlike me
Their hair pretty and curled
They walked as if they owned the world
I stood in a corner holding your hand
You’d never let me have
What they had

Grandma made me smile when I was sad
She told me I wasn’t bad
She made me lunch
Wasn’t that grand?
You, you hit me when you got mad.
Took Grandma away
I never saw her again
But things would change
They would change someday

Watch me wither away
Threw my heart into the flame
Let it burn and flicker into nothingness
Love you too dad
Loved you too

I remember one Christmas day
An icy bitter frozen night
A beard like cotton candy
Snowy white
You looked just like Santa daddy
I sat on your lap to make my wish
Said daddy all I want is a hug and kiss
You didn’t bother to oblige
You said I love you
That was such a lie
I remember opening my presents
I found a porcelain dolly inside
I smiled, I laughed, and then I cried
You got mad seeing my tears
I felt the blow of your fist
You locked me outside in the cold
You left me sobbing and alone
I made an angel in the snow
I said a prayer for help
For things to change
They had to change

Trusted you without a doubt
When you said sweetie I’m drug free now
That was a promise you once gave
I said we’d go out to celebrate
The next day you never came
I waited for you in the rain
I walked home from school
I found you stoned over the counter
Sipping on a corona bottle
I looked at you and called you cruel
Said “hi baby how was school?”
You’re lopsided smile fell onto your face
It made me grimace and feel disgrace
“look at you you’re all wet”
Yes dad I know- you caused it.
A puff of smoke then you’re not him
I miss you dad come back to me

So far gone- you choke me until I can’t breathe
You leave me with burns that seethe
Love you too dad
Loved you too

You came home one day
Said you were getting help
I thought my angel finally came
Maybe now things would change
I was escaping your hate
Getting a break
Then I felt the crimson on my face
I trusted your lies again
I’m being swallowed by my mistakes
Nothing would ever change
You would never change

Threw my heart into its grave
Said there was no use for me
Love you too dad
Loved you too

I did everything for you
Yet you wanted more
I couldn’t just be your daughter
I had to be your prize
I looked just like mom
That part of me
I knew that you despised
I watched as you burned my hope away
I knew I was better
Than just another piece of dirt
But you ground out my hope
And left only hurt

Begged for a smile you never gave
You locked me out of everything
Love you too dad
Loved you too

I fell victim to your shining grace
Believed in you like I believed in fate
Should have known
You both were fake.
A joint to call you daughter now
I turned eighteen
I ran away
Started life at aunties place
I showed her the burns you left on my skin
She didn’t hesitate to take me in
I miss you daddy
Though you don’t miss me
I’m sorry but I had leave.

A million miles away
And still your voice its haunting me
Love you too dad
Loved you too

Missed my graduation day
I sent it to you on a tape
But did you watch it?
I found it sitting in a box the other day
Stuck it in the VCR, pushed play
Watched as I got my diploma
Wore a scarlet gown
Aunty bought me a plastic crown
You would have loved the look on my face
The tears that fell streaming down
Down down down

Too many tears to count
I could have drowned the world by now
Love you too dad
Loved you too

I came back to you
For one last time
To give you a chance
To be part of my life
Told you I was getting married
Pretty soon-I’d be having a baby
You called me a slut-a whore
I finally stood my ground
You killed my voice
You beat me down
I wasn’t just a toy for play
You screwed me over anyway
I didn’t realize the truth
Until it was just too late
Scattered ashes is what I became
I never even got a grave
A tombstone cost too much you said

A sparkling diamond in the rough
Threw my heart under a truck
Watched as you wished me luck
Love you too dad
Loved you too

Thrown in the air I used to breathe
I became the smoke you asphyxiated me with
A ring of smoke, instead of the ring on my finger
Burned out your nicotine
Used me as your personal ash tray
One last burn on my silhouette
I begged daddy please
I need my inhaler I’m suffocating
The burning in my chest
Cut me to pieces, called me a pawn
Then smiled
I was never really your child

I hope that at least you feel regret
Now I’m dead you can’t bring me back
Don’t dare forget me
Love you too dad
Loved you too

You died unable to breathe
Lungs black as the darkness
Where you buried me
The cigarettes said “drug may kill”
You ignored it, like you ignored me
Irony dad you didn’t see?
Karma is a bigger bitch
Than I choose to be.
Love you too dad
Loved you too.