The Liar

Entry One

Maybe when this is finally over, I will let you know who I am. But for now, I am words, a fictional character,  the person you paint inside your head.  I suppose, if you like, you can call me The Liar. Or just Liar, if you like. But also any name which you decide is suitable. That will be fine, it is of no consequence. Enough introduction.
I woke up today, ate breakfast, then sat at my desk for hours until it was time.
I sat with him for hours. I remember his face, smiling slightly. I knew what he would say, before we exchanged words or he looked at my face or I at his- I knew the words he would say. We both know our roles, the dance, and we will learn it all too well in time. 

I made him cry today. I made him cry on purpose. I had planned and seen it already. I knew what I was doing, but I did it anyway- I saw the strings, the weight and balance, and pulled it- unraveled the line, unbalanced the scale, ripped at the heart and made him sob and shake. A grown man, my father’s age, I made him cry. It was a simple thing, I could see what I would do, could do, saw it so easily… and grabbed the string--- I pray that God will forgive me. I do not enjoy it, but I can see the darkness in my heart that could easily relish it. May God keep me from that, to preserve that small light which ensures that I continue to hate my job. But, by my own dark heart, this man will sob and become a wretched thing again.  The dark will drive it on, but may the light still long for the day when he and I will be free of this wicked dance.

You justify it, and when you begin to justify anything, that is when you know that you have likely sinned. I know this is wrong.  I live in black and white, I will do things which are evil- I will sin. I will know they are wrong, but I will sin anyway- not because I have no choice, but because it is a lot easier to sin, and it is a necessity.  This is the life I chose, when I told the truth, but then consented to the lie out of my cowardice and weakness.  So now I will be a lie, until I am free.  I will be the Liar, until the day I am free, and then I will see again- my family, and they will call me by my real name.  I do wonder, however, about the innate consequence which comes against a foul creature who willingly and repeatedly betrays their base nature;  perhaps the light in me was not that great. (The lie supplants that which was and then becomes the truth?)  God preserve me- willing, anyway, I followed into this path.

Life would be easier for me if I could accept the grey, but I know that it is an excuse to avoid the coldness of this world. I understand that the evil may be necessary, but it is still evil. I will not alter truth to alleviate my guilt. The laws of nature change for no man, we are all slaves to one thing or another. I to my sin, to my lie, and you- to another master. Maybe we know the same master? I wish, only, that my master and my Master would not disagree with each other so.

Lord, when will I be free?

A dog will tug at its leash, I will sit in my chains and look up. Only this I ask, do not let me be changed. Preserve me.

I rest until I wake. As always, I return when I can. I am alive, but you may not hear from me for a while. I am not being shot at. I assure you everything is fine.