Travel-Uppity

Travel-Uppity


As our story opens, we find a husband and wife newly embarked on a romantic vacation, enjoying the finest seating and service the air travel industry has to offer.  The current topic of conversation appears to be the couple's destination, which the gentleman has somehow managed to conceal from his blushing bride.  Let's follow along and listen in, shall we?...


"So, when are you gonna tell me, where we're goin', ARTHUR?  And it better be good, or you're in BIG TROUBLE, mister!" declared Mabel.  "We were in Miami - I saw the signs, Arthur! - and now we're on our way who knows where?!"

"It's TOP SECRET; you'll find out, when we land, okay?  Just relax, willya, Mabel?" pleaded Arthur.  "You're gonna love it.  Think about this: it's GROUNDHOG DAY, right?  Everybody back home's freezin', but for the next two weeks, we won't see a day under seventy degrees!  And besides, if we weren't on this plane, what would we be doin' right now?"

"Well, we'd...," Mabel started.

"You'd be goin' STIR CRAZY, HOME ALONE with THAT DARN CAT, TOOTSIE," Arthur interrupted, "and I'd be down at Jimmy's watchin' another basketball season go UP IN SMOKE, that's what we'd be doin'.  This is gonna be way better than that!  Scout's Honor!" he said, holding up his right hand in a manner vaguely resembling the way actual Boy Scouts do it.

"And anyways," he continued, "who goes to Miami anyhow?  Well, I'll tell ya: old ladies with blue hair, and old geezers with nothin' better to do than spend A DAY AT THE RACES, that's who!  We are gonna have fun!"



[At the airport]
"The airline has some nerve, calling that an AIRPLANE!  More like a cigar tube with wings, if ya ask me!"

"There was nothing wrong with the plane, Mabel, although a little real food wouldn't have been bad."

"You're tellin' me.  I mean, really: how's a person supposed to enjoy a four and a half hour flight with nothing but soda and ANIMAL CRACKERS?  I ask ya!"

"Yeah, well, we'll check in, clean up a little, and then have us a nice dinner.  I still can't get over all those RUTHLESS PEOPLE back at the baggage claim, though, scrambling all around an' knockin' each other over to get at the suitcases."

"I know whatcha mean, Arthur; most baggage guys are much more polite than that."



[At the hotel]
"You sure you want to wear that outfit?  We might not be headed for A NIGHT AT THE OPERA, but I'll bet they have some kind of dress code."

"LOOK WHO'S TALKING:  Mister Fashion Sense.  If I didn't tell you how bad it looked, you'd wear plaids and STRIPES together, and you know it."

"I'm not one of those downtown HOTSHOTS, stuck wearing a suit and tie all day, no sir!  I wear whatever feels comfortable, and anyone doesn't like it, he can go play in RUSH HOUR traffic, including your friend, that lady columnist - what's her name?  Fanny Small?"

"It's Hall, ANNIE HALL, as you very well know, Arthur, and she's a regular contributor to Mudflap County's culture magazine, 'The Finer Things’."

"Oh, yeah: culture.  I'd like to MEET THE PARENTS of that painter she wrote about last month."

"You would?  Really?"

"Sure.  I'd like to ask them whatever possessed them to encourage their kid to paint pictures instead of houses.  Do you remember that picture with the cows and hippos draped across all the tree limbs?  That's art?  Hah!"

"You should paint so well, Arthur.  The cows looked very lifelike."

"Lifelike!?  How many cows have you seen hanging outta trees, Mabel, hunh?"



[At the restaurant]
"So, how's your food, Mabel?"

"Not bad, although I wish the MEATBALLS were a little more tender; these are more like meatmarbles, they're so hard.  How's yours?"

"Almost as good as Woo's on Ninth Street back home.  I hope there's something good inside THE FORTUNE COOKIE.  I just love those things, although I could make up better fortunes than some of the ones I've seen."

"Again with 'I could do this better', 'I could do that better'; give it a rest, will ya?"



...Well!  Perhaps it would be better to just close our little glimpse into the lives of our intrepid travelers, especially as Arthur appears to be considering a bit of FOUL PLAY, and we wouldn't want to be a party to that, now would we?  Until next time...!



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