A Long Time

It's been a long time. A long time since goosebumps raced across my skin and the heat of a deep flush rose to my cheeks when I felt his breath on my neck. My heart doesn't flutter with excitement anymore when he flashes me that perfect smile of his; the one where the left side of his lip rises up as though it's enjoying something I can't see. My body has forgotten what it felt like when his fingers would trace the curves of my body with admiration and longing. My lips ache to feel that passion his lips use to shower me with, enough to make my heart race with one kiss. Every part of my entire being struggles to breathe without the love I relied upon to live.

At night, in my dreams, I could breathe like I used to, inhaling the love that I once had.

The room would be dark, only the fading light coming through the ceiling-high window helped me to see his shadowed face. He held my hand, lightly, in his. I could feel the heat emanating from his. Instead of turning on the television, like he usually did, he sat on the edge of the bed and held me in front of him. The fact that the television remained off told me I was dreaming, but I didn't care. I would take what I could get.

I felt my breath become unsteady and my heart fluttered as he stroked my cheek with his two fingers. He smiled the smile that I love so much when he saw my reaction to his fingers. There were no words exchanged, just a silent conversation carried between my bright eyes and his dark, brown eyes. He trailed his fingers down my arm as he took his hand away from my cheek. I could feel butterflies flying around in my stomach, which made it harder to breathe.

My heart stopped for a split second when he lay himself back on the pillows, thinking he was going to turn on that damned television and this really wasn't a dream. Instead of reaching for the remote he leaned forward and took me by the hand and pulled me across his chest to lay next to him. The sun had set now, and the stars were shining brightly through our window. My heart was beating again, but not as unsteady as before. I smiled to myself when a sparkling, white light shot across my view through the window. I WISH THE LOVE IN MY DREAMS WILL ENTER INTO MY LIFE. My mother had always told me to wish upon a falling star.

The goosebumps rose all over my skin and I felt the heat of anticipation coloring my cheeks as his warm breath caressed the back of my neck. My heart was beating a thousand times a minute and I was embarrassed that he would be able to hear it. His hand came around my waist and traced circles on my stomach with his fingers. The thin material of the dress I wore didn't lessen the warm touch of his fingers. I wanted to turn around and make sure that his heart was ready to burst out of his chest, like mine was, but I was afraid that the dream would end if I didn't let it run its course.

My dress was short, halfway between my knees and the top of my thighs. His fingers danced over my stomach, across my hips, down my thigh and found what they were looking for. He rubbed my smooth skin with his hand and breathed in deeply. When he let out his breath I could feel it blow over my shoulder and down the top of my dress. I shuddered as a chill ran down my back. His lips kissed my ear, the length of my cheek bone, and descended slowly down my neck. The hand that wasn't keeping my legs warm pulled back a lock of hair and kissed in between my shoulder blades.

Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. The only passion that I wanted, no, needed, him to fulfill could only came from his lips pushing upon mine. I started turning over slowly, but he took me by the wrist with that smile on his face and stopped me. Fear that the dream was going to end or change abruptly filled me, but quickly disappeared when he straddled me in his black, dress pants and his button up shirt. I grabbed the opening of his shirt and pulled him ruthlessly down to me. His lips molded to mine and mine to his. I felt his one hand tickling the side of my neck and the other was holding onto my shoulder. I felt his tongue taste my lips and the way he held me made me feel the passion that had been locked within him. Everything I was missing in my love life was fulfilled.

He suddenly stopped. I could feel confusion writing itself across my flushed face. He simply stared into my eyes, like he was searching for something. It didn't take long before he smiled with triumph and happiness, he had found what he was looking for. I ran my fingers through the back of his brown hair. Against my better judgment I traced my fingers down his chiseled jaw and along the veins in his neck until I reached his blue striped shirt. I slid the round buttons through the soft cloth, fumbling them with my shaking fingers. His breathing grew heavy as his shirt opened, exposing the hard stomach that I was awed by. I kissed his chest softly, and was interrupted by his hand taking my chin so he could plant a kiss hard on my lips. The longing he felt flowed through me.

I watched as he got to his knees and unbuttoned his pants. He moved down my body and kissed each thigh once. When he came back up he lay in between my legs. My dress was hiked up, but covering me completely. One hand was warm on my exposed upper thigh and the other one touching my collar bones lightly. Goosebumps rose across my arms, legs, and stomach once again. He laughed and kissed my chest.

"Hey," a voice echoed around the room, but his mouth wasn't moving. "Honey, wake up."

Horror froze my heart, my breath, my dream. I looked frantically at him and took his hand in mine, not wanting the love to disappear. He stared into my eyes but there was no expression on his face. A single, cold tear slid down my cheek where he had first touched me tonight.

"Good morning," he said. It was him! No, it was the real one. I wasn't dreaming anymore. He sat on the bed next to me in his flannel, pajama pants. His stomach was as perfect as it was in my dream.

"Morning," I murmured, trying to keep all the pain out of my voice.

He stared at me. It reminded me of my dream. He was searching for something, as eagerly as he did in my dream. This time, instead of smiling when he found what he wanted he grimaced. I stole a glance at the clock and it was 3 in the morning; I didn't know what was going on.

"Come here," he said with sadness filling his voice and eyes. I pulled the covers back and swung my legs out so I was sitting next to him. Without a warning he put his arm around me and pulled me close so I was snuggling against his chest. He kept his hand on my waist and the other he took my hand in. I wanted to know what was wrong but he was staring down into our interlaced hands with concentration.

"What's wrong?" I finally managed. "Is it your dad? Did someone get hurt?" A terrified curiosity filled me when he nodded. I looked at his face and his expression was pained. "Who?"

"You," he whispered. I wasn't sure I heard what he had said. It was 3 in the morning and nothing was making sense. "I'm not going to hurt you again."

He lay down horizontally across the bed so his feet were hanging off the bed. Once he was situated he took my hand and pulled me to his side. He cradled me in the crook of his arm, stroking my arm with his hand. It was very warm, but I was cautious. The smell coming off his body made me smile. It had been a long time since we had lay like this. A long time since I could lay with him and revel in all the things I fell in love with.

"I woke you up because you were sleep talking," he said quietly. I blushed, wondering what I had said. Wondering how loud I must have been to wake him up. "You said my name. You said it with so much longing in your voice, and I realized it has been a long time since..." he stopped and looked at me. I was quiet, and a happiness was slowly growing deep within me. He took my hand and kissed my palm. Then he took my chin and kissed my cheek.

It had been a long time since he gave me butterflies, or made my heart beat with longing and love and passion. It had been a long time for both of us, which I hadn't realized. That night we made love. It was slow. It was long. It was amazing. We fell asleep in each others' arms, his wiry, muscled arms wrapped around my naked body as I nestled into his chest. The last thing I felt was a wave of goosebumps envelope my body as his breath ran down my bare back.