958 Words of Randomness

         “And so,” he cried, “I hereby declare my decision to become a chipmunk!”

         This was odd, very odd indeed coming from the mouth of the United States Vice-President. Why, you might ask, is the Vice-President announcing that he would like to become a furry, burrowing rat? Well, it all started several hundred years ago, with boats, and water, and cannons. Well, that mix results in a whole lot of ‘bad’ and several fried sailors.



         Now then, back to the boats. So turns out that the on one boat are honest, hardworking English seamen, and the people on the other boat were a bunch of pirates, intent on taking all the gold off the other ship, tying all the seamen to the mast, poking them with their own cutlasses, then flipping the boat so that the poor, innocent seamen all drowned, upside down. So turns out, though, that the sailors on the nice, friendly, English boat were tougher than the evil, scary pirates, and so they took all the gold off the pirate ship, tied all the pirates to the mast, poked them with their own cutlasses, and flipped the boat so all the poor, evil pirates drowned, upside down. The Englishmen took all the pirate gold back to England, and then the King took it all away from them, saying “it will be used for the good of our nation,” then he spent it on wine and tiny, candy bunnies.



         Candy bunnies were all the rage in Europe. You would constantly eat boiled candy bunnies, frozen candy bunnies, fried candy bunnies, and, several hundred years after the whole upside down drowned pirate incident, microwaved candy bunnies. So turns out that if you microwave a candy bunny, it gains weight. Rapidly. Then, because of this rapid weight gain, it looses self-esteem. Children absolutely adore this scene, and they leave the bunny in the microwave until it explodes. Then the little goobers clap their hands together (that has to be the stupidest gesture there is), and leave their mothers to clean the bunny’s sugary guts off the inside of the microwave. One of these such children was named Thomas.



         Thomas would spend a good deal of his childhood blowing up bunnies in the microwave, but would grow up into one of the greatest Polish chicken breeders in history. His Polish chickens were killed and sold to every supermarket in Poland, as well as the eggs from his chickens, and, in turn, almost every person in Poland ate his products, except those vegetarians and vegans, whom purchased the same lettuce that Thomas fed his chickens, but that’s beside the point. The point is, seeing as a vast majority of the people in Poland bought Thomas’ chicken products, Thomas made lots of Polish money, which, in turn, made him even more American money. If you had two ten groszy pieces (Polish currency and worth about six American pennies), you could drill a tiny hole in each of them and make them into earrings. Afterward, you could sell these such earrings in the United States for fifteen dollars. In this way, Thomas became one of the richest people in the world.

         

         A young girl named Tammie bought a pair of these Polish coin earrings in New York City in the dead of winter quite a long time ago. They were in a tiny plastic bag with $15 scrawled on the side in black pen. She was studying the earrings very intently as she walked down the street, paying absolutely no attention to were she was going. So turns out that she stepped on a bit of ice on the sidewalk and skidded into a nearby light post. Needless to say, she fell on her butt into a pile of snow. Also needless to say, she dropped the earrings. As she stood up, brushed the snow off herself, and bent to pick up her dropped Polish currency, a chipmunk (who, for some strange and relatively unimportant reason, was not hibernating) dashed out of nowhere, grabbed the earrings with his mouth, and scurried though the open front door of a nearby hotel, called the Mercer, which was a rather fancy hotel that lots of famous people stayed in.

         

         The chipmunk ran across the lobby, much to the pleasure of a nearby Chihuahua, who dashed after it, chasing it into the elevator, and in between the legs of half a dozen men with super big muscles, pistols at their belts, and dressed all in black. One had a piece of gum on his shoe, but that was a useless point of interest. They were surrounding a man dressed in a grey suit, obviously paid to protect him. They attempted to stomp on the little rat carrying Polish currency, but the little guy scurried up one of the grey pant legs. The man inside the grey suit laughed and pulled the chipmunk out of his clothing. He smiled at the creature in his hand, removing the money from its mouth.



         He befriended the chipmunk, naming it Steve. Too bad Steve was a girl, but what difference does it make? The man was a senator who would later be elected as Vice-President of the United States. Steve lived with the senator-future-Vice-President for three years, until the day the senator was elected as Vice-President. On that day, as Steve was sleeping in the dirty laundry bin, a careless maid took him down to the washroom. Steve got away before being dumped into the washing machine, but could not find a way back to the senator-turned-Vice-President’s room.



         The senator-turned-Vice-President was devastated, and decided, no matter what it took, he would become a chipmunk to find his beloved friend. What you read before was his acceptance speech, on the White House lawn.