Operation: I Like Turtles

         College tuition is far too expensive. Even applying can cost upwards of fifty dollars, and if the application is rejected, all that money is totally wasted. Also, the government sinks a lot of money into school systems for advanced students, as well as special education program.

         In addition to this, people can (and do) become jealous of other people who are better than themselves in some way. Athletic skill, artistic talent, and et cetera are all possible reasons.

         I, therefore, make this very modest proposal: we make it an international law that every person be severely handicapped in every way possible. First, we begin by removing all traces of intelligence. Every person shall be hit in the face with a shovel until mental retardation sets in. This may result in the death of any, but progress demands sacrifice.

         Attractive people shall be dealt with in the same manner as the smart ones, and whatever a shovel cannot solve, a hammer can. Hammers are especially good for correcting shapely limbs.

         After this process, we remove the possibility of anyone having any talent whatsoever. We cut off the knees and elbows of every person, and reattach the rest of the limb.

         When my plan, which I have lovingly named “Operation: I Like Turtles,” is put into international law, Earth will be filled with ugly retards with stubby limbs. Millions of dollars, rupees, and yen will be saved, world-wide, when colleges and all forms of entertainment are shut down. This will fix the “economy problem.”