Open Letter To The Jerk Who Stole My Car

Hey Asswipe,
Nice one. You got me. What was I thinking actually parking my car on the street in front of my house? I must be a complete idiot. And you, being the brains you are, saw the error of my ways and taught me a valuable lesson – I should always park in my driveway. You should see the egg on my face right now.

I also want to thank you for giving me the pleasure of calling this city’s finest, giving them a statement they took with what I can only describe as “complete apathy”, then having to wait nine full days till they eventually found my no-tires, no-seats, no-doors, no-windows, no-nothing car under the overpass out on Route 36. I hope the little Jesus statue you removed from my dash serves you as well as it did me.

Oh, there is something else. Was it really necessary to take a huge dump where the engine used to be? I mean, you’re on the side of a road, stripping down a car, nature calls – apparently severely – and what do you do? Go to the tree line that’s barely ten feet away? No. You pinch one off right then and there. Not only is it unsanitary (didn’t see any toilet paper), it’s extremely unprofessional. I’m very disappointed in you. I’m embarrassed to tell people someone like you stole my car. Hanging my head in shame; I’m trying to wrap up this letter when I got an interesting call from the police. Seems there were a few pieces of your butt hair in the present you left me. And lo and behold, your DNA is in their database. So now I know who you are. You’ll be happy to know that I won’t be pressing charges, but I expect you to promptly pay me the full $3750 Blue Book says my car is worth. Rot in hell.

Love,

Mom