fourteen

Why am I still doing this? I promised her that I would stop and I really intended to. So why is the blade still cutting through my skin continuously? I cannot stop. My body is moving by itself. If my sister catches me, I’m sure she’ll never forgive me again. After all, I promised her. I really want to stop but the blade keeps slashing down and the blood keeps flowing out. Am I going crazy? I really don’t want to lose control.

My name is Dominique and I am fourteen years old. I don’t know why but I have always been attracted by blood and sharp things like knives and razors. Despite my interest, I never once had the idea of of cutting myself. At least I did not until he said those words. I could not bear with the pain, it was cruel; I never thought he would turn out to be like that. I don’t remember what made me pick up the penknife and start slashing myself but I do remember that it felt really nice, like all the sadness and frustration was flowing out of me along with the blood. I lost all my burdens. The more blood I lost the better I felt, I could not even feel the pain. I felt stronger, like nothing could hurt me again. Very soon, I was slashing myself on a daily basis. It was like a drug to me. I get the urge everyday and the voice in my head persuaded me. I didn’t know that I was hurting myself; I only knew that it made me feel better.

“We’re not friends. I never thought of you as one. You have always been the idiot that helps me do homework in my eyes!” that was what he said. That was what that lying bastard said after I helped him finish half of his holiday homework. I hated him a lot. It was on that day that I realised for the first time that I never really had a friend in the past eight years. All those fun-filled years were actually one-sided. He never treated me like a friend. It was only then that I recalled that throughout those years, he always had something to ask from me whenever he was being courteous to me. But there were still times we truly had fun. Maybe he didn’t but I believed we had fun. Since when did our relationship become like that?

I was crying so badly afterward in the school washroom that none of the girls dared to enter. Why did he say that? It really hurt; it was like I lived in heaven all my life and suddenly got smashed down into the hottest pit in hell. It would have been better if I was in hell in the first place. I always thought we were best friends and would stay like that forever. I was having a breakdown; all the stress, irritation and grievance crashed down on me. I remembered that there was something that always helped me get rid of my sadness. I knew even when I was seven that he always felt uncomfortable whenever I cried in front of him. Because of that, in order to not trouble him, I always hid elsewhere to cry. Those times were unbearable but my pocket knife always got me through. It always absorbed all my unhappiness and calms me down; it was my most treasured item. My sister bought it for me with her first pay from her part-time job, knowing my love for sharp objects. At that time she never thought that her gift would eventually lead me down this path, but it’s not her fault. Everything was that guy’s fault. Somehow, my pocket knife could not calm me down enough. I felt a sudden urge to prove that I was still human. Human’s blood is red right? The pocket knife was not as sharp as the penknives found in the bookshop but it did the job. My blood was red! I was still human even though the pain in my heart should be unbearable for normal humans. The cuts were deep but I could not feel the pain. It felt great. I was invincible for a moment. And so, that was the first time.

Even now, the blade cannot cause me pain. Is my blood still red? I’m not sure. The world is turning into a blur. I cannot see properly. The door opened, someone walked in. Who is she? “What are you doing?” that’s my sister’s voice. I’m in trouble, she found out. The blood is still flowing out. Why does she sound panicky? I cannot see her anymore. Her voice sounds like it came from a faraway place. She is screaming but I cannot make out what she’s talking about. Why are my senses fading away one by one? I feel weak. Have I finally cut a vital blood vessel? That’s good. I wanted to die ever since the first time. I am smiling even though tears of joy were flowing out; I have no regrets if I were to die tonight. I once said that I wanted to be fourteen forever. I will be fourteen, now and forever.