My Mate Toby

My Mate Toby…

Winnie the Poo.



The following story and stories that ensue are actual real life stories collected from my close friends.  Some are extremely graphic and low and may well result in offence to the reader. Some of them degrade women in some form but it is an insight into the mind of juvenile males from Australia. All of them however are humourous in some way or another. If you are easily offended then I suggest that you not read any further.

The names have been changed to protect the involved from repercussions. It is also important to remember that these stories are from the past and by no means do these events still happen, with regularity….





One of Toby’s many nicknames was “Winnie the Poo” for many years. The following story explains why.





Toby’s dad was having a fiftieth birthday party of which many of us were invited to. This was a great chance for Tobes to try and cash in on his recentlly started relationship. Donna was invited to the party and it was suggested that she stay the night so as to avoid driving home. Toby was excited. He hadn’t had much luck with the female sex and was starved, not only for the obvious, but also for a relationship with someone who didn’t have a penis.

We were all a bit wary of this event. Only in concern for our friend who tends to charges pretty hard early on in a relationship. The result of this is the female generally heads for the hills quicker than a fat kid could eat a cupcake. We put it to Toby that he perhaps was moving too fast and he was perhaps putting the relationship on the speed cycle.

Toby had actually been known to invite girls to his parent’s house on a first date for a big family barbecue. The girl had just met him and he was asking her to meet his extended family.  This particular girl was desperately making excuses to get out of the barbecue after her initial yes for the date. First off she said that it was too far to come, it was a 45 minute drive. Once he talked her into it she said that her car had broken down. He said he would come pick her up. Poor Toby was just not getting the message. The big day arrives and Toby gets in his car early to drive and pick her up. (Forget what her name was) He was calling her mobile to let her know he was on his way. Strangely enough, she didn’t answer her phone. He kept calling on his way but she wasn’t answering. He arrives at her house to pick her up and she stands him up. She doesn’t answer the front door, or the phone. Funny for us, but devastating for Toby. Poor guy has to drive all the way back on his lonesome.

Toby was excited even though he had been in this situation before and apparently not learnt from it. We warned Toby but his response was,

“Donna is not like that. She’ll be right.”

We were wrong and Donna was not like that. She turned up on time for Toby’s party. The jubilation through the group was evident. No consoling a dejected mate tonight. It was party time.



The party was a success and a good night was had by all with copious amounts of beer being consumed. The only other interesting to come of the party was Toby’s choice of clothes. Toby busted out the worlds first “shumpigan”. A shumpigan I hear you ask. A Shumpigan is a curious mix of a shirt / cardigan / jumper. A jumper for the Americans is the Australian way of saying sweater.



We eagerly waited for the report the next morning from Toby. He was holding out from us to begin with but we managed to get more info from him. The report was much like this.

“So what happened Toby?”

“Well, not much really. The usual.”

“The usual! These are some bad details Toby.”

“Yeah well I don’t want to say too much cause it’s embarrassing.”

“You have to tell us now. What was embarrassing?”

“Don’t say anything to anyone, ok?”

All we could do is nod enthusiastically. Bursting with anticipation. We thought the embarrassing part had to do with Donna and that if Toby told us she would die from embarrassment. How wrong we were.

Toby continued, “Well, it was getting into right.”

“mmm”

“We were kissing and grinding each other with the clothes on. It went up a level and we lost the clothes. I then teased her for ages before going down on her.”

“Yeah, yeah.” We were so excited. Toby also calls himself the king of the growl but that’s another story.

“Donna then goes down on me. She is down there for like 5 seconds then comes straight back up. Didn’t know what the problem was. Anyway, I we continued and had sex etc and I didn’t think anything of it until this morning. “

“What?”

“I went to the toilet this morning for a shit.”

“Yeah.” A smile beginning to form on each of our faces.

“I didn’t have a shit this morning. I had one last night. And I did a precautionary wipe this morning cause I could smell something. I had some shit smeared to the inside of my leg.”

We broke out in a roaring laughter. Simply due to the fact that he had had shit smeared to the inside of his leg.

“So that’s why she didn’t go down on me.”

“What?” We were a little perplexed to for a second then it clicked.

“Oh my god! She didn’t suck you off cause you stunk like shit?”

“Yeah.” Toby said sheepishly.



This is why we called Toby “Winnie the Poo” for a long long time. Needless to say Donna broke up with Toby pretty much straight after this event. Poor Toby.